Friend pressuring me to have a baby

If they were genuinely concerned your decision is in order to keep your DH happy and they believe that’s against your true wishes that would be one thing.

If purely projecting their delight of having children onto you that’s totally different.

Either way if they got you to change your mind it could well be at the expense of your relationship.

Thats for you to decide without any pressure from them.

Would you say you're a people pleaser OP? Sounds like you're overly influenced by the opinions of others, both DH and your friends. Try to separate out their opinions and think about your feelings on the matter. Imagine you are 50 and childless - how do you feel looking back on it? Imagine you are 60 and have adult kids - how do you feel about it? What do you enjoy about your life now, and how would that change for better or for worse with a child in the picture?

Well, her DH is hardly likely to be a good male role model to an unwanted child.

Tell her, and them all, to fuck off. There's absolutely no need to justify your choices to anyone it's your life. I do recommend making some new childfree friends though, OP. It'll save your sanity.

There are no “valid reasons” to have or not to have kids. You either want them or you don’t. A lot of people know they will struggle financially but still can’t imagine life without then.

@Inthedark1

"I'm just really put off that I would have a child who also never had a good male role model"

Now, that is very interesting!

eta; It does sound then, you are actually swithering?

Are your friends actually more perceptive than you give them credit for or could they just not like your husband? 🤷‍♂️

It baffles me when people quiz the childfree about this in a way they'd never quiz parents.

I've always thought that, logically, the decision to have kids is the one that would be expected to have thought/reasons/'justification' (though not to other people, obviously!) behind it.

That's the big, life-changing step. Not having them is the default starting position.

Tell your fried to butt out.

Them criticising your decision is bad enough but to say they’ll “pick this up with you” like you’re on a disciplinary is so awful it’s laughable.

I’ve long since said there’s generally three reasons why people criticise the voluntarily child-free: 1) they love parenthood so much they think you’re mad to miss out, 2) they think it’s just what you do and have never considered any other option or 3) they don’t enjoy parenthood/didn’t want kids but did it anyway, and don’t like seeing you have the life they quietly wish they still had. If they didn’t dodge the bullet why should you?

And absolutely none of those points is an acceptable reason for them not to keep their opinions and lack of respect to themselves.

@crumblingschools

"If your DH doesn't want kids then it doesn't really matter whether you do if you are going to stay together, as the one who doesn't want them should trump the one who does"

Wow! that shocked me.

I would say that your decision to not have children has no bearing on the idea that you would or wouldn't be a good parent. Making the decision not to have kids when you know it isn't the right thing already makes you a good parent in a way because you know regret from having them may have a negative impact of children you may have.

I wonder if your friends are perhaps a bit jealous of your lifestyle. Not all the time don't get me wrong, I'm not saying they regret having kids. But I think sometimes if we have friends or family members who's life seems much simpler we can yearn for it when things are difficult. This can translate into subconsciously encouraging you to become one of them. I've seen others talk about it online too.

The other thing which is probably a bigger part is fear on your behalf of missing out on something. I would say next time the conversation comes up you thank them for concern, say that you don't worry about being a good parent, rather you and your partner have made a decision on what's best for you and it's not a topic you'd like to revisit or delve into. If they're really good friends I'd even say it's hurtful the way they approach it and ask them not to do so again.

You and your DH are the ONLY ones who need to decide on whether to be childfree or not. This person is not a friend, but very rude and judgemental to text you are all that. Text her there is no further discussion on this topic, you are not talking about it again and it is end of topic. I think some people either regret it or want others to have kids to just go through parenthood then would expect you to do playdates, look after their child a lot. I am childfree for various reasons and had 1 person, who is my cousin's wife, ask why. She has 4 kids by 3 men though. It was none of her business like it was not mine she has 3 fathers to her brood. Honestly, your friend is not much of a friend to speak to you this way and don't let her pressure you and that is a terrible idea of hers! Just cut her off about it in a text and cut her off if she tries to say anything again.

