When the inlaws move away...

Sounds like you’re miffed that they’re not available for child minding for you.

My parents in law were crazy keen to have grandkids, but when they arrived they were loving but reserved. Not what they implied they would be at all

We asked them to have the 2 boys stay the night when they were 6 and 3 while we had a rare evening out.
I rang to check they were OK. Mil was put out because the youngest wouldnt go to sleep. Very strange as they always were angels at home or at my parents house... who wanted them to stay the odd nights and we just had the night off...

We arrived at 8am next morning to collect. I wasnt happy to put on them any more than necessary, after the phone conversation id not settled but dh said it's OK.
Turned out his mother was very old school, I knew that, but how!!!!!
She put the 3 yr old upstairs to bed alone whilst they kept the 6 yr old downstairs playing. .. because he was eldest son, who to them were the king...
We love all 3 of our kids (daughter came later) and they get equal treatment.
I couldn't believe that anyone could be so stupid as to change the rules, (as the lads went to bed together at home,) not to mention the fact it was a strange house and youngest so young!

Upshot was i never left them with her again. She sat with boys overnight when I was in labour with 3rd child, but in our home.

You get what you deserve.

Could be worse. I’ve a MIL round the corner and I can count on one hand the times she’s visited in the last 4/5 years. She never bothers and we moved areas to be closer to her.

If it really annoys you, them not bothering to visit for birthdays and saying it's too far to drive, just passive-aggressively say "good to know, for when one of you breaks a hip".

That's really disappointing that they didn't even send a card. Did they at least message on the day?
My ILs live overseas so never attend any parties, and once DC2 was born would regularly forget to send anything for DC1 birthday. We started dividing up whatever they each were sent between them to make it fair (ie dc2 got 20pound, so they get 10pound each, if dc1 birthday gets remembered and they send another 20pound, they each get 10pound again, and so on).
When we're with them, they mostly are interested but also quite dismissive of childish things (playing on a swing, needing little regular meals). Both DC know what's what now that they're older. We FaceTime instead and I ask them to give a polite 10mins each, which they do.
As PP have said, there's not much you can do. I'd suggest backing off a bit from sending any updates. Maybe just on mother's/father's day and Christmas.
All the best

YANBU WRT how you feel about them given their attitude. My IL’s live locally (10 min drive) and are a bit like this. It’s frustrating and hurtful. My DGP’s were heavily involved in my life as a child. I saw them all weekly, often more than once. I was hoping the same for my own children but some live far away and the ones that live close by only bother once every 4-6 weeks. I feel really sad for my children. But I can’t control what other people do. I can only control my response to it and what I do. You can stop sending them photos and stop trying to over-involve them as they clearly don’t want that. They may (or may not? 🤷‍♀️) change their minds later. But then it’s up to you how you will navigate that. I definitely wouldn’t be making exceptions or allowances for them. And I wouldn’t be doing a long journey with my kids for grandparents who don’t want to be involved. But then that’s something you’ll have to work through with your husband.

YABU however to expect them to do a day trip when they live 4 hours away. Regardless of whether or not they have done it before, that’s FAR!

Not a chance I’d sit in a car for 4 hours to attend a birthday party.

However also not a chance I’d sit in a car for 4 hours to go and help elderly in-laws who’d not shown much interest in me or my children.

so probably what goes around will come around OP.

I agree with others four hours drive each way is much too far for a day trip.
Not sending your son a card is very disappointing though. Are they going to give him/send him something next time they see him.
Seeing them every few months seems reasonable and more than some grandparents see their grandchildren especially given the distance though .Also it sounds as though they are make a fuss of them when they see them .
They do have their own lives to lead though and surely they have a right to enjoy their retirement. It sounds as though they do love their grandchildren but that doesn't mean they have to be the centre of their world.

I’m 54 and a grandma to 4 kids and I love them all , but I also work full time as a cook in a care home . I also do 6-7 fitness classes per week , I have my grandkids when I can work permitting- but it’s not like it used to be years ago ! They have their own lives as well

I've got in laws slightly like this. I think mine are just feckless and stupid more than anything, because they wonder why the child doesn't know /like them when they visit and don't seem to put 2 and 2 together. It's sad and embarrassing for yours (and my) partner, but I'm glad I never have to see them.

I think it's a shame they didn't suggest coming and doing something nice around their DC birthday, but a child's birthday party should always be optional for people who haven't got children to bring in my opinion. I've never understood adult parties for children.

Selfishly I ld be silently grateful it's not my parents who are like that

Childcare involves watching them for a few hours, occasionally babysitting, arranging to go shopping together or spending the weekend together. It’s not just minding them whilst the parents work as a nursery substitute. When you take them to the park for an hour whilst parents get a break for example is part of raising them. I do feel sometimes reading the posts on mumsnet that it’s either something or nothing at all.

There's a mid way between the those extremes though & I should think that that's where a lot of Gps are.

