When the inlaws move away...

If they won’t communicate then there’s nothing much you can do. You can speculate as to their reasons, but you can tie yourself in knots to no benefit…

I think DH (and you, but mainly him) need to figure out what sort of relationship you want with them going forward - eg they’re welcome at family events/ send photos and updates to the family group chat. Does DH spend time with them directly / have his own conversations? Does he have siblings?

Am prepared to run contra to other commenters but while I do agree it’s odd there was no gift, I don’t think it’s appropriate for a child to ask where presents or, or for you to be miffed about it (which your child will pick up on).

@Peekaboooooo for what it’s worth I think it’s sad and you’re not entitled.

That is off. None of my grandparents were great gift givers, and we saw them infrequently (and we’re not particularly close), but they’d always clock it was my birthday near the time and some money would end up in my palm.

Sadly it’s just continuation of the same lack of care for your family. It doesn’t surprise me based on your posts. Unless they are otherwise big gift givers, to friends etc?

As long as they remember this when they're elderly/frail/ill and need help.

This was my grandparents. Nice people but they had a very active social life, always going on holidays and they spent much more time with their friends than their family. As I say, nice people but I didn't feel close to them at all and had no 'bond'.
Fast forward to when they are 90 and now housebound with no friends left living, sadly. They expect us all (my parents, my aunty, my brother and I, cousins..) to be caring for them and running around doing lots of errands, chores etc. I feel bad as they are elderly and need help and I can see they're quite lonely too, however my husband and children and my friends, social life etc come first. I'm a good person and sometimes feel guilty about not helping them as much as they'd like but this is because they're old and frail, not because I actually want to help them due to love or a bond.
I think my mum and aunt are crazy helping as much as they do, considering they got no help at all from my GPs when they were raising us but that's up to them. Again, it's duty not love.

Unfortunately, my GPs are reaping what they sewed for decades.

But these are two very different sets of people. I think your expectations are the problem here.

When our boys were 4 & 1 my MIL moved abroad - Europe, a few hours flight. I was 25, my husband (her only child) 27. Two years later we got married, she said she couldn’t come (we’d not seen her since she left at that point).
She’d send bday cards (never presents) for the eldest grandchild but not the youngest.
Fast forward, it’s 18 years later and we’ve never seen her since she the day she moved 18 years ago.
We cut contact after we had our third boy 13 years ago and she didn’t even call (despite us trying to call her, she just text us). It was too hurtful for my husband.
She doesn’t even know she has a forth grandson.
It’s mind boggling she could just leave my husband - he didn’t even have a dad or siblings. Some parents seem to be missing normal paternal instincts.

How was your relationship before they moved? Did you make a lot of demands on them and they saw that they were going to be required to help a lot? Usually the parents of a father are the 'second' set of grandparents, compared with the parents
of a mother. We have two sons and have accepted that their children see more of their maternal grandparents, although we are involved with them on a regular basis.
It's a shame they didn't send a birthday card but older people put less stress on birthdays, they used not to be so celebrated. Do you send them birthday cards?

guess your expectations are reasonable in view of prior close relationship with your husband
other than the four driver - although there are cheap hotels around arent there

I apologise for this comment I was in a bit of a grump and had a few drinks. I must remember not to post when I've had a drink.

My ex mil moved away when her 3 gcs were 2 and one a baby.
We weren't too bothered she had visited us every single day since her husband died the year before then she got with a new chap and off she went. Her DD with a 2 year old and new baby was furious. They fell out over it. Didn't speak for years and even now it's not the same.
I found it weird when she had said for years she couldn't wait to be a grandma then when she did she hardly saw them.
My own mum always put her pets cats before grandkids and moved away and the kids were upset.
I spent too many years visiting her when I should have took the kids out for the day to the beach instead of running about after her. Big regret I have now.