@Inthedark1 it sounds like in a perverse kind of way they’re just trying to validate their own choices to be parents as that’s very odd - especially with the follow up messages.

I was prepared to tell you that your friends need to mind their own business. However, it sounds like they might think that you’re mindlessly following the choices of your DH and making silly excuses to justify the decision. They sound worried more than interfering. If you’re absolutely sure you don’t want children and have not been influenced by your DH, then just be firm that there’s no further discussion needed.

Nailed it!

Your friend has no right to follow up with a text to ‘discuss it’. Maybe you should respond that you’ll only discuss your reasons for NOT having kids if the second topic on the agenda is her reasons for HAVING kids. Make her feel really uncomfortable 😂

Your friends are nosy interfering buggers. They have no idea that people want different things in life, which don't revolve around kids , how sad to be that blinkered.

The one who texted about talking about it next week is nosy and overstepping and should be firmly told to mind her own business and concentrate on her own life, which is lacking as she is so interested in yours.

They're all out of line. The one who is trying to follow up by text the friend's insistence that you have children is so far out of her lane that she's in a whole other country. The one who told you to have a baby whether your husband wants one or not, she's toxic. I would block, this is not healthy.

They're looking at using your life to validate their life choices. They're not supportive of you making different choices. They want everyone in lockstep and your "friendships" won't survive you deciding differently.

I don’t think it’s true to say that people who want kids would never accept any reason as valid not to have them?

Everybody is different. If you’re a mature person you ought to know that people want different things. It’s possible your friends remember a time that you wanted them and your DH didn’t, and they’re concerned that you’ve been sort of pushed into letting that dream go. I know someone this has happened to.

Only you know whether that is genuinely the case for you. If it isn’t, and you truly have changed your mind based on your own reasons then those reasons (whatever they are!) are valid. Even just “I’d rather not,” is fine. However, your statement that their questioning always makes you doubt your own mind is quite concerning.

If you are this easily influenced by the odd conversation with your friends, are you sure you haven’t been influenced by your DH? Try to really feel your own feelings. If your DH died or left you and you met someone else who wanted kids, how would you feel? Is it you that doesn’t want them, or is it you in this relationship that doesn’t see it as worth the fight? Obviously there is no convincing your DH, and you should absolutely not follow your friend’s advice to trap him into fathering your child, but if you really want kids and you are only agreeing with your DH for an easier life then that would be quite a shame and could lead to resentment later on if you realised it was too late and decided to blame him for your choice to stay.

It’s worth looking honestly at yourself anyway. And I have friends who never had kids who are completely happy with that decision - this is not at all a post to say “go, on have them,” lol.

Only you know how you really feel about not having children.
If you are second guessing yourself, you need to question whether it’s because you aren’t being honest with yourself about it.
If you are being honest with yourself, then it really is none of your friends’ business, and you should tell them to back off.

Your reasons are a little unusual though. Lots of women go through similar trauma but still happily become mothers themselves, determined to do better for their own kids.

Tell your “friend” to back off. She is badly overstepping.

“OMG are you serious? You actually think it’s ok to insist on us having a conversation for your own benefit about the most personal decision a person can make?! You have massively overstepped boundaries here, you are making yourself look unhinged and batshit expecting everyone to live their lives in the way you dictate”

That is the message I would be sorely tempted to send!

I would probably actually say “ Please respect my privacy and my right to decide personal matters for myself “

I honestly don’t want my friends to have children. I have a friend with kids and it’s completely changed our relationship, so I don’t want to lose any other friends to kids.

but I would never talk to them and say “you shouldn’t have kids” and spend all day telling him the downsides to having children.

each to their own.

If you don't want to have kids, you don't want to have kids. Don't let others tell you what do you want.

Any reason to not have kids is a valid one. You have to understand that a lot of people are NPCs who just do what they see others doing, so when someone makes different choices, they start questioning their own. Ignore it