Friend pressuring me to have a baby

I share your concerns. Also, I worry about my hypothetical child not having much family, as me and my partner are both only children. It's so difficult not knowing what to do for the best.

I also worry about the financial future - do I really want to inflict life on a poor soul who might have to work into their 70s.

I wonder @Inthedark1 if it's because your of your age, a lot of women who want DC start to worry about fertility declining in their 30s so your friend thinks it's now or never. Either way it's not her job to nag you about this so I'd decline the second talk unless you're having doubts of your own rather than the ones she's trying to push on you

Haven’t RTFT so someone else has probably said this already, but if anyone were to ever say to me that I’d regret not having children, I would tell them that I’d rather regret not having them, than regret having them.

I always wanted at least 2; married later in life and struggled with infertility. I have embryos left (IVF) and recently wondered if it's for the best we don't have children for a number of reasons:

• the world we live in today (trans/non-binary rubbish)
• the growing cases of SEN children
• the behaviours and dress sense of young teenagers (and schools/parents who can't exerise control over this)
• the influence of social media on young minds

Obviously, these are my personal reasons. Feel free to steal them to argue your case!

Your friend is very rude. It is none of her business.

Without knowing all the details, your friends may partly be wanting to say you from any regrets, but they have totally gone too far.

If you are genuinely I doubt, have you tried asking yourself how you’d feel if in ten years or so your DH has left or (apologies for this hypothetical) died, and you are facing a future without him? Could you imagine as you go through rest of your life feeling regret?

I think most women who want to have kids, know they want that. Most who look at a child free future and feel fine with it, are fine with it. I am sure some cases are more nuanced though.

One other possibility….could it be your friends really feel your DH is not a good man and are trying to use this issue to encourage you to leave?

Is this something you’d feel comfortable exploring through therapy - because you are struggling to separate what you want from what your DH would prefer and what your friend thinks, that’s a lot of noise and a therapist may be able to help you find and listen to your own voice on this. Failing that I would try to get some space like a quiet weekend; spend time on your own, no whatsapp chats with pals and tune into your own feelings about it. I think your friends sound concerned rather than putting you under pressure and would aim to get to a point where you feel sure enough of your decision that it doesn’t bother you if people try to persuade you either way if you know what I mean?

"Thanks for your concern about my bodily autonomy, but I'm more than capable of making my own decision that I don't wish to grow a small human."

I genuinely don’t understand how it’s possible to be a people pleaser to the extent you’re describing here.

I hate to be that commenter, but…therapy? Have you ever considered it? It might be helpful.

You are under no obligation to explain your decision to your friends and they are totally out of order even asking. If they are unable to accept your decision and want to discuss it further then frankly they are not your friends. Please don’t let their crass behaviour make you question yourself and your joint decision with your DH. - pressure from friends is an unreasonable reason to change your mind over having children. I’d be telling the “friend” who followed up that she has severely overstepped boundaries and you will not be discussing your decision with her or any of your other friends. Your decision to not have children is just as valid as theirs to have children and they are totally out of order in not respecting it.

A friend of mine told me when we were teenagers she never wanted kids. That was the only conversation we had about it because it's none of my business whether anyone has kids or not.

I have other friends that don't have kids. I don't know why they don't have kids (choice or not)because it's none of my business.

Just like it's none of your friends business. You've said you don't want them. That should be the end of the conversation.

I would respond by saying: 'I'm sorry but the contents of my uterus couldn't be less of your business!'

Honestly, people like this royally piss me off. I remember being interrogated at a party once - for a good 30 minutes - about why I didn't want kids. Left said party feeling like total shit; like I was some sort of freak for choosing to make a different decision to those questioning me.
This was about 10 years ago in my mid-30s. Wish I had the chutzpah then that I have now in my 40s - I'd be telling them to fuck off!

You do sound unsure but surely the choice was made when you married someone who didn't want kids?

It’s not the reason, but an ambition when they choose to have them.

And I have no investment in other people having kids or not. Totally their choice.

@Inthedark1 How old are you?

If you’re unsure you could explore your reasons with a counsellor but I’d caveat it with a question of what would you do if you concluded you’d quite like children? If the answer is you’d stick with your prior agreement and just be sad about it what’s the point?

My best friend would have quite liked children, her DH was consistent from the start that he didn’t and they agreed they wouldn’t have children. What I’ve never done in 40 years is tell my friend she’d make a great mother, or suggest she leave her DH over it or trick him or in anyway make her feel conflicted about her decision. I’ve respected that she thought it through and made her decision.

I always desperately wanted children, for me a potential DH not wanting children was a deal breaker, she’s always respected that I’d thought that through and made my decision.

What’s missing here from your friend is respect that you have come to a different conclusion about what makes your life fulfilled. I’d find different friends, they don’t have to be childless, they do need to accept not everyone needs to have children to be fulfilled.

Reading all this, my impression is that you are not sure anymore if you don’t want kids.
Is it a decision not to have kids 100 % yours? Ok your husband is against it, what about you? If you doubt and it’s at the back of your mind, maybe you are not so sure anymore if you don’t want them?

If these are close friends you have known most of your life I’d be inclined to think something else is going in order for them to be so pushy and adamant with you.
How well do they know and get along with your DH? Whats your relationship like with him?
The only reason I would ever feel the need to be quite pushy with this like your friends is if ai felt something else was at play and influencing my friend’s decision (assuming I knew in my heart it seemed out of character)

if its any help to you @Inthedark1 , I could have written that myself 30 years ago

Yeah "friends" all tried to convince me but I had been adamant since I was a teen, I was never having children and spent my fertile years doing my utmost to ensure I didn't

The only time I wavered, was when I was offered a hysterectomy in my early 30's. For years I had been begging for one, then finally my gynaecologist finally said Mirena or Hysterectomy - I chose mirena . I was scared then that I might have a change of mind and then I wouldn't be able to. I kept a mirena in until my 60th - just to make doubly sure :)

Some women know from an early age that motherhood is never going to be for them, and there's a lot of women ( and men ) who think ALL women want a child and cant comprehend. And I think there was a bit of that in me - how can I not want children?

Find better friends. I've found personally that most people don't care whether you have children or not. Only a few people know why I don't have children.

Someone else weirdly overinvested in other people having kids. And I’m not sure that “to show I can be a better parent than my parents were” is a brilliant reason for having them.