AIBU to be torn between continuing IVF or accepting a child-free life

I don't have an answer but I would recommend reading 'How to Fail' by the amazing Elizabeth Day where she writes about her IVF journey (sadly unsuccessful).

We started our ivf journey when I was in my late 20's, had 4 failed attempts with 2 miscarriages, thought I was done with the whole process.
The mental load is immense... 7 yrs later we decided to have another shot and we now how our beautiful twins, my advice would be, if you feel too much pressure right now store some eggs if you can so you have the option if you change your mind later, we also had ours pgta tested which gives higher success rates
Wishing you all the best in your journey x

I would (and did) go for endo excision surgery rather than more IVF - if you have severe inflammation then it may be that even the healthiest embryo couldn’t implant. Best of luck whatever you choose 🌺

I've been where you are OP, we had two lots of IUI and, I think, three rounds of IVF, all unsuccessful. We had two embryos left and I decided to take a break as I was fed up not having my body to myself. During that break we realised that life was actually really good as it was and we decided not to continue fertility treatment. After more than five years of our life revolving around trying to get pregnant we both felt at peace with our decision and we've never regretted it. I am very lucky though in that I have a very happy marriage and my DH was always happy with just the two of us anyway. We had no pressure from family and I have quite a lot of child-free friends either by choice or due to infertility, so I wasn't the odd one out in my friendship groups. I'm sure we would have enjoyed having children if we had managed to but I can honestly say I think our life has been a lot less stressful and we have had a lot more money and freedom than we would have done if we had had children, our time is our own and we enjoy doing what we like. We both have careers we love and I've always loved cats so we have a few of them and that satisfies my caring side as I care for them. It's a tough decision but I just think of it as a sliding doors moment, you can go one way or the other but neither is wrong, they're just different, with different pros and cons.

Good luck, whatever you decide to do.

Well, no, but I think it's fair to say adoption isn't a poor replacement for biological children. It is an equally valid, but utterly different, way to be a parent. Someone who adopts without thinking long and hard about what it means and how it differs from a traditional parenting experience, is bound for failure, and that would be utterly unfair to the child/children.

Indeed it's a difficult decision.

I went through IVF but my circumstances are very different from yours and I won't claim to understand how you feel.

Maybe think about how much farther you are willing to go ?
Say it doesn't work, how many more attempts would you be willing to go through ?
Until what age, or how much money, or how many cycles ?
Say you stop now. Would you possibly feel like you didn't try hard enough ? Does the thought of stopping fill you with relief or disappointment ?

For me having children was essential and I'd probably have kept going until I broke the bank. I did in fact break the bank pretty bad and even now I sometimes think about what I could do with all that money. But I am finally done with it all with no what-ifs and that's worth a lot too.

But that's my answer, not yours.

It’s impossible to know how you will feel in 20 years time, all you have to go on is how you feel now.

Every time on here when adoption is mentioned where the OP has fertility issues and is torn about their options, so many posters berate others for suggesting adoption. There are cries of 'oh no don’t do that - you don’t want to deal with deeply damaged children!!’ I guess it’s only acceptable to deal with damaged kids when they are biologically yours.

@BeRedRobin what lovely news!! Congratulations

OP I can't fully relate because for me it was secondary fertility, not the same thing at all. I think if you decide to proceed again have a set amount of money / rounds of IVF / end date as otherwise you'll just keep convincing yourself the next on will be the one. You could lose so much by endless rounds and it would take a toll mentally and physically.

X10 IVF rounds, x5 MC, x2 DC on 8th and 10th rounds.

after MC #5 we took a year out, no IVF discussion, loads of fun, clubbing, holidays, job changes etc.

Then started again.

With DC2, well, we weren’t supposed to have more IVF and it was difficult circumstances. After days of discussion a single sentence made our decision:

fast forward 10 years, do you regret not having another cycle?

Having said all that my heart made me continue, my head should have made us stop at MC#5 as I was broken at that point.

I also shouldn’t have had IVF10, it was a huge MH and £ risk. We were lucky.

You’re young OP, take a year out IVF is hard, I think you need distance to think about it clearly.

I don’t think anyone can tell you when to stop as that’s so personal. I wouldn’t put myself into financial difficulties though to continue as pregnancy and children are also expensive and being in debt is an added stress you wouldn’t need.
I also had severe endo but I was very lucky with my IVF so I am going to send you sticky baby dust if you do continue the journey. If you decide you have had enough then I hope you can make peace with the decision.

Are you under any time scale for making a decision? We reached a point where we took all fertility discussion/decisions completely off the table and off limits for 6 months. A lot of self reflection, thinking and breathing. It allowed us both to gain a lot of clarity without pressure.
Good luck whatever you decide-it will be the right decision for you.

Knowing where to draw the line is so hard. I was told 3 rounds were probably required to give it the best chance of success so I was prepared for that, if we'd been unsuccessful then I would have been happy to try donor eggs. I'm the kind of person that knowing I had tried my best would help me to make peace with the decision to stop trying.

