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Original poster

Is this a crazy way to live or am I just jealous?

567 replies

Nurseamy87 · 09/07/2025 18:14

My SIL (older brother’s wife) is in her early 40s and does not have a job. She describes herself - on her Facebook bio 🙄 - as a “full time dog mum” . She is also a mature student who studies from home.

She and my brother have no children, yet inexplicably own a 3 bedroom house. Of the two spare rooms, one is my brother’s ‘office’ as he WFH full-time. My SIL has the other spare room for a desk where she studies, as well as room in there for her hobby (a craft). Everything is set up lovely for her. She Also has time to keep their house so nice. She used to work, until the pandemic, but claims to have a health issue and she had wanted to study but hadn’t previously had the opportunity to so decided to go for it. She is vague about what kind of career, if any, this studying will lead to.

I have spoken to my brother privately about this craziness, and he genuinely seems happy with this arrangement, saying that he loves her and is supportive. They are lucky he is in a decent profession and can support them both. They have never expressed any desire for children, of course we don’t know what goes on behind closed doors, but they do both seem to have a happy and peaceful life.

I however am stuck as an NHS slave (Great patients, awful management). Myself and DH had a dog who we lost suddenly earlier this year, we hope to have another “one day”. Being a full time dog mum sounds SO stupid, why can’t she do what the rest of us have to, send the dog to a dog sitter and go out to work!! Nor is it realistic for most 40 somethings to have a spare room to cater to their studies and hobbies! All DH and I have is our main bedroom and tiny box room which is rammed full of junk… that’s the real world right??!

I don’t know how my brother tolerates my SIL’s weird doggy mum / student life! She needs to get in the real world. Crazy thing is my brother worships the ground she walks on and does not ever seem to be telling her she needs to get a job like the rest of us have to.

OP posts:
Ninja2 · 10/07/2025 11:22

I completely agree that their set up is entirely up to them and that it sounds great. However there’s a fairly stark difference on here to basically any thread with SAHMs, where they’re often told that they shouldn’t be letting a man keep them and they should get a job and contribute to the family finances, it’s not fair for the man to carry the financial burden etc.

mondaytosunday · 10/07/2025 11:22

‘Inexplicably’ have a three bed house? It seems perfectly reasonable the set up they have. Why should she work if she can afford not to and that’s the life they have chosen? If you were given the affordability to quit your job wouldn’t you? You could then find something that fulfils you - perhaps another job, perhaps learning (which is valuable for its own sake, it doesn’t have to lead to anything tangible).
You are totally out of order to talk to your brother about this. And not only jealous but petty.

BIossomtoes · 10/07/2025 11:12

pushthebuttonnn · 10/07/2025 11:09

C'mon it is a bit strange that he's keeping her in this day and age..paying for her food and clothing and a roof over her head.. like she's a child.
She should be working full stop.

Edited
Show quote history

Why? She’s taking nothing from the state and the person who is financing her is entirely happy. Why should a student be working in a paid job? She’s working for her degree.

pushthebuttonnn · 10/07/2025 11:09

Confabulations · 10/07/2025 07:13

If the brother was here complaining about it, yes. He appears happy with the set up. Someone only becomes a cocklodger when the person they live with is unhappy. OP also says her SIL keeps the house nice, so she isn't expecting the brother to do it all while she does nothing.
There is no double standard here, just jealousy.

Edited
Show quote history

C'mon it is a bit strange that he's keeping her in this day and age..paying for her food and clothing and a roof over her head.. like she's a child.
She should be working full stop.

ShinyAppleDreamingOfTheSea · 10/07/2025 11:07

BMW6 · 10/07/2025 08:27

I think OP has fecked off

I think she’s watching everyone frothing and having a laugh TBH.

BMW6 · 10/07/2025 10:24

CatKings · 10/07/2025 09:32

2 bedroom houses aren’t really a thing are they, 3 are much more common. The only 2 bedroom houses I’ve known are terraces with limited gardens, and they have a dog and your DB WFH so needs some quiet.

I think 2 bed houses (yes in terraces) must be the most common! Think of the thousands of terraces built in Victorian days in every city - all 2 up 2 down.

There must be millions of 2 beds! And one of them is mine 😄

Starlight1984 · 10/07/2025 09:40

She and my brother have no children, yet inexplicably own a 3 bedroom house.

😂

CatKings · 10/07/2025 09:32

2 bedroom houses aren’t really a thing are they, 3 are much more common. The only 2 bedroom houses I’ve known are terraces with limited gardens, and they have a dog and your DB WFH so needs some quiet.

Retro12 · 10/07/2025 09:27

I would be looking at why you are so bothered!

If you're jealous, you have choices to change your life in whatever way will be more enriching for you.

Jealousy is a vile trait to have! she isn't doing any harm and you've just ripped her a new one...

