Friend pressuring me to have a baby

Tell your friends to piss clean off. I had 6 rounds of IVF to get my son. He was everything that we wanted. We had so much support from our families whilst we were trying. My sister on the other hand (now 47) and her husband didn’t ever want children and they have received the same support in return.

Ime people who do this are simply looking for you to validate their life choices no matter how hard things may be for them. If "everyone" is doing it then them doing it is normal and accepted and right. You not doing it suggests that their decision might be wrong and they dont like that.

Its has nothing at all to do with you, but everything to do with them.

Any self-respecting unsavoury demonic entity would promptly hand my 13 year old back.

Probably saying ‘I only accept human sacrifices if they don’t stink of Lynx Africa and are less gobby.’

Nobody who genuinely loves and values you would try to bounce you into a decision against your better judgement, let alone one as important as parenthood. Or non-parenthood for that matter - it's also a decision in its own right with negative and positive implications for your future.

I'm 60-something and childfree by choice. In my late 20s/early 30s, I realised something very important. I loved babies and thought I could be a capable and loving mother...to a baby. But I recoiled from the idea of parenting a child once they approached the life-stages where I remembered myself at my worst; from 9 or so till I was well into my teens, I was a miserable little introvert, prey to bullying, early puberty and so much self-hatred I could hardly look in the mirror. Why would I bring someone else into the world to go through that?

So I didn't and I have no regrets. My DH would have been a lovely Dad, but he remembers much of his childhood without a lot of pleasure and says he only really wanted me, whatever the terms. Once you decide children aren't for you, your options as to what you'll do instead begin to open up, if they haven't already. Wishing you the very best.

Have you actually said that YOU don't want children or do you phrase it like "I'm not too sure but with Leon never wanting them anyway, it's a moot point, isn't it?" -Sad pause.- Because, telling me you don't want children would be the end of the conversation but telling me that you are kind of thinking about it but can't talk to Leon because he won't discuss it anyway, I will absolutely talk to you about it, esp if I think Leon is a manipulative wanker at the best of times. Out of interest, how often do you do things or not do things because DH is being decisive about them? I'm not talking coercive control but more subtle take overs in life? Your sentence about not quite knowing your wants from your DH's wants is making me wonder.

yup this is me. No kids (and it was circumstance not choice) but kids seem to be okay with me. Don't EVER tell the parents but its because I treat them like puppies, stay calm and relaxed, let them make the first move, totally ignore the shy ones, either they will come to me or they won't. I never minded that we never had kids. Looking back i would deffo not have been a great mum.

You don't have to justify yourself or your life choices to anyone.
If the pressure continues just tell them you 'can't' have children, how they interpret that is up to them, however, quite why a group of friends would behave in this way is beyond me.

Your friend wants to wreck your marriage and see you with a screaming toddler, same as her. It's jealousy or low IQ and narrow horizons - or probably all three.

and again we need the laugh emoji

but but the OP shouldn't have to argue her case "STFU about my choices" is all the case she needs to make.

I recently saw a video of a person who tells people they promised their firstborn to any number of unsavory demonic entities as the reason and that usually gets people to quit asking questions.

I’m sixty something and I tell you now it’s fine to not want children because…you don’t want to. You don’t have to give reasons and whatever they are, your friends should respect them. My son got married last year and I’ve had a couple of comments about grandchildren from colleagues but I wouldn’t dream of asking their plans regarding children or commenting at all. If they tell me their plans, that’s great but if they want privacy then that’s great too. Your friends should respect that. It’s one thing to tell someone they’d be a great mother-nice compliment-but quite another to follow that up by dismissing your desire to not have them.

Some people with children think that they are better than people who don't have kids. They say things like 'I didn't know what true love was until I had a baby' and 'people who don't want children are so selfish'.They want their choices to be validated so will pressurise friends who decide that they don't want kids. They are OK with people who want kids and can't have them. They can feel sorry for them because they want what these mums have and they can be patronisingly kind.

Thing is, this is probably why they're doing it. To some stupid people, the mere existence of someone happily living their best 'alternative' life, can be interpreted as a criticism of their own choices. More likely to happen if they're unhappy with motherhood themselves, deep down.

(putting 'alternative' in quote marks as it's obviously an absolutely reasonable choice to remain child free)

Imagine if you turned this conversation around and told your friend that she made a mistake having children, that she's really not cut out to be a mother!

I would speak to someone impartial. Maybe some therapy. And talk about your reasons. Kids are definitely not for everyone .
But I would also be aware that if your dh changes his mind in the future he can have kids with someone younger. But you only have a small amount of time to decide.

You don't need any reasons, you just need to do what you want to do, and you definitely don't need to justify your decisions to your friends!

You don’t have to explain anything to anyone
it is yours and your husband’s decision which you both totally agree with
my DD has 2 boys
my DS loves them but does not want any of his own . It’s their decision and I respect it
your ‘friend’ can bugger off

Having kids is hard, and a lot of it is a bit shit. Cooking, cleaning, washing, life admin, discussions about minecraft, school lunches, kids parties, soft play, more discussions about minecraft - none of that is enjoyable.

Im someone who always wanted kids and although the day-to-day drudge of looking after kids is a bit shit, having them has filled a deep need in me and I feel overall more satisfied and content.

Which is a long winded way of saying that if you don’t want them, don’t have them!

She's amazing because they're not her daily routine and she can give them back.

People often say I'm good with young children, patient. Yes, friends children when they visit. I'd rather walk on hot coal than have a young child in the home again.

Those days were tough.

Relating well to children and raising them is very different.

Your friend is rude.
I've had similar thoughts about a child free friend - she is amazing with kids and I don't really understand why she doesn't want them, but I would NEVER say that to her.

There are really good reasons to have children...
and really good reasons not to.

You don't want children now.
Looking ahead into a future without children - how does that seem to you?

In the end your decision is not really about reason - but about how you (and your DH) feel. No-one can do that part for you. You don't owe anyone an explanation.

Your reasons are a little unusual though.

OP's reasons are her reasons and not for you, her friend or anyone else to judge.

• the growing cases of SEN children

I say this as someone who was happily childfree till 40, with a partner who was equally committed to not having children, OP, so don’t think I’m coming out with the frankly insulting ‘not having children is weird/selfish’, ‘you’ll be lonely when you’re old’ stuff I got from parents from time to time. (Though never from actual friends.)

But what strikes me in your posts is that these are not dimwitted randoms at all party, but friends who presumably know and love you, AND, more importantly, that you say that these conversations have often made you doubt your decision, AND that you acknowledge yourself that you would be open to children in another relationship. Other people’s opinions never made me doubt my position.

I’m not saying there’s anything you necessarily need to do here, as, as pps have said, you won’t be having children anyway, in this relationship, as your DH doesn’t want them. Just maybe think about whether this decision is absolutely your own decision that you’re happy with.

If that is the case, own it, and tell your friends to kindly fuck off.

We don’t know these people, OP. Only you can tell whether these are nosy, interfering comments from the school of ‘Only selfish weirdos don’t have children by choice’ or whether these are concerned, perceptive friends who see that you’re not in fact certain this is what you want and are being a bit tactless and boundary-disrespecting in their way of approaching it.

Ultimately, you know you own mind best. Obviously.

Also, as a longtime childfree person with a longtime childfree partner, who eventually had a child together (now a teenager), the decision to ttc was very much a joint one, and while we’re delighted to have had our DS, I’m certain we would have had an equally, differently happy life had we not had him.