I was lucky and IVF worked for me but if it hadn't it would have taken time for me to regroup and find a new dream and build a different life than the one I had previously imagined.

Only you can know if you're done. It might be worth having a break for a few months with IVF off the table and then discuss another round after you've had time to relax.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable to have doubts at all OP. TTC is really hard, IVF is really hard, and it’s okay to decide that actually you don’t want to put yourselves through that- physically, mentally, financially.

I have a friend who had this mindset, she had always said they would try naturally until X age, then would try IVF for 2 rounds only- if it hadn’t worked by then she was prepared to accept it wasn’t for them, seek counselling and move on, they had their second unsuccessful cycle at the end of last year and are now done trying and she always says what a relief she felt in that moment. I think for lots of people having that agreed plan of “this is what I’m prepared to do and if that isn’t enough that I’m okay with that” is really helpful mentally. In a way being financially able to afford to continue is both a blessing (if you want to) and a curse because it means that unlike lots of couples who are forced to stop due to affordability, you don’t.

It’s absolutely okay to decide enough is enough x

I tried for 7 years to have a baby. I had lots of losses and we did 5 rounds of ivf. I completely lost myself during those years and ended up having a breakdown last year following a cycle. That was a turning point for me. I started antidepressants and therapy and took a break. We did a final collection and transfer in October last year, which failed. We still have 3 embryos on ice, but we won't be using them. Having had a break and genuinely focusing on myself, which I haven't done in so long, I realised I am OK with living a childfree life. It's been a long process but I'm more at peace with this decision and feel it is the right decision.
It doesn't mean we didn't want a baby hard enough, I nearly killed myself through grief and lost so many years, now is time to look ahead.

There's no right or wrong answer, but I don't regret the decision to stop and live my life x

We've done IVF for the last ten years bar the 2 years robbed due to covid. I can't remember how many full cycles we've done, ten? It is a number game sadly. We were going to either continue life childless, or going down adoption route. We are very happily married like you are. We contacted adoption agency but they told us we couldn't proceed unless we have given up on IVF. I had 3 frozen embryos at the time from my own eggs. All transfers failed.

In the end given I'm in my 40s we decided to stop using my own egg as its been ten long years where life revolved around IVF, and we used donor embryo instead. To my disbelief I am now pregnant. This is after DH told me he'd do whatever I wanted but I should know nothing would work.

Know that you're not alone and be open to other avenues if your heart allows it. Very best of luck.

Don't adopt unless you know you are able to care for a deeply damaged child (and adult). It's a lottery, and though some adoptions are happy and successful, as a member of an extended family with three adopted children in it, I have had a lot of contact with adoptive families and their children, and from my observations, there are more poor outcomes than good ones.

Whatever choice you make, I with you well.

I think you need to feel like you’ve had enough of it. It sounds like you might be reaching that point, but aren’t quite there hence torn.

Have your friends all been having children or might a lot still have some? If they haven’t been having them you might feel more broody when they start to. But if they have been doing it and you’re used to the announcements you know what you’re dealing with already.

Sorry to hear of your situation. Infertility is the pits.

This is a stupid question but I assume you have considered fostering/adoption? I have two friends who have adopted and never looked back. Don’t believe all the horror stories- it can be absolutely wonderful ❤️

I'm guessing you've already ruled it out as you don't mention it as an option but would you consider adoption?

You would love to have a child and there are so many children who would love to have you too.

Ive been there. No one can really know apart from yourselves. Personally, we made the decision to have more attempts and our son was conceived on our 4th attempt. That was to be our last though as we couldnt afford any more and it’s brutal. We decided that we’d try other routes if that didn’t work. I would decide where your line is to be drawn, as having a decision about when to stop may help you know that having treatment wont be forever so you can move in another direction. I truly wish you well.

This. If you don't feel able to put your body through the challenge of IVF, it's ok to stop and look at other options.

They recommend the NHS fund three rounds as that is often the number needed for success so I would do another round first.

Also to add. My DH had to have a surgical sperm extraction and I was producing very few good quality eggs. We literally went through hell each round and it nearly tore us apart. For anyone who doesn’t know the ins and outs of IVF it can literally be soul destroying. We drew a line in the sand and stuck to it. It’s so easy to keep going and going if your finances allow.

I think you need to look at what you know NOW and not what ‘might’ be in the future.

What you know now: that you are happy and have the means to continue in your happy life. That the IVF process and finances make you stressed and unhappy.

Unknown scenario 1: You continue to try IVF, but are not successively, deplete your savings and the stress damages your relationship and/or means to continue living happily.

Unknown scenario 2: You stop IVF, feel unfulfilled in the future and will assume that a child would have remedied that.

Unknown scenario 3: You continue IVF, have a child – find it was worth it or not worth it.