Friend pressuring me to have a baby

They are not your friends.

Your mistake was going into those kind of intimate details. It's no one's business.

I have a child. My two best friends don't want children. One is quite confident in her decision, I think it's great and I have never suggested she should have them.

My other friend is very clearly just pleasing her husband. And it's very very frustrating to watch her piss away her only chance at children for the sake of a middle aged man who can dump her in 10 years time to have kids with someone else.

If you are the latter, maybe your friends are trying to talk some sense into you. Although I don't agree with it, I personally would not say anything.

OP, I completely get where you’re coming from. There’s so much pressure out there to have kids, like it’s just what everyone’s supposed to do. But life isn’t that simple, is it? You’ve been through a lot—growing up with money being tight, not really having a dad around, and dealing with some tough stuff that no one should have to go through. Of course that’s going to shape how you feel about having kids. It’s not about being negative or making excuses, it’s just being real about your own life and what you want.

To be honest, one of the lads at football is in the same boat. He and his wife decided ages ago that kids weren’t for them. He used to get the odd comment—stuff like, “You’ll change your mind,” or, “You don’t know what you’re missing.” But he never made a big thing of it, just shrugged it off and said, “It’s not for us.” Now, no one cares. He’s still out with us every week, still gets invited to everything, and you can tell he’s happy. It’s just not a big deal anymore.

If your mates bring it up again, you don’t have to go into all the details if you don’t want to. You could just say, “Look, I know you all mean well, but I’ve thought about this a lot and I’m happy with how things are. I’d appreciate it if we could just leave it at that.” If they keep pushing, it’s perfectly fine to say, “Honestly, can we just drop it? I’m good with my decision.”

At the end of the day, you don’t owe anyone an explanation. There’s no rulebook for life—what matters is that you and your partner are happy. People might not get it straight away, but they usually come round. Just stick to what feels right for you.

I think you are just saying what a lot of mothers feel and are perhaps too scared to say for the wrath.

I don’t have children but it seems like a bloody tough job.

Just because everyone else is doing it, doesn't mean it's the right / correct thing to do. Whatever YOU want to do is the right thing to do.

Shift your view and look out for those who don't have kids, there are more than you think.

Nobody should feel obliged to have children unless you truly want them and you feel a deep need to have them. I have a daughter who I love dearly, but I never felt a burning need to be a mother. I am quite sure that if my husband hadnt brought up the idea of trying for a baby we wouldnt have had a child and I would be quite content with a dog.

I think you are saying the truth that alot of woman feel

My mother pressures me to have kids - she barely looked after us as children (abuse, poverty. Men coming to the house was a merry go round when we were at primarh school) so not sure why she wants a grandchild. I think its just for instagram and to tell her gossipy little ‘friends’ at work.

My sister elected to have a C section and she told her she was disappointed in her having a baby that way. The judgements about how we live out lives as woman really never ends.

I have waited until I have been in a position that is completely opposite to that to try to conceive a child, looks like it may not happen naturally which is something I have to get on with.

Vulnerable post here.
I had kids because it was what everyone around me was doing and it seemed like I 'had' to, and a lot of people were asking when I was going to start a family etc. I never had a strong desire to be a mother.

I love my children, I don't regret them, but I do regret everything I have given up for them. If I could go back 20 years and choose to be child free, I would. I love them and care for them, but being a mother is not the life I wanted, I didn't see it clearly at the time though. Now it is too late, I have them and find myself itching for them to leave home so I can get on with MY life instead of theirs.

It is very hard to explain and I am sure I will bring the wrath of MN fully down on me for this.

Point is, don't be pressured into having children by anyone who isn't going to be responsible for raising them. It is bloody hard work and isn't for everyone.

This is a discussion forum. Wind your neck in.

Lots of responses on here getting defensive on your behalf.

They may be right but before you jump down that road, ask yourself are your friends good friends, do you think they're coming from a good place?

The responses on here are absolutely right that a baby is your choice and you don't have to defend or explain yourself. But the reasons you've given for not wanting a child are trauma-based, and because your DH doesn't want them. Maybe your friends are concerned that you might want a baby deep down and you are facing barriers to having children rather than not wanting them. Perhaps they just want to make sure you're putting your needs first and are ok.

Of course, you have every right to close this down and say you appreciate their concern but you're happy with your decision. There are lots of benefits to not having kids too, just make sure you're happy for yourself in that decision and perhaps look to process and deal with your past trauma.

I would just tell them I don't want to discuss my reasons for not wanting kids and change the subject. You don't need to share details of your past trauma with friends unless it's something you want to do, they shouldn't be pressuring you.

A valid enough reason for not wanting kids, is simply you don't want them. They're probably right that you would be a good mother, but you don't have to be unless it's something you want to do.

