Am I a coward? Wife of a disabled dh

I'm a quadruple amputee (5 years ago) and I get staring, pity and lots of questions (and comments from curious children to their adults). It can be hard and I have been upset at times, especially by the pity. I have dealt with it by being very open about explaining to children when they stare. I also go in to talk to pupils about disability so they see me as a person rather than just seeing my disability. I also attract attention to things other than my missing limbs - I wear bright clothes, have brightly dyed hair and start up conversations with strangers. I refuse to hide away: I'm active in my community and celebrate how blessed I am to have survived and have such a wonderful second life. That's my way of handling it, but it's not the right way for everyone.
Things which might possibly help your husband: contact with others in similar situations (I find facebook groups with other quad amputees great for perspective, tips and solidarity); counselling as a space to discuss how he feels and other ways of responding; t-shirts with slogans (I have one which reads "some assembly required"); listening to him but modelling more helpful ways of reacting or rehearsing responses (many amputees will answer "a shark got me" when asked what happened!)

he just sounds aggr4esive sorry-the insults are one thing but he used to have road rage so nothing to do with his disability

he needs therpy

I do genuinely feel for him but he needs to handle it differently rather then getting aggressive i would personally try to embarrass the other person i would look them straight in the eye and loudly so others can hear ask them why they are staring is their a problem

I think serious counselling is in order. I am in a similar situation to your husband and honestly all this is doing is eating him away.

Sadly it is something he can only learn to accept and be ok with himself. My 7 year old has a speech disorder and it means 80% of his speech isn't understandable to strangers or kids he doesn't know well. It just sounds like gibberish sometimes especially when he's excited. He has speech therapy and working on MH support at school now, but he has had kids laugh in his face, insult his speech tell him he can't speak English, ask him why he can't talk properly. It's heartbreaking seeing someone you love so much be a victim to bullies and nastiness but unfortunately resilience is the only way to overcome it.

Not making excuses op but as you said previously your DH was a victim of SA as a child could that along with his disability have given him the rage and anger that’s gone on for so long maybe he just feels like he’s fire fighting all the time with no rest mentally.

Really feel for you both here it’s horrible, I can in one way understand and sympathise with the dread of people looking and watching my DS is autistic be it very happy and bubbly but when he stims people will stop and stare at him and it drives me insane I have to bite my lip.

Bullies love it when their victims get angry. It’s even more fun for them than if you cry. It fuels them. So your DH needs to learn to spoil their fun by ignoring them.

Sorry it must be hard for both of you. But he really is fuelling the bullies.

The road rage is s different matter. He’s a danger to you both and other people, so he shouldn’t drive if he can’t control it.

Your last post said it all .. his road rage shows that he just likes a fight .. when driving his disability is not apparent but his ugly attitude is.

he also bullies you into getting involved … do you want to stay with him or do you think you have to because if his in some ways fairly minor disability?

He needs some serious counselling and anger management.

People are also going to stare and children are always going to ask questions. They don’t deserve abuse.

The arsehole well they should get what they deserve.

Your husband may be disabled but he also just sounds like an aggressive arsehole and sounds like he would be regardless of his disability if he always had road rage too.

My whole life has been based on supporting family members with disabilities. My DM has cerebral palsy and so I was a young carer (she divorced my dad) and had to help her walk.

My dad then got diagnosed with Huntingdon's Disease when I was an adult, and I became his sole carer. He used to stagger and slur, and people sometimes thought he was drunk.

My ex (my DC's dad) had cerebral palsy.

Both my DC are autistic, with DS having high needs so is visibly different. DD's disability is invisible.

I would echo PP in saying that children are curious about the world, and if they see anything that's different, they're going to look and maybe ask a question. That's how they learn and tbh, it's positive, because it provides an opportunity for them to start understanding and learning about disabilities while they're young.

I have to say, over my lifetime, I've found most people to be kind and understanding. The only times I've encountered attitudes was when DS was struggling and people would be assuming he was just badly behaved (eg/crawling into the shop displays to hide because he couldn't cope with lights, noise etc). And then on a couple of occasions with Dad when they very clearly thought he was drunk. But overall, when people recognise a disability, I can't say we've had any nasty glances or comments at all - the only issues have been when they've not realised.

