When the inlaws move away...

Maybe they have travelled a couple of times for a birthday party and that has made them realise it is too much for them? No card is crap. Sadly they make little effort - I’m a big believer in matching energy. Try it. Invest less emotionally and lower your expectations and they may come over better to you.
The way your parents are is not universal, and that is okay too.

Match their energy. Don't go out your way to keep in touch when they don't want it. I'd also rethink the visits. Give them what they want. I can understand your husbands feelings but what else can u do?

How where they before they moved? Did they childmind a lot? Did yous see them much? Are they like this with other family?

OP has never said she expects childcare from them! Of course that’s a big ask and many GPs don’t want to do that, or can’t for whatever reason. That’s not the issue here.

This is your thread OP, not mine, but we have a similar story.

DP’s parents did a surprise move to a country overseas. We never used them for childcare or asked anything of them. DP’s family were all close and loving and they seemed to enjoy getting together. DP was very close to his parents.

We only see them now every couple of years at most. They come over, we have a wonderful time together, and it’s very hard when they leave. We can’t travel for medical reasons and as they’re getting older, they’re less keen on travelling. We never know if their visit is going to be their last (they keep suggesting it might be).

It’s difficult because when we see them, it’s a reminder of the lovely times we’re missing. Our DC really miss them. And it’s clear they miss us too. DP finds it really really difficult.

They didn’t move to get away from family, they just wanted away from the crappy U.K. weather and a different pace of life. And they were prepared to sacrifice family time to get that. Different priorities I guess.

I think PP suggestion of matching their energy is smart. There’s no excuse for not sending a birthday card (we had that too!)

Visit them when it suits you but I wouldn’t put yourselves out. I’d probably not bother inviting them to birthday events either - it’s less hurtful than being constantly let down.

It takes a while to shift your expectations but when you manage it, you’ll find it’s all much less hurtful. Bracket them in the same group as a friendly aunt and uncle rather than parents/grandparents - but that goes both ways. If they need help one day, they’ll need to figure it out themselves.

I’d like to hear their side of the story.

Were you very demanding of them when they lived close?

If they were never that close with their son in the first place, they're not going to change for grandkids. Pre-children what was the relationship between your partner and his parents and how often did he see them, as that's the baseline.

OP , they are just living their lives their way.
It's not something that would appeal to DH and I but I can understand why some people would like to live out their last couple of decades doing exactly what they want to do.
They have chosen "fun times" over day to day support (which they nay view as drudgery), you don't have to accept that though, it's your call.
Personally, I'd have loved it.

This happened to me. My mum lived 2 roads over to me. Saw them every day. She did school runs for my son. My son calls my dad his best friend. Then pow They moved 3.5 hours away. I was gutted:

Do I miss them yes 100%.
Am I hurt they did it. Yes 100%.
Am I happy for them. Yes 100%
they are living their best life now. Going on holidays, socialising and they seem content and happy. Would I be happier with them nearby yes. Would my life be easier yes. But it is what it is.
I could choose to move closer to them if I really wanted to. I’m not going to but if I was that bothered I could. They seem happy after years of working, putting up with my ceap and my brothers crap so as long as they are happy ❤️

I still could do with the child care and cups of tea!

Most grandparents are like this, even the ones who live close by.

It happens I guess they want time just for them, they raised their family and no longer want that full on family involvement. It doesn't sound the worst to be honest, it still sounds like they do care.

Some parents are like that, when you get to adulthood and are settled are kind of done with that part of life. I think it's can be a tricky thing as grandparent support is often expected now even my MIL who is the most maternal, family orientated person you can imagine sometimes feels like she has had enough of being used a free childcare by my husbands brother and his wife. My aunt and uncle moved to a one bedroom flat because when they still lived in the family home with an extra bedroom it was just expected that Grandchildren could stay overnight or for a week at a time and they had had enough of it.

Ideally grandparents are involved and it works out well for everyone but some parents take the piss and some grandparents aren't that interested.

