My boyfriend does not want to marry me, what should i do?

Well, I would not. Better not to get into that situation. But turning down promotion, which likely will ultimately help your DC by providing more for them and opening opportunities to them, because it might upset them to move schools is ridiculous. Of course one would take the better job because it will open up new paths and opportunities for the children - who will get over moving, honestly.

It would be perfectly reasonable to refuse a promotion if it meant your kids had to move school. As a parent you put your children’s needs first. If they’re confident kids who adapt easily then fine to take the promotion. If they would struggle to adapt, but you’re really struggling to make ends meet and the promotion would solve this then you have to weigh things up and decide which is more important in that moment. If the kids are very fragile and you don’t need the money why the hell would you do that to them?

Also, until your children are independent adults you should put them ahead of your spouse. My DH is my children’s father and we have discussed this sort of thing and both agreed we’d be willing to throw the other one under a bus for the sake of the kids if it came to it. The conversation was started by a couple we knew having their children taken away by social services and the dad leaving the mum, who couldn’t cope with the kids on her own due to being disabled, and going for custody alone in a last desperate effort to not lose his children. I’m also disabled and made it very clear my DH that if we ever found ourselves in that situation (thankfully unlikely) I would fully expect him to ditch me for the sake of our children.

OP isn't coming back anyway.

If the roles were reversed we would be saying don't marry this cocklodger!

If they are good parents then they put the interests of their family and their spouses first. It would be unreasonable, for example, to refuse a job promotion because it meant your DC had to move school.

Good parents put their children’s interests first just because they are their children not because they expect something back in the future .

Re. My post above - too late to edit but I meant inferences not interferences. Thanks predictive text lol Excuse all the typos!

Yes this - and I think if anything it’s a big assumption to suggest she may earn less because she has taken on a caring role.
Surely she would have mentioned that as it’s highly relevant to the situation? And they have been together for 4 years but she only moved in earlier this year - I really doubt she was working less to look after his son while living in separate houses.

And in addition to her 3rd wheel comment and not mentioning a strong bond with the son - again - she only moved in 6 months ago so it’s unlikely she’s a second mother figure.

So we can only go on what Op has told us and make reasonable interferences from the details they shared. They have not been back to reply at all!

Maybe they didn’t get the responses they hoped for, but we can only go on what they’ve posted.

@egghampton are you coming back to the thread?

I’ve had this happen many times and finally worked out that if you go back and find the post you’re replying to and hit quote again it will put the quote back in the post you’re in the middle of typing.

Neither has o/p. She only moved in 6 months ago.

Hard to know. We haven't shared their home for the past four years!

No you won’t get anything - you’re not married. You need to stand on your own two feet.

He’s been clear, he doesn’t want to remarry. It’s your decision to either stay or go.

Why should you get anything that him (and probably his wife) worked towards? You'd be better off leaving the relationship now and working to increase your earning power and find someone that does want to marry you in the future.

I’m astounded that it’s taken 4 years to have this conversation if I’m honest!

Also it is quite destabilising for the child as well for a woman in his Dad’s life to just leave and after they’ve been living together for 6 months. I’m not that impressed with the Dad in this scenario to be honest. Everyone keeps piling on the OP and making these sweeping assumptions which is classic MN. We have very little info.

“For protection”

women are constantly told they need marriage to protect themselves.

fuck that. I can protect myself thanks. Work and financial independence is a better choice imo. Marriages end. Even if you don’t divorce the days of final salary and spousal pensions will end and there will be thousands of women trying to exist on state pensions.

increasingly becoming convinced marriage is an outdated concept. Keeping women down.

Hi OP. If I had a girl friend who had been widowed with a small child who's new partner was repeatedly pushing for marriage whilst living in a house they did not appear to contribute much to the financing of I would see several red flags. In this context being worried that you may not get anything if the DP dies or ends the relationship also raises a red flag.

No real love or affection vibes for the boyfriend either.

It does seem a feature of Mumsnet. Women desperate to get married to men they don't like very much. 🤯

No one should get married unless they want to

What should you do? (1) Listen to what he's repeatedly told you (2) accept that he doesn't want to remarry and (3) become financially independent

No real love or affection vibes for the boyfriend either.

Yeah, I didn’t get any mothering vibes from the original post. No concern for, or affection for, the child expressed at all. It’s one of the reasons it jarred so much. A child in that position needs so much love.

Or maybe he isn’t concerned about her son losing a second mother figure because she isn’t one.
She feels like a third wheel, which makes me think she isn’t really that involved.

Money really isn't the only or even necessarily the most important essential and valuable thing to bring to a relationship

You're quite right, @Stormroses, and as you said there are other aspects which can be just as valuable

Strange, though, that OP made no comment about anything else she contributes, how much she loves her OH or his DS or anything else ... just that he won't marry her and she's worried she'd "get nothing"

Clearly OP's gone (maybe the replies didn't suit if this was real at all?) but overall I'd say that's pretty revealing

His son is his responsibility. Not sure why you'd think he should hand over half his son's inheritance to OP because she does housework and is kind to his son? The son is 12 and doesn't need childcare and I'm not sure why a single parent particularly needs a partner at home doing housework - most of us managed to work AND do our cooking and cleaning - so she's hardly bringing value that he can't provide himself.

Face it, OP is not a good bet to marry.

this was supposed to quote @Stormroses post but it vanished while I was editing

Money really isn't the only or even necessarily the most important essential and valuable thing to bring to a relationship.

That's quite a big assumption. Maybe she is a really stable and loving motherly presence in the child's life, and earns less because she has taken on the role of caring for the family. Maybe her financial value is in the cooking, cleaning, laundering, childcare whose cost is only appreciated when it has to be farmed out to strangers.

I was concerned at his comment that they'd have to split up rather than marry, as it seems as if he has given no thought to the damage it would do to his son to lose a second mother figure at so young an age.

Agreed. Leave OP.