Not wanting grandchildren

I’ve seen both sides. My parents LOVED being grandparents, offered to look after them
(my mum started planning her retirement when she found out I was expecting) spent time with them and built a really lovely close bond with my children.

The paternal Grandparents are the complete opposite, would go 6/9/12 months between seeing them because they wanted to do their own thing. I rarely asked them to baby sit (maybe 3 times, ever) because I felt uncomfortable when I did ask, like I was putting them out. They basically, at their choosing, don’t have much of a relationship with DC. It’s their loss as they’re great kids.

I think what I'm trying to say is, it’s not up to you
as to whether you become a grandparent. It’s up to you as to how involved you are which then determines how close of a relationship you end up having with them.

Right ok you're an exception. Most people would benefit from family involvement.

I have 5 grandchildren and 4 step grandchildeen and one on the way. I have a full time job im 57 and wont retire for another 10 yrs so i havent changed my life because of them. However they have enhanced my life and i adore them all.
I very occasionally get asked if they can stay for a night( normally just one or two at a time) and mostly say yes but this is very now and then as my DC know we both work full time.. you can have it all- just communicate your needs x

You're creating a problem where none exists. You have no likely prospect of them right now and no one asked for you to give up your life to help with them . Wtf are you on here for?

I love being a nana I don't have him as much as I would like. As they know I'm busy with work. I visit every other week and I've offered to have him overnight it's a blessing but I suppose not everyone wants to be a grandparent x

No we don't, and not it's not. Having travelled from one country to another with 2 little kids and their dad, we just got on with it. Nice if you like that sort of thing and can organise it, but not necessary or wanted by a lot of people.

Right. It is so so weird this absolute fixation mumsnetters seem to have about forcing grandmothers to parent the mumsnetter's own kids. It's not standard, normal or expected in the real world, people just accept they have to get on with looking after their own children.

Yep batshit. You must look after your own children, and when they are grown (and you have spent a quarter of a century raising them and sacrificing things for them,) you must also do the same for your GRANDCHILDREN? How long for...? 10 years? 15 years? 20?? 25????

Wait, what?! Why did my mother not look after MY children all the time then? And why did HER mother not look after me and my brother?! Why does every 'granny' not look after their grandchildren??

BECAUSE IT'S NOT THEIR JOB! FFS. 😩

We all need a village and it's important that intergenerational child rearing happens. However it's always all on the grandmothers not the grandfathers. They're allowed to do sweet FA with no judgement.

I've just reread your original post. And you actually did say you were not looking forward to being a grandparent. Those words alone say. "You are not looking forward to being a grandparent" how else can people look at it?

You can choose to set your boundaries if ever happens.

That's the most bizarre thing i've read in a long time! Madness 😂

It might not be what you meant, but it is what you said.

It's OP who is being dramatic, to not want grandchildren because of the the unlikely chance she'll be asked to do childcare?

Why are you being so dramatic? And yes you were nasty. Maybe you missed the OP saying this.

I’m not saying I wouldn’t DO it, just that I’m not looking forward to it

How is that slaughtering? It's an extreme response to wish away the existence of grandchildren on the theoretical and unlikely change you'll be asked for childcare which you are perfectly within reason to say no to.

Could you not have said YANBU without absolutely slaughtering the OP? That was just nasty.

You are confusing two things :

the number of children your children have and when they have them - their choice

and

the help you offer them and the boundaries you put in place - your choice.

Fwiw we never had any help from grandparents on either side. Someone I know absolutely martyrs herself to her grandkids, always dropping what she is doing to pick them up from school or look after them at short notice, plus giving their parents money.

YANBU to feel this way right now. You say ‘I’m looking forward to having a life for myself when they move out’ and that’s the crux of it all. You’re exhausted from bringing up your own children and ready for a break.

If they move out and you have some proper time to re rebalance and catch up with yourself you might find that you then look forward to having little grandchildren.

But boundary-setting for granny life starts now, I’d say. Slip in the odd comment or anecdote about a friend whose exhausted because her kids take advantage of her and over-use her for childcare and how it’s not working for her but she feels to guilty to say no, etc. Another anecdote about a friend who’s got a really lovely relationship with his kids and grandchildren. She doesn’t do regular childcare - they pay for nursery - but she has the grandchildren for some lovely treat days (ie on her own terms and to suit her) and it works really well for all of them. By slipping these stories in now, obliquely, you’ll start paving the way of their expectations.

This is mad. My parent and in-laws have done none of those things. They just get to do the nice bits of coming by to visit to hang out with their grandchildren. Don’t get me wrong, I would love some practical or financial help, but it is never offered, which is fine. We’ve occasionally asked for some help when we were stuck eg when I had surgery and was in hospital for 10 days. They won’t look after the kids when they’re ill, in case they catch it. Hard for us, but fair enough. You’re not obliged to do any of the stuff you don’t want to. Don’t worry about it and if they do have kids just gently set your boundaries and don’t offer more than you’re happy to give.

@Mummyof32023 Tell me you use your childrens grandparents for free childminding and babysitting, without telling me you use your childrens grandparents for free childminding and babysitting. 😂

Is this a serious post?! 😂

Agree but if a grandparent feels obliged to offer equal help to all their children then there can be a preschooler in the family for many years - there's 25 years between my gran's oldest and youngest grandchildren (17 in total! - she never did childcare). But it's where the stress for my other relative started - offered to look after one granddaughter (only child) and then her other child had 3 boys a few years later that she then felt obliged to also look after.

Also, in our area, the nursery places are all taken by children in their care from the baby stage (most start 9-12 months). Very few places if you want a place for the first time at age 3 (have to join waiting list and wait for someone to leave). Appreciate it might be different in other areas though.