They're just living their lives the way they want to. They've raised their children amd now want to live life their way. Its totally fine.

I think the hardest thing is the inconsistency. Dh said he's felt this from them since childhood. They show love and interest, then nothing.

So the issue isn’t being grand parents. It’s their MO.
very performative and on their terms only rather than a shared relationship.

I’m not surprised your dh is hurt. He didn’t seem feel seen then nor does he now. And he will see their behaviour as hurtful to his dcs, which is doubly hurtful to him.

Yes ofc people have different ways of being etc..l but the hot and cold. The over the top performance vs ignoring is something else.

Just match their energy let them get on with things.

I totally understand your hurt OP and that of your DH. My parents did the same when my kids were very small and it hurt like hell and still does many years later. As a result of years of apathy and disinterest on their part they’ve got no relationship at all with my kids, nor with me, and it’s such an enormous shame. I just have to tell myself that it’s their loss - which it is. Really hard to deal with though esp when other GPs are so present and involved (which thankfully my in-laws are despite living a 5 hour drive away). Yours sound like they’re really not interested in making the effort to maintain a good relationship with their GC - not sending a birthday card is thoroughly shit behaviour, no excuses. I would minimise contact with them and focus on your children and your parents and the people in your life that make you happy.

I think he needs to work on accepting this which I know is hard. It’s a “match their energy “ thing. I know for example as does my daughter to ignore anything my mum promises as age just likes saying things and thinks that’s as good as doing the thing. My daughter is older though so I can have better conversations about how grandmas lack of interest is no reflection on her.

I think it's still very possible for kids to have a good relationship with their grandparents even when there is a distance. I always felt very close to my grandparents, particularly my grandmother even though they were a 4 hour drive away. We spoke weekly on the phone and when I was in my 20s I would still make the journey to visit her until she died.

Some people who have one set of grandparents nearby and one further afield say that the relationship is more special when they don't seem them everyday. I see that with my mum who lives a distance away and spends ages getting ready for her grandchildren's visit, cooking food and planning outings and activities. I think it's fair enough for grandparents just to get the 'good bits', but I really think your in-laws should have posted a birthday card.

I can see why you are upset OP.
I'm a GP and have moved house after semi retirement. The location enables me to see my GC at least weekly and I wouldn't have it any other way.
I would never miss a birthday celebration.
I have an interesting and busy life that doesn't include my GC but I could never not be an integral part of their lives. I totally appreciate that circumstances change and their lives will become more independent.
Every family is different with different circumstances but I totally get where you and your husband are coming from OP

The physical distance is a distraction. You can be involved grandparents living the other side of the world, or disinterested ones living next door.

Focus your energy on enjoying your children. Then, in 20, 30 years time, but the grandparents you wanted for your children (if they decide to have children!)

YANBU to feel hurt - I would be really sad if my parents were like this. Obviously it's their choice to spend their retirement however they like, but I would just be really upset that "however they like" didn't include much of me or their grandchildren.

You need to match their energy OP. If they've made it clear they're not that interested in your family, I wouldn't be that bothered about them either. I'm not saying you need to go no contact or anything, but I wouldn't be making much effort with them.

Well, they get excited when they see the kids, what do you mean they go OTT ? Isn’t it good that they get excited? In the next few months that you don’t see them, does your husband ever ring ? Has he ever told them he wants to see them more ? How many times do you all go visit them ? The birthday card was wrong though .

Just remember this in years to come should they ever become less independent and start to require help for themselves.

Of course they are different people and can do things different ways. There is no rule that says they must be close by and involved daily. Just match their energy. Let them know they have an open invite to visit and schedule your own visits every few months.

Grandparenting is all about having the fun stuff. Nothing wrong with not wanting to be there for the rest. Also, your mum is like this because you are her daughter.

They just aren't interested. There's nothing you can do about it. My parents are similar, the kids pick on up on it before long which my mum takes very personally but I'm not sure what she expected. It's a shame, but don't focus on what you can't change.

@Peekaboooooo just think of the future! No caring for them!!