Is it possible that your DH is overly sensitive to general looks of people out in public? Maybe they're not looking at him because of his disability? You say that your DS has the same disability and you're not experiencing the same problems when you go out....

I actually think your DH has an anger problem and he's bullying you into behaving in a way that he approves of. Not everything has to be met with anger - and the only people he's hurting is himself, and his family.

Are you able to have an honest conversation with him about all of this? It's not fair on you, or your DC.

It’s not easy for him of course, but I really feel for you too OP. You must be on tenterhooks every time you go out 😢

@Salesave I have to agree @CopperWhite - and I have a disabled relative (whose life I organise), we walk around his town whilst he dribbles, jerk his head, stares at people deadpan - water, duck, back. There’s a lovely young girl who lives in the same facility as my relative, she has the same condition as your husband, plus autism and LD, but she’s always smiling, today I could hear her from her apartment screaming in pain for hours, but the next time I see her I can guarantee she will be smiling, interested and engaged. Not that she needs to be smiling for anyone, but a disability really does bring out your character. And it puts it out there in a way that’s unedited, and that’s when being in a room full of disabled people with learning disabilities can be really funny, as they are just hilarious, sweet, outrageous and fun.

Maybe your DH could benefit from counselling his obviously carrying a stigma around his disability.

Hard as it is, it really is something he has to deal with.
Kids ask questions and stare because he is different, so do some adults.

I know what it's like because I have always had a leg issue and walk funny,
I'm sure my kids have been asked what's wrong with me

I will always tell people what's wrong if they ask, it's just part of who I am and could have been much worse

It sounds as if he needs some help to come to terms with it.

Either of you shouting at people won't help

No, you are not a coward at all. You’re doing everything you can to support him and I’m sorry to say that he isn’t helping himself.

I lost my right leg when I was 16, it was tough but I adjusted with help. I think he needs some therapy and counselling for his anxiety and anger issues. It’s not nice to think that you are different but I am and so is he.

Children ask because they are curious, not nasty, it’s normal and they deserve an answer to ensure that they grow up balanced and not afraid of differences.

Getting angry only increases his feelings of alienation and resentment. You are very caring and supportive but this needs to change. He needs to face up to it and accept it. That sounds hard but it’s the only way he’s going to cope. It’s not going to change, so he needs to.

Most people are ok, kids are curious and what he thinks are people staring at him walking are probably wondering why he looks so angry.

He needs therapy before the anger starts spilling over into another area of your life. Please ask at your local surgery for help for him, so you can all be happy.

Oh, apologies, I can see you’ve already answered that.

Oh, I feel for you all so much. The problem would be solved if some people weren’t such utter pricks. I mean, kids’ curiosity I can understand. But not the rudeness and ignorance of some grown assed adults.
Do you think your husband would undergo counselling to help him cope, as he can’t keep putting it all on you?

His sensitivity is understandable but being offended at a question asked by children is pathetic tbh. He is setting his son a terrible example of how to have a happy life despite people looking at the way he walks.

My DH is fully tetraplegic/quadriplegic. We have hardly been out together in the last four years, but when he finally gets the confidence our DD will be so proud of him xx

It sounds like he isn't dealing well with accepting his disability. Has he had counselling to help him at all?
He needs to be a bit more tolerant of children, they are naturally curious and going to wonder and maybe if he has a child friendly answer this would help educate them and help them to understand people they might see in different places.

Probably assumes that most people aren't even focusing on the person moving past them or are just vaguely aware that there's a person there/oh, they have a disability, I'm going to have to buy bread on the way home and the cat's tray needs changing rather than doing the 'You looking at me?' bollocks.

Other than those who are out to be pricks - who are obvious because they announce that they're pricks the moment they approach or open their mouths - the majority of people just aren't that observant or interested in physical disabilities.

That must be so awful for your poor DH and I really feel for him but he's handling it really badly. Would he be open to counselling? He runs the risk of pushing everyone away.

Children who are asking, aren't laughing, they're simply noticing a difference and questioning it. How else would they learn about anything?