Not wanting grandchildren

I'm just getting to the end of day to day responsibility and I can't say I'd want to hear the patter of tiny feet.
My mum was desperate to be a GP but she was a pretty mean mum so it was more of a do over. A chance to be shortterm perfect and rewrite the past. She turned out to be geographically distant and as the kids grew, was suffocating and just caused my kids anxiety. We reduced contact to a polite level.
On the other side MIL made a fuss about being to cool to GP, made up a toe curling nick name. She was a bit too 'knows best' and put my kids in danger and minimised it. She ended up having much more contact with her daughters kids. Like she did with her own kids, she plays favourites and it's obvious and off putting to my kids, so we're in polite contact rather than close.
I don't know what kind of GP I'd be. I took parenting pretty seriously, thank you Mumsnet for helping. I need a break to put me first I think.

If and when you do become a grandparent just set really clear boundaries about what you will and won't do. Be honest and say what you've said here. Nothing wrong with wanting some life back. Raising children is hard work.

Neither of our parents do any of this except for the odd (think once a quarter) couple of hours of babysitting from one side. Why would you have to give up work or pay for grandchildren??

You don't really get a choice in whether you become a grandparent or not, but you do get to choose how involved you are. Nobody will force you to be involved if you don't want to be. I have young kids at the moment so this is way off for us, if it ever happened at all, but being someone who has grandparents down the road, who aren't half as involved as I thought they might be, I will try and remember what hard work it was if I ever do become a grandparent, as I wouldn't want my kids to feel the way I do sometimes, I'd like to support as much as possible as I know how it feels to have no support most of the time. I wouldn't want them to go through the same thing. I'd never say this to my own parents though, as it's their life and their choice isn't it.

Hmm these type of threads are popular just now aren’t they? Unfortunately OP you don’t get to choose whether or not you become a Grandparent but you do get to choose how involved you are which I would have thought would be pretty obvious tbh.

You don't have to be involved to the extent your friends are if you don't want to.

I've got 2 children. Most of my close friends do too. One has her parents and in-laws stay from Thursday to Sunday each week, alternating weeks, to look after her children. Another's mum has her kids on a Thursday for her while she works. Another is an air hostess whose mum and brother do a lot of overnights/nursery pick ups for her, because of her schedule, but they both seem very happy too... another sees her parents every 6 weeks or so.

I don't have parents, and my in-laws have met our son a handful of times and our daughter once—their decision. They made it clear when we told them that I was pregnant that they wouldn't do childcare, but they felt they wanted to be heavily involved. They must have changed their mind at some point.

Be clear about what you can and can't offer, so that they don't make plans around you helping or anything; but there's nothing to force you to have any more involvement than you want.

You have a choice how much you get involved. It’s quite common for grandparents to not get involved with their grandchildren.

I am a grandparent and don't really do any of those things. I love my grandchildren to bits but I work full time and babysit about 4 times a year. I but birthday and Christmas presents but don't help out financially. Why do you assume that being a grandparent means doing do much?

You don't get a choice in whether your children have their own children, or not, but you certainly do get a choice in how involved / invested you want to be if they do have them.

I’m not with you on this. My friends who are grandparents tell me there’s no love like it.. it’s a massive addition to your life and as long as I’m able to travel and enjoy life with my dh too, I’ll want to be as involved as they’ll let me. My kids benefited massively from my parents’ involvement in their lives.

You can be as uninvolved as you like, but it's not always possible to be as involved as you'd like!

I’m not outraged if other people don’t want to look after my kids - but I find it really strange when people have no interest in it, purely because that was never my experience.
my mum absolutely loved having her grandchildren, it was absolutely the norm to give her a ring and ask if she’d mind if I dropped them off for half an hour so I could go to an appointment, or she’d offer to have them on my working days. She was very much a ‘more the merrier’ kind of nanny.
i wouldn’t ask the same of their other nan, but if she’d never offered the odd overnight or day time during the school holidays I’d think it strange.
it’s just the kind of relationships people are used to.

I think as a grandparent you get to decide how much you want to be involved in the actual raising of the grandkids firm boundaries and managing expectations is paramount. All too often parents just assume the grandparents want to be totally involved and can't understand that you have your own life and commitments. My mother has unwittingly been sucked into a situation where she is minding grandkids whilst also working and my father is ill. She's fast getting burnt out and I can't see her being able to carry on much longer.

