Not wanting grandchildren

That's visiting, not childcare.

You don't have to do any of those things you've raised your children and are not obligated to look after grandchildren it doesnt make you a bad grandparent, I plan to do the same when my youngest are grown by that point I'll of been a parent for 39 years of my life ( oldest is 21 youngest 10 weeks ) I think ill deserve some me time .

I think that's really sad. Everyone I know grandchildren are one of the best parts of their lives. You don't have to do childcare if you don't want to, most people do it because they want to and enjoy it. My parents always ask for my DC to go over.* *

It might never happen, so no point worrying about it until then.

Do remember too that mumsnetters are not representative of normal people, there's a loud contingent of extremely over entititled "progressive" champagne socialists who are basically clueless about the real world who push the mantra that everyone and their granny (literally) is responsible for looking after their children.

In the real world, people mainly sort it out themselves, though some grandparents are indeed put upon and wind up dogsbodies to their own kids and grandkids.

I think of them as the Ednas of the world, as I knew one (just one) gran called Edna that this happened to when my kids went though school. Her ungrateful, selfish daughters turned her into their kids' carer during school time, and she had her senior years stolen from her by them. Last time I saw her it had been going on for 10 years and she was in her 70s and looked exhausted.

But a few well placed comments and having decent boundaries will stop any of that nonsense if it comes up, it's not actually a normal expectation that grandparents regularly babysit, only on this site.

@StrikeForever and @BatchCookBabe i don’t think anyone is saying women have to be desperate to enjoy being grandparents or have to enjoy child care people are just saying that if that is the attitude to adjust the relationship the children and grandchildren will feel accordingly. i had two very different types of grandmothers one got a call still once a month even when she had developed dementia and i would talk to her on the phone, the other gets 2-4 phone calls a year. not bitterness i just don’t feel much of a connection with her. perfectly pleasant and polite when i see her in person. i just feel i don’t really know her and know she does not care about me or know me so i don’t make the effort.

Exactly this. Of course, no-one gives a shit if men don't want grandchildren. And also any caring duties and babysitting/childminding of grandchildren will be done largely by the grandmother, never the grandfather. Maybe the two of them together sometimes, and her alone sometimes, (probably more often,) but never just him.

Maybe it's semantics which is lost on a dyslexic person like me. But I don't see how it's my business to want or not want grandkids? Look after them is different to not wanting them. The having them exist is none of my business to choose.

I had four kids so I fulfilled my own need for babies and kids I don't feel any urge to live that via my kids. I don't feel stigmatised saying that.

It's more socially expected to relive your youth when your kids grow up and live your best life ever.

It seems to me that there is a stigma if you are an older women and are not interested in having grandchildren, or taking care of them if you have them. I think that mostly the stigma for women who don’t want children is largely past, but we’re still left with the notion that a woman who isn’t desperate to have grandchildren and devoted to any they have, is weird.

Obviously yours, many people would love to be a grandparent and don’t get the opportunity.

You will probably find that your disinterest will drive a wedge between you and your own children. No parent wants their children to spend time with someone who doesn’t want them or who has no interest Grandparents don’t need to be substitute childcare. How unfortunate for the future children that you have already set out your stall. Fine to be selfish but don’t expect your children to do anything for you when you need some help

I think all of this has opened an interesting debate. It is good for us to hear different views as much of the time we mix with people with a similar mindset to ourselves. Reading the title my first reaction was to disagree with the OP, as the thread has continued I probably actually agree with much of what she has said.
I would not want to offer childcare for more than one day a week even if my grandchildren were near enough for me to do that. But I will help as much as I can in bursts when we can travel to them. And if there was a crisis of course I would travel to them. Not because it is a duty but because I would want to. One of the hardest things is not being closer to help more but it does mean we can please ourselves a lot of the time as far as semi retirement allows.
I do not agree with the transactional attitude that grandparents should offer childminding then be owed care as they get older. I truly hope, and will do all I can to make possible, that my children’s last memories of me are not of someone struggling and in need of more care than is dignified.
What was maybe missing in the first post was the absolute joy that grandchildren can be and that grandparenting can be.

