Not wanting grandchildren

Go for it, life is short, none of us know what is around the corner and lots of other cliches. Maybe phrase it as enjoying a different stage of life rather than being selfish as it can easily include some form of giving back to society. In any case it will make you are more rounded grandparent able to model different aspects of life to any gc that come along.

Having said that, children do go to school so it is for 4 years max. Also most 3yo benefit from their free nursery hours.

You can have grandchildren and not provide childcare, weird to wish you don't have any for that reason. Who's to say your kids would even want you to provide childcare, you don't sound very maternal so I doubt you'd be their first choice tbh. Of course YANBU to want a life of your own.

I think if you do have GCs you will be surprised at the joy of having them around, but then I was a mum for whom the school holidays were great - I never wished DCs back to school like some mothers I heard.

@Reallyneedsaholiday not unreasonable but maybe a little blinkered! I'd love to see my 2 grandsons more often but my sons is a1½ hour journey(I have no car) and he works shifts (also he and his wife are separated). My 3rd grandson I haven't seen since he was 2. Long story but my DIL has turned out to be a complete and utter b*h, he is now 6. I've never been asked to babysit any of them and it's a bit disappointing tbh.

Women don't have to be martyrs to their adult children. Sometimes it's perfectly ok for women to think about themselves.

~ "However, if you decide to do the minimum, you can expect that to colour your DCs attitude if/when you need help in later years. There are many threads about that on Mumsnet - "why should I help my parents when they have spent all their time/money on holidays and done nothing to help us?" ~

To that train of thought: your parents raised you, with all the time and money and sacrifice that entails. Paid for your education through college most likely as well, so isn't all of that enough to warrant help in their elder years if need be?
And if that doesn't sway you, just know that the inheritance you may well be counting on will be going toward their care otherwise.

I think that about covers it.

My mother refused to visit for more than a few hours when our baby was born. (I hoped and expected she would come for at least 1 night.) Not ‘to help’ but to spend time together. She doesn’t work, has plenty of time, doesn’t really see friends.

She’s stayed alone with our baby once for about 2 hours. She hasn’t been supportive emotionally. He’s 9 months now.

So yes, you can be this disengaged as well. I love the idea you have ‘everyone gets help.’ I can assure you they don’t.

Wow self centered and selfish right there. Thinking about yourself.

See below

Ah I don't live under a rock, nothing shocks me in today's world. Just because they haven't said anything doesn't mean it is not in their plans! What child tells their parental everything??

I say reading comprehension is fundamental and nowhere does OP show that she is being controlling, whereas you are showing yourself to be unnecessarily rude.

OP has literally said in the first post that she would not tell her children her feelings and that they have no interest so far like many people into having children and also like many people OP isn’t waiting and hoping for the day she becomes a grandparent. It might shock you but there are many people who don’t care either way if they become grandparents or not and also have the ability to feel either the same or differently when the time comes.

OP knows she doesn’t get a say if they have children BUT she does get a say in what type of grandparent she chooses to be if they do decide to have children.

It's not selfish not to want more children in your life. As I said I'm 65 I just want some peace now. Children cause all sorts of problems including grandchildren.

I'm not fussed either way. I'm sure I would be very excited if I were told I was going to be a grandmother, but equally I don't mind if I'm not. My dc are 19 and 17 so it will be a while. Dd (19) says she doesn't want kids but I suspect ds will. I'd probably be happy to do sone child care, but I doubt our dc will come back to live near us (rural area), so unless we moved nearer them it probably wouldn't be practical.

Tell your kids! Tell them your plans! Its up to them to look after there own kids. Who is to know where you might move. But also don't expect them to look after you in your old age

I don't think you're alone at all, in your feeling that, after raising your kids, you just want to live your best life for a while. At least, unlike my mother, you've waited until they're actall grown up and haven't just left them to fend for themselves at age 12. She's always been a selfish and massively abusive narcissist and that's why I now only visit her about 4 times a year in the care home she's lived in for nearly a decade. My son's paternal grandparents, whilst not abusive, have always very much put themselves first, to the point that they now only see my son once a fortnight, if their son can be arsed to have him for 6 hours on a Sunday. I guess they're too busy providing free childcare twice a week to their other grandchild, who isn't AuDHD. The fact that their son was abusive towards me and they can't bear to face it (I've never shoved in their faces but wider family have witnessed) probably has a bearing on that too and the less they see us, the less they will be confronted by what a heartbreakingly hard job I have on my hands, while their son tries his best to rewrite history and shirk every responsibility going. Not that I had great grandparents but they did seem to be more involved and way less selfish than nowadays, and this is echoed by many friends of mine.

You can live your life however you want to. Same as your children. You didn't have them so you could look after their children anymore than you had them to look after you when you get to old to look after yourself.
We live in a society that isn't family orientated now. Many parents. Should never have been parents. They had kids because of obligation more than want.
It's ok for you to move on now and leave them too it. They too may realise this withdrawal. And match that energy.
Enjoy your retirement. Live a little. Bringing up kids is not easy. The things you had to give up just to raise them.
Enjoy your hardworn freedom 🎉

Yes you do. She can choose whether she is provides child care or not. It shouldn’t be a given.

It’s definitely not unreasonable. I would just set your boundaries early if you should ever be in the position. Having said that, my own mum was horrified at the thought of being a grandparent. She really didn’t want to be one but I lived 100 miles from her so no one was too convcerned… . Until the day my son arrived.. she turned in to the soppiest, most doting grandmother there ever was, I could barely keep her away! The boy is 20 now and they still have a lovely relationship. Just play it by ear. Whatever transpires in the future just make sure it works for you as it’s not something you have a say in whether it happens or not!

I say you are incredibly selfish. This isn't about you and, in fact, you dont get a say wither or not they'll have children. Its about controlling them isn't it because you dont want grandchildren.

You don’t need to want grandchildren, it will either happen or not. Just be loving when you see them and don’t tell your kids you don’t want grandchildren. My mother in law didn’t want grandkids and told me when I was pregnant that I was selfish making her have them. I explained that she didn’t need to see them or care for them. She never did. In fact the first few years she was down right horrible to my daughter. It wasn’t until my husband said he would have to stop visiting if he couldn’t bring his family without her being plain nasty that it stopped. We moved away and my kids don’t want contact with them. I guess it worked out for everyone.

"I’d be as involved as my children wanted me to be"

OP I would disagree with this - be as involved as you want/feel able to be. I've seen several family fallouts from grandmothers taking on more childcare than they could cope with. It all seemed a lovely idea with a cute little baby but fast forward to looking after several toddlers and preschoolers and the reality can be very different. My relative used to describe Tuesdays as her 'day off' as on the other weekdays she had 2-3 grandchildren each day to look after. She was so stressed but would not say to her children. And then it all blew up one day and caused a massive rift.

I'd be particularly wary of ever offering regular childcare to enable the parents to work without fully thinking it through. Often nurseries have to be booked during pregnancy in many areas to get a place - so a grandmother suddenly announcing that they can't look after a 3 year old anymore can leave families with no childcare. And private nurseries are often open 50 weeks a year, 8-6. Are you willing to offer those same hours? Only take holidays when the parents do? It's a big commitment to take on.