I think your friends need to set better boundaries. You can do as little or as much as you want, but it’s down to you to set those boundaries if you feel like your children would try and push you.
In my friendship group I don’t think any of us would expect parents to struggle financially to support us raising kids. Yes, we have GP’s on both sides who are willing to pitch in and help with our LO’s but we’ve never asked and the help is always offered. I think it very much depends on your families dynamic pre grandchildren, if your kids are very dependant on you and not self sufficient then you can expect the requests to be flooding in.

YANBU to notice that there are lots of grandparents doing a lot work caring for their grandchildren and often going unappreciated. However it's perfectly possible to say no when asked and there are plenty of grandparents who don't provide any kind of care so YABU to use it as a reason why you wouldn't want your children to have children.

You do not have to be like your friends when it comes to Grandchildren. My mother's parents were very clear with my mother and her sibling when it came to their Grandchild. They were told that they would not be providing regular childcare nor adjust their lifestyles for their Grandchildren and they stuck to it. They were very very loving Grandparents to us but they had raised their own kids and wanted to do what they wanted.

I don't want to be a grandparent for awhile. My eldest is 20 and youngest is 12 and I can see it that as soon as I get more time alone as my youngest has more independance, my eldest will likely be having kids. I'm planning on going to four days a week when it does happen and I know il adore them when they are here but do hope she waits till her 30s.

YNBU, I don't think it should be expected to help out e except as the odd one off.....however that also depends on whether you had help yourself. If you did, whilst again it shouldn't be expected it does make you a hypocrite.

My parents were too elderly (late 70s) and lived abroad much of the year to do any more than the odd evening babysitting. My in laws had no interest at all.
I see some GPs who are happy to do quite a bit of childcare and some who do none.
I think it’s a big leap to think ‘it’s my time now’ and ‘I don’t want grandchildren’ - just make it clear when any of your kids get to that point that you are not prepared to provide childcare.
There of course should be a happy medium. Being with grandchildren enough (and that includes on their own on occasion) to form a lively bond but not so much that it restricts you and you feel it a burden. We used to visit my parents abroad every year and that was a very precious time for all of us.

You get to decide what kind of grandparent you are, unless there’s some unforeseen circumstances where you have to take a more active role, you can be more hands off and still have a good relationship.

My own grandmothers were very different, one was the ‘cool’ one that went travelling most of the year, always had amazing surprises for me from her travels and I stayed over or travelled with her once or twice a year. The other baked cookies and taught me to sew and knit, I was there all the time and even ended up living there at one point. I loved them both for their differences.

YABU to think that being a grandparent automatically confers you any responsibility for them.

My kids have been looked after by grandparents a handful of times in the decade I've had them. No regular childcare at all, and I wouldn't expect it.

I think your friends are probably pretty unusual. I don’t see that amongst my social circle at all, but perhaps because none of us had children young or stayed where we grew up.

Neither set of grandmothers (in our case, our dad are long dead) have ever done any regular childcare. I mean they’ve maybe stayed overnight at ours with them for one night about 4 times ever between them in 12 years. Never did any childcare while we worked. MIL came once to look after my youngest (at the age of 6) so I could go to the hospital to have stitches removed because Dh was abroad.

They have travelled and see some friends and don’t really bother with us much. 😂 In both cases actually, the real ball and chain that has held them back has been partners who either are too miserable to do much, very anti-social (or have alienated them from friends), or who became ill mid 60s and now they are carers just as they are hitting their best years when they could have been off on cruises or whatever else. If not for their partners, both would be living a much happier and more exciting life. So maybe the real lesson is choose someone to grow old with wisely.

I’m surprised it’s even a question. You’re entitled to set whatever boundaries you want in your life. My children had no grandparents at all, and I never ever hired a babysitter. I’m a very hands on grandmother but I’m the only grandparent they have. They’re fine either way.

I have four adult children who I absolutely love to bits but I have never been interested in having grandchildren. I can’t really articulate why, it’s nothing to do with being worried I’d have to help out or anything like that, I’m just not interested. I like children - I work in a school and I love the kids.

ive never mentioned this to my children but it seems like I am unlikely to get any grandchildren anyway. My oldest daughter is gay and married to a lovely American girl, they are adamant they don’t want children. My younger daughter is engaged but doesn’t want to “bring children into this world”, my older boy has just had a vasectomy (he’s 33) and my younger boy and his girlfriend are both “not bothered about having children”.