Let's talk generations, my parents had children 50s/60s my mum was sahm because that's how it was, no mortgage no expensive cars, wide-screen tvs , no holidays, we had the bear minium, she looked after the home and children dad went to work,

Next generation, me, mortgage, holidays, both working full time, I had no grandparent support so I worked nights while h worked days, we managed

My point is, that I do think there is an expectation for grandparents to step up or in as this generation has the big mortgages big careers, so yes I get it when nursery fees are what they are along with after school programs,
My daughter became quiet poorly after second child, lost her driving licence, unable to work so yes I helped out alot, I was working full time too, of course wouldn't have had it any other way,

Op has seen many of her friends step in and quiet rightly is thinking about her future as she said she has plans, and that's great, I have said before, do as much as you want like, support children were you can , but it's OK not to be so involved too, I had no choice but that's life, if we could all be sahm we wouldn't be having this conversation now,

Op was asking , never is she expecting her children to support look her in later life it's not tit for tat,

Parents on both sides are more hands off. They are very lovely, but it has always been clear that my parents and ExHs parents would not be providing childcare in any way shape or form. We go and visit a few times a year (we live away) and it is very nice but no more than that! For the very first time this year my Mum looked after my 11 year old for a week in a bit of an emergency but she only did that as DD is older and easier to deal with. Childcare is so expensive now I am glad my young child rearing days are over as for a lot of people having grandparents involved may be the only way they can have children!

@thisisfrommathilda · 09/07/2025 18:44

I hate that old crap, well if you don't do childcare don't expect me to look after you in your old age. Your parents brought YOU up, looked after YOU, do you expect them to do it twice and look after your kids aswell before you would give them a hand out when they are old?

This. ^ It's just plain nasty isn't it? Even so, I don't expect my DC to look after me when I'm infirm and very old. But they would probably want to help as I actually raised them, loved and cared for them, and gave them the best life and best opportunities for over 20 years. To say you don't deserve help when you're elderly, because you didn't want to be full time childminder to your grandchildren, is a despicable thing to say.

The level of entitlement from a few posters on here is off the scale.

???

@thisisfrommathilda I didn't say it was the same thing, and I never said grandparents should provide full time childcare either.

You won't change my mind on the topic. If you have children, you should help them if you are able. Regardless of how old they are. Opting out of helping your children purely because you want "me time" is selfish. That doesn't change simply because they are adults.

And please don't pull out the "health/work/distance" etc. arguments, because they don't apply - if anything is preventing you helping that's just life. If you are choosing not to help that's a really unpleasant attitude to have towards humans you chose to bring into the world, and I can't see any defence for it.

my colleagued worked full time til 67, she was sad she couldnt see her grandchildren more, but saw them when she could, and has a great relationship with them

You're obviously not alone and I don't think you're unreasonable, but I am a very commited grandmother and I wouldn't want it any other way. No need to congratulate me, no need to call me unreasonable either, it's just how it is, how I am. It's the life I want, and you can have the life yóu want. We're all our own person.

You don’t have to do that. You never have to do more than you want to.

IME everyone I’ve ever met who describes themselves as having spent their entire lives looking after others or as someone who just ‘gives and gives and gives’ has…….been viewed rather differently by others.

I was a carer for a parent (changing adult nappies etc) from my mid teens until they died, then I had children to care for. I wouldn’t say I’ve spent my entire life caring for others; I’m not a martyr and I’ve done only what I was happy to do.

I think perhaps your first post came across as more anti-grandchild than you actually are. You’ve described friends effectively providing full time childcare, or being impatient to become grandparents as soon as possible, both of which are pretty extreme examples. It’s perfectly reasonable to say that you don’t want to do that. I’m wondering if perhaps you’ve just heard so many people obsessing over grandchildren you’re starting to think that that is normal and you are different? The more of your posts I read the more I get the impression that actually you’re just enjoying your life right now as it is and don’t wish to change it to the point where grandchildren are your primary focus, but would still happily be involved if they do come along. That sounds pretty healthy to me.

My MIL has provided childcare on an ad hoc basis but never in a regular arrangement to support us working (that’s what nursery is for). She was quite involved in the newborn stage due to me being disabled and needing extra support. But she is off on several holidays a year and very active with hobbies and charity work. She is adored by all her grandchildren.

I’ve got several grandchildren and I’m only in my late 40s, I still have teenagers at home and I also work and have hobbies.

My ds has high expectations of me as a grandparent and I just can’t do it all as I’m a lone parent too with no extended support network myself.

My ds has a very chaotic life (he does work full time) but just can’t stop having kids and as a result he and his partner are overwhelmed and disorganised. Yes I do help, I’ve just had two of the gc for two days and nights so the youngest could be born and I regularly have his eldest (who doesn’t live with them) at the weekends.

Ive had to put boundaries in and say no to the endless babysitting requests, I’m exhausted and I just want to go off by myself and do all the things I want to do when I do get some free time.

I love them all but I just can’t be the grandparent my own kids expect me to be

Exactly, you put it much better than I managed to.