FIL is like this and he doesn’t even have the excuse of distance! He has been to our house literally once in his life. I’m not sure MIL (now deceased) ever visited.

They will meet us in nice restaurants, and if those aren’t child friendly (eg baby cries, toddler tries to explore) then I have to leave the meal and wrangle the children outside by myself. We see them maybe 2-3 times a year.

FIL then had the gall to be offended that DS didn’t recognise him aged 3. Contrast that to my DM, who picks DS up from school one day a week, goes on holiday with us, and looks after DS in the holidays. DM lives 90mins away, FIL lives 20mins away (and went through our station on his way to work before he retired last year).

DH says FIL was like this when DH was a child too - made it very clear he wasn’t interested. I think some people just don’t like spending time with children, including their own, so when they don’t have to they just don’t.

Nope. A lot of grandparents provide childcare and are involved in helping raise GC. It’s only on mumsnet where it’s normal for absent GCs who don’t bother even attending their GCs birthdays.

The hurt is absolutely valid from your end. It’s complete disinterest from them and lack of overall effort is heartbreaking. The notion of having a village is dead and people are extremely hedonistic unfortunately. Grandparents can absolutely enjoy their retirements without cutting of grandchildren. As for the birthday party they could arrange to have stayed the night.

I don’t remember my grandparents who lived in the same village coming to my birthday parties. I think you need to readjust your expectations.

I would love to live by the coast, I love the sea and feel instantly calmer, but I can't see it ever happening because my husband is so close to his family. Maybe they've moved to somewhere they've always dreamed of, and that's their choice, I would just stop expecting anything from them.

My mum loves quite far away half of the year and the other half is often off on adventures so doesn’t have a lot of time to spend with my kids BUT when she is here she makes an effort to see them and do things with them that they enjoy. When she’s not here she regularly checks in on how they are doing and asks about each one (we have 5 kids) and remembers what they have going on in their lives and is genuinely interested. I do not begrudge her having a fabulous life and not being around much as she should be enjoying her life but she also shows she cares. I think that’s the difference.
my husbands dad and step mum however I don’t think even know the ages of our children, my kids have noticed their indifference as they have got older and now actively choose to not see those grandparents

They seem to want the nice fun bits but nothing else

Is that the definition of a Grandparent though?

I lived in the same town as my Gps & they didn't come to my parties!

Yabu, they live 4 hours away. What exactly do you want from therm? Not much they can do 4 hours away. They’ve also raised their kids, so understandable that they want their lives back now.
it’s good that they have one set of GP’s who are very involved, but you don’t have to have both sides.

I get the birthday thing and offer to stay over, but maybe they just don’t want to.

My parents or PIL havent been to any of the kids birthday parties (We've had 52 of them all added together!). We see them about 4 times a year each. They adore the kids and Visa versa. But not really looked after them much.maybe 4 weekends over 18 years (the PIL looked after them once for a couple of hours!)

When our DD's were little they had two sets of grandparents who were very different.

My DH's parents were outgoing, independent business owners with a busy social life and made it quite clear from the beginning that they would not be the kind of grandparents who regularly babysat our kids and we were not to expect them to look after them while we went to work etc. They had raised their kids and had no interest in raising ours. They love and adore them but had no interest in 'looking after them' or being too hands on. The kids saw them regularly though and they were very present when they did see them and they showered them with love and had fun with them playing, reading and doing activities.

My parents on the other hand were very hands on and always there to babysit and would often suggest we took weekends away and they would be happy to have the kids. They helped with days out, birthday parties and were very involved in their lives. Not overbearingly or anything but they were always there if we needed them for anything and took the kids on holiday a few times and they asked if they could take them. They looked after our eldest when I gave birth to our youngest etc....

Both sets love and adore them but we just accepted they had different styles and different boundaries and it worked for us.

Not everyone wants to be hugely involved or wants to drive miles and spend lots of their time attending birthday parties. It was my DH's parents worst nightmare. They never once attended one and we didn't expect them to.

I think you need to just accept them as they are and not expect too much of them and then you won't be too disappointed if they don't do the things you want them to or act the way you would like them to. It doesn't mean they love them any less.

I would feel very hurt too in this situation.

When one or both of them become poorly or infirm, you’ll be off the hook though!
As you said, out of sight and out of mind.

Out of interest is your dh an only child?

Forgetting to send birthday cards (or gifts?) is wrong I think. But you also say they just seem to want to do the fun bits of being grandparents. I personally think people are entitled to do the fun bits - they aren't the parents after all and have already raised their own children (however well). Not all grandparents want to be doing the school run everyday or babysitting constantly. Look on the bright side - you won't be expected/able to drive them to GP/hospital appointments in 10/15 years time or do their weekly shop for them either 🤷‍♀️

This, perhaps they as a couple have always had their own ideas and plans for when they reached this age and they're following through with that... you only get one life.
They seem to be pleasant and involved when they do see you and the gc, although not sending a card was a bit off, I don't they're doing anything wrong at all.