My boyfriend does not want to marry me, what should i do?

It's too complex OP and a lot of pertinent information is missing. How long has he been widowed? How soon after that did you get together? Are you living in what was the marital home? Did he ask you to move in or did you push for it?

He's made it clear as day. Stay if you believe you love each other and can he happy. If you want marriage, he's not your man.

@PeonyPatch

Totally reasonable for @egghampton to consider the future, ofc.

Yes, he does have a responsibility of course he does, BUT he has made it quite clear that he does to want to get married to @egghampton, he is not being disingenuous here nor is he stringing her along.

"I don’t think that wanting security means that someone is a leech" completely agree but in the OP @egghampton states
"if anything did happen i'm worried id get nothing"

Purely, from my own completely personal perspective, it would NEVER even have entered my head worrying what I'd gain financially in such a short relationship!

Just to also address your last comment "it’s notoriously women who earn less in this patriarchal society" Totally, wholeheartedly agree with you. 🙂

Well no.

him and his wife their joint assets would go to their son. So whatever either of them bring to the marriage if one dies, the assets pass to the other, and then to their son.

if he marries o/p, his assets go to her. From then they will pass to whoever she chooses. If she has no will it will default to her next of kin, not his son.

if they divorce, she will take a chunk of his assets. Again, if it was his wife, those assets would contribute to the care of his son.

yes people can write wills, but wills and prenups can be challenged if he leaves a spouse unprovided for. Her challenge is much more likely to be successful if they marry.

the only way to guarantee everything goes to his son and his son gets as much financial support as possible is not to marry.

In his mind she is, was and will always be his wife.

That’s purely a guess on your part.

I think OP should walk but just because he won’t marry OP doesn’t mean he was a loving husband to his wife.

its just he owns the house and pays for everything, i dont really earn that much, and if anything did happen i'm worried id get nothing

That will be why he doesn't want to marry you. He'll want to make sure his son is provided for and that you couldn't take a lot of his money/property/investments in the event of a divorce.

He's said he's not going to marry you and that if that's what you want you should break up. He's been very clear so either you stay with him and accept what he's said or you leave him and find someone else who does want to marry.

I think you need to set aside the marriage question and ask what he sees for the future. Does he see this as forever? Is his reticence to marriage because he doesn’t want to leave any part of his sons inheritance to you when you don’t contribute financially. If something happens to him who gets the son? Do you have a parental role or are you just dads girlfriend. Ultimately though he’s been pretty straight with you and if marriage is what you want then you need to look elsewhere. If financial security is what you want then you need to create it for yourself.

Erm I wouldn't want to marry you either you sound obsessed and what has him owning his house etc got to do with you other than you look like a money grabber

In his mind she is, was and will always be his wife. That might change but it is extremely unlikely either you accept the love and level of commitment he offers or if you can't you should walk.

You have to accept that he is just not into you to want to marry you………keep pushing him and you will lose him. Why are you so invested in marriage anyway? He might see you as wanting to replace his late wife……something you will never do! Put up or shut up!

If his wife was still alive then it would be their home and their child, both with the same end goal that everything was for THEIR kids in the end.

OP has openly said she wants to get married so she gets a chunk of what isn’t hers when they split up.

Get real. OP is living rent free & paying for nothing, she was hardly dragged into moving in 😂

He’s perfectly entitled to not marry again if he doesn’t want to and has told you clearly that’s not what he wants. He’s done nothing wrong as far as I can see. Not everyone wants marriage; it really isn’t where everyone is ‘heading’.
Stay on the basis of what he has told you or leave and pursue a relationship with someone who wants the same as you.

Move on darling. It's hard, but the fact he wont even talk about something that is so important to you is awful.

But he’s not treating her badly. He’s always said he wouldn’t remarry and if that’s a deal breaker for her, they should probably split up.

To be fair it sounds like they have spoken about it, he has said no.

OP he has been married before and has a child to think about. The child is only 12. That is a lot of childhood and expense left and he is his only parent. He may want everything to go to him- including everything he inherited from his mother. Not to you. You are already talking about 'getting nothing' when he dies, even though its his house and he pays for everything. You have nothing. He has a child to think about and. to his credit, he is doing that.

Also what could be possibly wrong with providing for son and his new partner?

If his wife was still alive, wouldn’t this be the same?

Take him at his word - don’t count on him changing his mind. if being married is important to you then you should leave

Are you allowed to talk about feeling financially insecure? Would he agree to leave you something in his will, assuming you stay together long term? But he is probably more concerned to leave his son well provided for.

If he pays for everything, are you working? If not get a job, either way start a personal pension and put in as much as you can, so you don't have to rely on his money in retirement. And put as much of the rest as you can into savings so you have a nest egg if you do break up. Many people don't choose to marry, just make sure you have sorted out your finances if you want to stay with him.

Then he shouldn’t be in a relationship with her and move her in!!!

No, 4 years is not a long time, I agree. I feel sorry for the man and his son, but it was a tragedy that happened. 6 months living together isn’t a long time either, but I also feel like after almost 5 years with someone, it’s reasonable to consider the future.

I also feel like the man has some responsibility to the OP after forming a relationship with them and moving her in. It feels a bit like stringing them along.

@egghampton does have a difficult decision to make unfortunately. I guess you both need to discuss what you want from a relationship as it sounds like for both of you, it’s different things.

I don’t think that wanting security means that someone is a leech. You almost forget about all the other things that a person brings to the table in a relationship, and it’s notoriously women who earn less in this patriarchal society.

What pays for everything, is clear that he doesn’t want to marry her and she’s upset that if he doesn’t get married to her she won’t have any rights over his money? Can’t see what he’s doing wrong)

I'd never remarry if I became single. I won't be having more children and I would not do anything to compromise my children's inheritance.

Nothing wrong with wanting stability and financial security, but very wrong to just assume someone else should provide that for you (at the cost of their child) rather than actually taking responsibility for yourself. OP is being bankrolled by her DP, he’s doing her a massive favour. How ever little she is earning, she should be looking to invest that for her future.

I think he is doing the right thing by not remarrying. His primary financial commitment is to his child. Marriage would complicate that relationship.

you need to move on. You aren’t someone at the same life-stage as your boyfriend. You need someone who wants to get married and be a true life long partner.

Wow, so rude!

You can provide much more than money in a relationship. Perhaps OP contributes support in other ways e.g. emotionally or practically.

Also the father can still leave assets and inheritance to his son. There is also the option of a pre-nup and such. I wouldn’t be so quick to judge the OP, and I don’t think they come across as a leech. There will always be a power dynamic in couples where one earns more money or comes with more resources, there is no getting away from that.

If I had a child, and I wanted to re-marry, I’d ensure that my child is provided for, but I’d also want my partner to be supported as well. That’s what becoming a family is all about. That wouldn’t make my partner a leech. It’s called supporting the people that you love and care about.