To be wobbly about the relationship with grown dd?

When I married and moved far away and then returned home to visit my parents, I fit everything into their schedule - because I was interrupting their lives.
My dad was very much a stick-in-the-mud and never traveled - so they never visited us. I cringe to think how awkward that would’ve been for him. Mum would’ve loved it, though.
What I’d like to know is, what adult child expects their parents to drop everything and rearrange their own schedules and lives merely because that child is coming home for a visit?
As if.

This is what happened in my family - Mum was too scared of upsetting my sister to ever stand up to her and expected me just to put up with being treated like third class. I’ve not seen my mother for 18 months and am not bothered about it. She wouldn’t stand up for me and made me feel completely unloved so why would I bother with her?

Oh my. This is a well timed thread as we have to spend the weekend with our DD who sounds exactly the same. We are exhausted even thinking about it. 😞

It seems really odd and childish that she wants to spend so much time with just you. Doesn't she have her own friends/life going on?

Consistency. Punish the bad behaviour, reward the good behaviour. That second part is important else they're going to feel rejected. Strong boundaries. Never give them an inch because they'll take a mile.

Think before you answer, "I'll get back to you about that" is an acceptable answer to buy you some time. If they need an instant answer and you're not sure, then it's a no.

You can always change your mind later and say yes, whereas cancelling after you've said yes isn't always an option. Don't do this in the early days of establishing your boundaries though, it's too confusing for the person who's learning, keep things crystal clear to start with. Regardless, never at any time back down in the face of pressure, for the sake of an easy life, if you've said no. Any sign of pressure and you revert to "piss off".

So "piss off etc" every single time they try that shit. Then when they're behaving like a reasonable person and giving you some space, invite them to spend time with you. Or accept their polite invitation if it's been a reasonable timescale since they've last asked.

Manage their expectations to avoid disappointment.

Eg "would you like to come for Sunday dinner 12.30-3pm? We'll aim to serve the food at 1pm and we're going to spend the late afternoon with friends/pottering in the garden/having rampant sex etc, we'd love to have you there for dinner though.

Eg "would you like to come on holiday with us for a week? We'll be spending mornings by the pool, afternoons on the beach and evenings in the bar. We thought it would be nice to go on a couple of day trips whilst there if you'd be up for that? I'm sure there's plenty in the local area to do solo if you get bored hanging around with us".

You can negotiate details if you want to, they might have some good ideas. If you don't like their ideas or you've already compromised by inviting them in the first place when you'd much rather go alone, then just say no to anything more than you've offered.

If they're misguided or socially inept but capable of learning, it should work.

If they're an arsehole they'll just increase the control freakery further to attempt to cow you down, arguements will escalate, they'll be convinced you're the problem (how dare you attempt to change and not take their shit any more!) and the relationship will break down completely. But at least you'll now both know you don't like each other and you won't be having to put up with their behaviour.

@Eeehbaheck That family sounds lovely but it doesn’t mean that you were/are rubbish in comparison. Every family is different.

Does she acknowledge that some people have truly tough, unstable upbringings? At 26, she should be aware that she’s v. lucky just to have healthy, loving parents. Both of my children (20 and 16) have friends who’ve already lost a parent, which must be awful. I lost my Mum in my mid-20’s so personally I feel that if I can make it until my two are in their 30’s, that’ll be a bonus :-).

Sorry if I sound unsympathetic, I just think that perhaps she needs a dose of reality.

@Dogaredabomb I can’t really advise tbh. For me, I just know that we’ve done a reasonable job of parenting (far from perfect of course, but definitely not crappy either) and if it’s not good enough for my adult children, perhaps they’d like to look at the world around them? Of course some parents are better in some ways, but others are far worse.

That’s what Dd (20) has said, esp. since going to uni. Some of her friends have had far tougher upbringings and she realizes that hers was loving and stable.

Perhaps I’m a bit hard because my upbringing was less stable - parents with physical and mental problems, which led to financial problems so I know how much better my children have had it!

I hear you but how do you 'stop trying' when an adult child like this is clearly so disappointed and (I think) feels unloved/less loved? I've tried everything, talking, explaining, refusing, obeying 🤷🏼‍♂️ saying 'piss off stop controlling me this is my life not yours'.

@Eeehbaheck Honestly, I’d stop trying so hard. She’s 26, she has her own life and if she can’t accept you and your DH for the kind, supportive parents whom you are (but not nonstop entertainment for her :-), that’s her decision.

Has she spent much time with other families or heard about other parents from her friends? My DD has said that learning about other families’ dynamics has made her appreciate us more!

My thing is that I feel that i can never ‘ get it right’ no matter what I do .
or if i feel I have - i am about not to !

This is normal when you're dealing with a controlling person. Every person on the receiving end of the control feels this way.

My son is like this and also I have a chilled out younger son. Tbh he's exhausting. He's never satisfied, wants 100% entertainment and attention and nothing satisfies his need for control and stimulation. He has adhd and pda asd and (consequently obviously) no friends. I'm his only 'friend' and I'm exhausted with it. There's never any learning and movement away from the behaviour no matter how many times I explain, adjust blah blah blah.

She's really too old to be acting like a self-centrered teenager now.

Your DD sounds like someone who has to be the center of attention. Did she get her own way a lot when she was a child? Do you think she was spoilt? I have friends whose young adult children behave like this and it is often because they aren't getting the level of attention now that they did as children. Alternatively, she is going through that phase when young people are trying things for the first time and think they know best and look down on their parents. They become judgmental and demanding. Either way, I wouldn't put up with this. She sounds very hard work and very self centered. Good luck sorting this one out!

My DD (20) is at uni far away and last came back for a visit in May as she’s staying there over the summer. I do pamper her when she’s home and we do a few nice things together, but we’re not her on tap entertainment! She has a couple of friends here whom she sees when she’s back (also at uni but they try to coordinate visits) but she’s realized that her life isn’t based here anymore so it’s going to be quiet.

As long as you do a few things together, that’s fine. Don’t play games every single evening if you don’t want to, your DD’s not the boss in your house!

What happens when both ds and dd are home together - is dd still allowed to rule the roost?

I think I have one of these daughters, currently 20, dipping in and out from uni.
With the length and number that uni holidays are I just don't want to be going for brunches, dog walks with lunch.
I need to tackle this too.
She is very jealous, needlessly, of younger easier going sibling.
Competitive with our stories of the past which are rarely told, and heavily balanced out with the poor times.
I think she is insecure, bored, lacking in strong friend bonds and desperate for a boyfriend.
I love her so much but I don't want to be her best friend. I want an extra pair of grown up hands helping not to be running a summer holiday play scheme.