If you are having doubts about your decision, you may be better speaking with a counsellor to gain a more balanced perspective, as it sounds like your friends are all very pro children, so any conversation is always going to be lead in that direction.

Love this response!

I was never sure my DH didn’t really want more as he has a son already and was worried how it would affect him, but would have capitulated had it been important to me.

I’ve chosen not to have children. I love my step son, but it grants me the freedom to see that raising kids in the world today is bloody hard work and that many a person has them because they want them/feel they should have them without fully understanding the commitment, dedication and sacrifice required to actually raise them, particularly in today’s world.

They have clearly all been talking about this behind your back OP in a seperate whatsapp group under the guise of concern - waiting to pounce with a drink in them.

IMO if people do not have children there are two reasons

1. they cannot biologically have them
2. they do not want them neither of which deserve an explanation and neither of which are any of my business

I made a consious decision in my 20s to never ask a woman why they do not have children - going through my own fertility journey I actually quite enjoyed the jaw drop when asked ‘why I did not have kids’ - I responded I had a miscarriage yesterday. The jaw drop

I think they project their own assumptions that everyone wants kids like them, its not true. And its none of their business. Love the idea of the follow up chat from them to formalise the convo.

In all honesty I have been in friend groups like this and forever thankful I ghosted them 😀

You don’t need I reason to not want kids . It is hard to tell if your friends are genuinely concerned that you have made the right discussion for you . Or if they think you are trying to keep your husband happy . Or if they are just being mean and judging you because you don’t want kids . Only you can judge that .

Do you need valid reasons? Do people need to agree with your reasons? All no. If your friends can’t support your decision then they’re not your friends.

Parenting is hard, you have money, freedom and sleep. They want you to validate their life choices by going along with them.
Don’t

Well no, but there are a lot of stories on about women not having kids in order to stay in a relationship because their male partner does not want them. I can see how her friends might think this is what has happened for OP, and if I thought this was happening for a friend, I would want to give her a chance to talk about it.

I'm 41, have been with DH for 20 years and we've never wanted kids.

We've pretty much been left alone on that issue, mainly because we don't give it air time.

We've only been given shit by one friend, who went on and on and on at us about how we must have kids. She once "promised" my very broody MIL that I'd have kids by the age of 34 (some arbitrary figure she came up with). MIL relayed this information to me and I was fucking FUMING!

Well, she got divorced when her child was only a year old, so she was very much projecting at that time and didnt have a happy home life or positive experience of motherhood (and certainly not one Id want to emulate)!! Now many years later (the child is 14), and she's bumbled along since, with her life never quite looking how she hoped it would.
Meanwhile, DH and I are still together, 2 decades on, and love our life.

Stick to your guns OP!

The decision to have, or not have, children rests solely with you and your DH and any reasons you have are valid. It has nothing whatsoever to do with any "friend". I chose not to have children and not one person, family or friend, has ever made any comment to me.

Anyone who carried on like that to me would soon be politely told to mind their own business!

It your decision not to have kid's and your husband feels the same way. I think that you thought about having kids unlike a lot of people. You have your reasons for nothing having kids and your decision is as valid as the woman who wants children.
Why bring a child into the world unless it something you really want to do, you can support them and are willing to accept that it a major change in your life.

I have a friend who always wanted to get married and have a family. Both her and her husband waited to set themselves up financially before trying for a family. She had her kids via IVF. She said the first few months after her 1st child was born was hard going. This was from a woman who wanted kids for years.

To me kids deserve parents who both want them and not parents who will resent them. Don't listen to friends telling you to have a child or get pregnant by accident when you don't want this. I have a feeling that some of your so called friends resent the life you have now when they are stuck at home with babies or toddlers.

It’s none of their business. Your reasons are valid for not wanting them - doesn’t matter what they are.

Can you imagine if the roles were reversed and you were trying to persuade someone not to have them?

just say it’s not up for discussion!

Time to make some friends who also dont want/havent got kids!

Weird friends you have that cannot understand that you don't want to bring children into this world.

None of their fucking business anyway!

You do you OP.

You don't need to be 100% sure of anything - including whether to have/not have kids.
You just need to be certain of the % you can live with.

One of my friend’s once told me she’d been called a selfish bitch for not wanting to have children.
i just don’t understand that mentality at all. I find it far more selfish to bring kids into this world when you don’t actually want them than to make the grown up decision that you don’t want them.

I have a couple of friends who seemed to have had kids because they seemed to be the next designer accessory on the list. Once they had them they realised that actually they interfered with their lifestyle and the kids were basically brought up by their grandparents rather than their parents. I find this far more selfish than deciding that having kids is not for you.