AIBU to be torn between continuing IVF or accepting a child-free life

This is such a difficult one as it's very much a personal choice, there is no right or wrong answer. Taking a break is a good shout. Stress is massive contributing factor in IVF so taking a break to get your head straight is likely to be beneficial either way. Personally, my heart told me I'd always have regrets and I kept at it.....my daughter was my 7th round of IVF and my son was a further 2 FET and 1 IVF. That was the right call for me, but for others those ££ might have been better spent invested in property or on foreign travel. You just have to be happy with your choice

Been there OP almost exactly except my DH has two children who were late teens when we gave up IVF. You would think him having children would make it easier to accept a child free life but I am human and it actually put more distance between me and them but that hasn’t really changed our life much as they are adults now.

There is a funny thing that happens when you finally accept that you are not going to be a mother, like a switch from one future reality to another. At least that’s the way it is for me. We concentrated on the things that a child free life allowed us to enjoy that having children puts restraints on… travel, finances, the kind of house we bought, the cars we buy, how we spend our free time, the ability to not have to plan everything and be spontaneous. It seems superficial to others but when you have to live a life you didn’t really plan on (ie not being a mother) then those things do take on more meaning and become central to who you are.

I think the problem comes for some women who get stuck on the unfulfilled reality of not being a mother so as long as you can see an equally fulfilling life without children you will be just as happy.

Occasionally I feel a pang of regret and this is happening a little more frequently recently. I will put my hands up and admit that I am feeling a bit envious of my SD who is embarking on her life with new fiancé and baby plans soon after. But then I see my friends who are tied down to school terms and resort holidays, I remind myself of the benefits of my own life and find the things I am grateful for.

I can't speak personally as I am still hopeful it will happen for us but I have a friend who had many rounds of IVF and it did not result in pregnancy, she made the decision to stop at a particular age wether it worked or not. She has built and is continuously building the most beautiful life full of so much love and joy and adventure, the kids in her life all adore her (which is easy, she's fab) and although I know she still has sadness around it, her life is in absolutely no way less because she doesn't have children.

I would get a dog, not as a replacement but they are lovely.

But I would accept having children the traditional way was not meant to be.

you could look into adoption, fostering or surrogacy

I guess you have to draw the line somewhere and make a conscious decision that you're going to stop.

IVF and the desire to have a baby can be all consuming if you let it. I know someone who spent £150,000 on years of IVF without success. She couldn't enjoy or acknowledge any event/holiday without a comment about how 'she should be celebrating this with a child', or 'I can't enjoy Christmas without a child' and so on. She ended up dropping friends who had children. When a mutual friend of ours got pregnant for the 3rd time she actually said her 'you're just doing this out of spite'. I also know someone who has secondary infertility and has also gone down the IVF route with no joy- regularly posts things about how she can't enjoy sharing her exiting child's Christmas or birthdays because she is hollow without another child. She's been posting stuff like this for about four years now. She is a great mum to her existing child but I really hope they never see her social media posts.

I'm not saying you will be like that OP- you seem really balanced and are logically and factually weighing up the pros and cons. If you do want children I can absolutely get how not having them emotionally and mentally impacts on you, but sometimes I think you can tip over into the sort of reaction that might need therapy.

I think you and your DH need to have a conversation about it. Do you do one/two/three more rounds and call it quits? Do you say no more from now? Only you and your DH can decide. A childfree life isn't an empty life, but I get how it can be a hard decision.

I’d go one more round, I’m not even sure why. In my head I think 3 rounds is already a hell of a good try, I agree counselling may help

No advice - it’s a tough place to be and I have no personal experience - but a close friend took a 12-month break when she was going through similar. She’d had 3 failed rounds of IVF and felt quite broken by it and wanted to feel ‘herself’ again physically and enjoy life without the pressure for a while.

She did happily conceive her only child on her fourth go at IVF after the ‘break’.

But I also know a couple of people through work who decided to stop after 2/3 unsuccessful IVFs. One couple adopted, the other are child free and seem to have some acceptance and be living a great life, although I’m sure there are bittersweet moments like with any major life decision.

Best wishes whatever you decide .

What a difficult situation to find yourself in. Friends who’ve been in similar situations have either taken a break until they know what’s right for them or given themselves a deadline, eg two more rounds then that’s it (for example).

I am about to start IVF, late 30s, severe endo and other gynae delights, and can imagine myself having the same quandary if our NHS rounds aren’t successful (I think two rounds).

I hope you get helpful advice here.

No one can answer this for you. I persevered, had the kids and have the life I want. I can now, however, look back and think if it hadn’t happened it would have been ok too.

Only you can know how much you will regret not continuing.

I would NO WAY get a dog as a consolation prize

A child free / child less life can be happy and fulfilling

HOWEVER - as you’ve otherwise got a good life and in a strong position - I’d give the IVF another go - good luck 🤞