ConcernedOfClapham · 10/07/2025 08:51

BMW6 · 10/07/2025 08:27

I think OP has fecked off

Inexplicable behaviour 😤

BMW6 · 10/07/2025 08:27

I think OP has fecked off

Sharptonguedwoman · 10/07/2025 08:24

Well how very dare they own a reasonable sized house!! My DS and BIL have no children and no pets (they are away very frequently) and have a massive bungalow with 5/6 bedrooms. This gives them spare bedrooms and hobby rooms and lots of storage. They are very happy.

PollyBell · 10/07/2025 08:18

I cant see anything that makes me think somkne pwuld have to have a word? About what? your jealousy?

I really dont get why people cant understand not all couples are the same and it is actually none of your business so why on earth you think you needed to have interfered i have no idea

Kattley · 10/07/2025 08:11

You could be talking about me. I have a life restricting illness and you know what, I know for a fact that I am not going to have a long, healthy retirement so I’m having my ”retirement” early. It’s nothing to do with you and I applaud your brother and SIL.

Allisnotlost1 · 10/07/2025 08:11

yelladuster · 09/07/2025 23:56

@Allisnotlost1 It is usually when the person is posting from the perspective of the other person. So in this case if it were a reverse, the OP is really the Dog Mum and student with a three bedroom house and is making a post from her SIL's pov.

Edited

Ah ok, thanks.

ChopstickNovice · 10/07/2025 07:58

Gosh. I am jealous of her too! But it's nothing to do with you, if they're both happy, good for them.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 10/07/2025 07:35

sunights · 10/07/2025 06:31

@mumtobabyhavoc- jugey much?
I was saying I just unfollow them!

?

MaidOfSteel · 10/07/2025 07:34

Unless they are short of cash, and can’t afford their lifestyle, then no, your sister in law doesn’t need to get a job!

im shocked you’ve actually mentioned this to your brother. He took it well. I’d have told you where to go…

You come across as resentful at best, OP. There’ll always be people who have more than you so you’re setting yourself up for a lifetime of bad feeling. Let it go.

PoppyFleur · 10/07/2025 07:33

ZoggyStirdust · 09/07/2025 18:44

There will be a lot of support on this thread. Things like “good on her” and “if they’re happy let them do what they want”

if it was a woman working and a man being a “dog dad” he’s be a cocklodger and she should dump him immediately

The OP is describing a situation that she has zero knowledge of. Her brother is not unhappy and has not complained about the set up. As the OP says, they “inexplicably have a 3 bedroom house”. So the OP doesn’t know any details of finances. The SIL could have been the higher earner and paid off the mortgage before taking a career break. She could have inherited a large sum and be living off that.

When posters call a man a cocklodger it’s because he is a house husband who doesn’t financially contribute or take care of the house, children, dog, garden etc. In the OP it clearly states the SIL keeps the house spotless - and more importantly the brother is happy with the situation.

ScruffGin · 10/07/2025 07:27

Yes you sound jealous! However I can see why and I sort of agree with you 😂

My main worry would be what happens if your brother can't work anymore or passes away? She'd be screwed unless he's well insured... Hopefully they have life insurance and income protection insurance

Flamingoknees · 10/07/2025 07:25

When we bought our 3 bedroomed house in our 30's, with no kids planned, it really didn't strike me as inexplicable. I was an NHS worker too. This is a very odd post.

GreyCarpet · 10/07/2025 07:23

They chose not to have children. That plays a big part of how life pans out in terms of finances, time and space.

They just made different choices to you.

You could have made the same ones but you didn't.

springintoaction321 · 10/07/2025 07:20

hehehe agree with @vegetarianlouise

And yes, the OP is not coming back after 10 pages of people calling her jealous.

And perhaps she can't 'change her lifestyle' because she and her partner don't have the money to do that.

LillyPJ · 10/07/2025 07:18

@VenusSlyTrap Even us poor people sometimes have a spare room! I'm retired and live alone in a 2 double-bed house. The second bedroom is my office/music room/art room/reading room/guest room. Occasionally, one of my adult DC will come to stay for a few days, and I really miss the use of that room.

gannett · 10/07/2025 07:15

She's actually not wafting around being a lady of leisure or even the tongue-in-cheek "full time dog mum" on her insta bio (not that either of those things would be bad regardless) - she's a full-time student. And she doesn't owe you her career map after she gets her degree.

It's very very normal for one half of a couple to support the other while they take time out of working to study/train/retrain. Off the top of my head I can think of 5 couples I'm friends with who've done this.

Currently a friend's partner is studying for a psychology degree, which means she also has time to take in every rescue cat she feels sorry for (eight and counting). She's been quite vague about her post-degree plans - this is because she wants to set up her own business, but doesn't want to tell all and sundry in case she doesn't pull it off.

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