I'm on the other side of this.
Me and my partner are from 2 different towns 4 1/2 hours away from each other. We moved to his town and saw his family every day, which is just too much for me. We were there for about a year and a half and in that time I came home about 4 or 5 times, I had a child down there and my family didn't come to visit and I was actually glad, my mum was happy to come but i genuinely didnt want anyone around and to be in our own bubble for a few weeks. His family have always acted like mine are weird and slack for not travelling 4 1/2 hours away to visit or help us but i would never ask them to and I would hope noone would ever ask the same of me. We then moved to my town and have been here for 3 years. I know for sure they talk crap about us and think we're slack for not driving down there for every event, every nieces and nephews birthday etc. I don't even invite them to my kids birthdays because I know they would come, "make a weekend of it" and stay in our house and what was supposed to be a birthday party for a few hours turns into hosting people for 3 days which, i hate anyone staying at my house. Some people are just different, I don't miss people if I don't see them apart from my own children. And it is pretty much out of sight out of mind, if im not looking at you im probably not going to be talking to you, I don't really message anyone unless its to organise seeing them in person and this goes for all my friends and family. Most people don't care because theyre busy too, but when people do care and complain about it i find the relationship too high maintence, it wont make me want to spend more time with them, it will just make me feel like I have to and resent them for it. But none of these people are my grand kids, if the love for a grandchild is anything like the love for my own children I'd drive 20 hours just to give them a hug.

I could have written this v.similar situation. Caused us lots of upsets I've decided out o sight out if mind is fine. We made a big effort, offered to take them out always a resounding no apart from when we offered to pay for a week in a hotel nr where we live they jumped at that. They also recently said they would do cards as gifts to much for thie budget. Then boasted about new recliner chairs cost £6k they bought. Defiantly stopped going on at my husband about it as it causes us issues. Just focus on your parents and visit sparingly.

Having read lots of threads on Mumsnet, it's clear that neither parents nor parents-in-law can get things right for everyone. We're too close, too interfering, too far away, show an awful lack of interest, want to take over their children's or grand children's lives..... The list of complaints from, generally, daughters and daughters-in-law continues to grow. I only want to point out that sometime, in the not too distant future, you may find yourself the subject of of one of these gripes. Good luck! Fully expect to be shot down in flames here for putting my head above the parapet.

This is so very sad,I hate to see GPs that don't see their GC or make the effort,my Mam came from Ireland to see my girls and my 2 girls went to stop with her for a month in the summer from about the ages of 6 and 8 she used to come over to the UK regularly to help me out,I split with the girls Dad when they were 4 and 2,I lived next door to my in laws until the day we moved back to Ireland when they were 13 and 11,my in-laws were absolutely brilliant and looked after us all brilliantly,sadly they died few years ago and girls are now 29 and 27..I've got 1 granddaughter and love being a grandparent myself..

Like many people our jobs weren't near either set of parents. Inlaws 4.5 hours and mine 7.5 hours away.
We would never expect them to do a return journey it in one day. We always offered them a room and we would stay at their house.

If the post is anything like ours his card could still be in the post. I live in the South East and only have one collection a day. It took 8 days for a first class card to get to Nottingham.

I know many people who move once their children have left home. Or have plans too move to the seaside or the countryside.

No birthday cards? This is more than about distance. Equally they could stay in a hotel and make it a two or three day trip...not like they have a job to get back to. If they wanted to be active grandparents they would, unfortunately for the kiddos it seems like they don't.

Good for them! They're enjoying their life, as we all should do. They don't expect their family to run around after them because they're independent. They've not even moved very far!
OP, families can be spread all over the world. Living in each other's pockets can be suffocating and there are other equally, or more, important things in life. Your in laws sound like wonderful people, to be admired.

Just remember this when they need caring for I’m afraid!

Selfish Boomers. Fuck em.

My inlaws were same . We are 30 + years married
Moved Way about 18 years ago . About 3hrs away . Never really interested in x2 only gc .even when lived nearby . I had to do all pushing to arrange meeting up etc .
I tried to keep the connection for my x2 children sake but realized about 5 years ago that there actually isn't any relationship there now . My x2 adultC don't make an effort much with them as adults now . I stopped trying x5 years ago as light bulb moment . They never put themselves out to meet up . Always us travelling to them. A few years ago their s my H had serious medical issue. It Took 11 weeks for them to visit !!! & Only when I told them eventually that they should as long overdue considering it was almost ,3 months !! They came next day . ! We have moved 2½ years ago still same area & they have never even seen this new home . I just do bare minimum re contact as it's draining . I think menopause taught me to just do what suits ourselves , not them .
On my side of family it's so so different . This is why I tried for over 2 decades to make a real effort . But it was never reciprocated . .
Now our children are adults, we suit ourselves, ring them whenever we might think & call maybe 2 or 3 times max . Use to make a real effort for their birthdays & Christmas, but now I don't . We meet up a few weeks before, ½ way, for a dinner . Birthdays we just send card & ring
I think sad , used to bother me a lot but now I don't let it . they will always be the same . Only interested in THEMSELVES - . SO LET THEM . Don't waste ur time . They will never change unless they want to themselves