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Original poster

Am I a coward? Wife of a disabled dh

81 replies

Salesave · 09/07/2025 19:14

I don’t even know how to word this.
My dh has a physical disability that affects how he walks. He can walk far, play football, swim. But his walking gait and stiffness makes him walk differently.

We could be having a normal day, outside having fun and someone will take the piss. Right in his face. My dh content stand for anything and will call them out, argue back with them. I’m with him defending him. Then our day is kinda f from then on. His confidence is shot and he wants to go home.

Even if people just look at his legs he will take it for a while then call them out.

Now imagine this almost everyday, people looking. Some crazy people saying stuff to his face and some kids mimicking.

My children get asked in school, why does your dad walk like that. I told them not to tell him as it would break his heart.

I don’t know how to handle this, he will go crazy sometimes. Threatening people and throwing stuff at them, insulting them. If it’s a women he wants me to be the one doing that stuff and I can’t bring myself to do it. I only feel anger like that if it’s something to do with my children.

I have in the past called people out and shouted at them but it’s only for him as he calls me a coward. I just hate confrontation.

He notices people looking when I didn’t see anything. I told him you can’t fight the world, but he says he has pride. Which I understand.

He was SA as a child which I think has given him his heightened sense of awareness and to have to constantly look out. My son has the same disability and we can go out and have a normal day. No one says anything and we don’t see anyone staring.

Today we went to my daughter’s sports day and we had ice cream and was having fun when my dh said that two girls were saying why does he walk like that, he told me that I needed to speak them. I said who are their parents I will speak to them. He didn’t know. He then said that he wants to leave and he left.

After, I felt like he was angry with me for not confronting two primary school children that asked a question. He has done this before, he wants me to defend him which I should but some situations are not appropriate.

I’m emotionally fatigued, I can’t begin to imagine what it is like for him. To have grown up like that and go through all of these challenges.

But selfishly, I just want to have a normal day out.

OP posts:
User37482 · 09/07/2025 19:32

It must be really hard for him and the rest of you. I’m always astounded by what arseholes people are. Children though don’t mean it. DD had a friend at nursery with significant physical disabilities and she thought nothing of it. I didn’t even know he was in her class until she mentioned he couldn’t join in with something because he couldn’t walk and she felt bad for him. She still asked me about a man who didn’t have lower legs when we were out. She definitely would never have said it in a mean way, she was just curious.

It is painful to hear that you stand out in some way, if you are of a different ethnicity, if you have a disability, if you are physically an outlier in any way people will look. It’s shit but the majority of people are just doing a double take or children will want to know why you are different.

Has he considered therapy? I can understand why he feels like going home because he’s suddenly self conscious and feeling awful but he needs a better way of handling it for all your sakes.

poetryandwine · 09/07/2025 19:30

This is a difficult one, OP.

I think very young children asking innocent questions deserve a pass. Asking about your DH is no different to choosing the quietest moment on the train to ask in tones of ringing clarity, ‘So, Mummy, what is oral sex?’

No one else does. I’m sure you are exhausted but it is actually quite shitty behaviour. I wonder if your DH would relax a bit if he felt that you had his back?

At Sports Day you don’t have authority but teachers do. If pupils mimic DH I wouldn’t hesitate to report them and ask that they be spoken to. I might even video them only to show a teacher, and delete in the teacher’s presence.

Random strangers are more difficult. I have every sympathy with your DH but the behaviours you describe are similar to what many who are minorities of one kind or another endure. They all suck and they are all sad, disgusting reflections of the perpetrator. A thicker skin would help. Would he consider counselling?

Motnight · 09/07/2025 19:30

I am so sorry that your DH and your family have to go through this shit. But he cannot respond in the way that he is, and he can't include you. Soon he will be asking the kids to get involved. He has to be the bigger person here.

Original poster
Salesave · 09/07/2025 19:25

I know that they are curious but for my dh, he gets offended. How does your dad deal with day to day and people staring?

OP posts:
Laffydaffy · 09/07/2025 19:25

Is it ataxia? My DS can walk but not without extreme jerks and uncontrolled movements. When he is tired, it is worse. As a result, he prefers the wheelchair when out.

This also means fewer people watch him and comment or laugh, which, I have to be fair about, I hate but understand, because he has such an unusual gait and it can look quite funny.

Autumn1990 · 09/07/2025 19:19

Children will ask because it’s unusual and they don’t understand why. They just need an age appropriate explanation.
My dad walks differently and in some areas (well he avoids them now) he has had people be aggressive or just weird towards him, most places are fine but he lives in a rural affluent area and I think that may make a difference.