Not wanting grandchildren

The relationship you have with your grandkids is totally up to you. My mum likes to do childcare, she likes them being around her house, will happily take them overnight ect. I don’t give her loads of rules, I know she gives them sweets and treats, I know they get to stay up late and watch TV, but at the end of the day free childcare. I am kind of jealous because she was so strict with us though.

My dad on the other hand is out of the country chilling on his boat most of the time. He will do the odd fun day out with the kids, and always has cool stuff to show them form his and fun stories that sometimes I suspect are exaggerated (I don’t believe he narrowly escaped being eaten by a great white, but my kids go crazy for that one). He very much thinks he’s done his parenting and now it’s time to enjoy his life. I think my kids have been to his house once, for like 30 minutes.

Both have different relationships with my kids, but they’re both special relationships. I never expected either of them to do childcare, but I am really glad my mum does it. If she ever wants to stop I would be fine with that.

Dd has never been looked after by her grandparents, it’s fine! Just be clear before they have any.

You don't have to be super involved. My mums is a grandparent to 3, she works, just completed a university degree, goes on holiday a few times a year and sees her friends regularly. She has mine (babysitting) maybe twice a year, we live far away and either we go to her or she comes to ours for a couple of days every 6-8 weeks, but that would happen even if I didn't have children. She has my niece overnight maybe every other month, not often.

She never wanted to be a reliable childcare option (as in set days a week so I could work), it just wasn't an option as she works full time, so there's never been that expectation

Just because your kids decide to have kids doesn't mean you have to provide childcare. Just because sure to set that boundary at the start so they know not to expect it of you. Grandparents shouldn't be viewed as free childcare.

This…but you do get a choice in how much involvement you have with your family

Well we are all different, I love being a grandmother and I love looking after them, had one of the littlies at the start of the week and two of the middle ones coming to stay for the weekend. I rarely have a week without seeing any of them but I have got eight so more than most I suppose.

The big thing is you don't have to do grandparenting like I do, you do it your way. Never do childcare, never see them or see them on high days and holidays or whatever you like as long as parents agree.

One thing you can't control is if your kids decide to have kids, that's their choice.

I voted YABU because it is completely up to you how involved you are with helping them out. You don't come across as someone who would have a problem saying no so don't let them be a tie

Do you not want grandchildren at all? Or just not want to look after them?

Being a grandparents doesn't mean you have to do all that.

My parents are extremely involved in my children's lives (even though they live 2.5 hours away) but it is entirely on their page. I don't expect anything from them. They still travel the world (their retirement plan all along). This year they have 3 long trips planned. They see my children when they are back. If we need childcare for events or such like, we ask them first but ultimately they are free to say sorry no (and have done for an event planned next year). They dictate how much time they want me children and when. They like to have both children one week a year and my eldest another week. With odd days to make up a week with my youngest. My dad funds a long weekend away each year because he can afford to not because he feels he needs to - next year we are probably going to fund that not them. They buy my children gift but only within the means they can. I would never expect anything more than that and I work around them not them around us.

I was very keen for them not to be grandparents how you describe and we talk about it from when my eldest was young. We both new the expectation each other had and are on the same page.

Expectations and boundaries.

I have an almost 3 year old who goes to nursery full time. One set of grandparents have had her overnight 3 or 4 times, the other set have never had her overnight.
I'd never ask for that.

They've both helped a few times for emergency childcare for a couple of hours and I know they would do so much more if I asked them.
But I wouldn't, I accept that I've had a child and I pay for her to go to nursery so that I can work and earn money to pay for her to go to nursery 🤣

My parents/in laws have raised 10 children between them, I don't expect them to also raise mine.
They love being grandparents and see my child most weekends.

If you set out your boundaries now before there are any grandchildren on the horizon, they'll be no awkward conversations later on down the line and you can live your life the way you wish to.

I understand your sentiment, but a strange way to express it. Not your choice if they happen, just make it clear that you don't want to childmind, or at least not regularly.

Its highly unlikely I will have grandchildren and have never wanted them particularly. Dh has 3...we are late 60s, live nearby but dont do childcare. We take the older ones out occasionally but didn't do that till they were 4. Dh helps them in other ways .
We retire at the end of the year but still won't be doing childcare.

Currently I feel the same, not finished raising my youngest and am now like a parent to my parents.

I may feel differently if a grandchild comes along in the next ten years but I'm at caring capacity right now and would like a break for a year or two.

My mother was a very involved grandmother so my children think I need to pay that forward and I might but I am giving back to my own mother right now which is the part they don't consider important when we've discussed the minding of their hypothetical children.

I get that seeing what your frriends are doing has put you off a bit, OP, but there's no obligation to make a martyr of yourself unless you really want to

The only thing I'd add is that it might be best to be clear with tthe DCs about what you are/are not prepared to do before grandkids start arriving, so they can make their own plans accordingly

My grandparents lived over two hours away and we saw them a few times a year.

My Mum also lives quite far away. She probably babysits once a month on average? Certainly doesn't substitute for nursery or anything and is often travelling or at hobbies. Very much has her own life.

As pp have said, your friends aren't demonstrating the only way to be a grandparent. You can be as involved as you wish.

YABU for feeling like you’d need to go massively out of your way to help. I don’t know any grandparent who struggles themselves financially to help out or who would change their own working hours to accommodate grandchildren! Some grandparent provide childcare but many do not — you don’t need to if you don’t want to. My own child’s grandparents provide very occasional babysitting a few times a year (eg if we need to attend a wedding or special child free type events) but there’s no pressure on them to do so.

You don't have a choice if you have grandchildren or not but you do have a choice in how involved you are.

I don't understand. You don't have any grandchildren, nor are you likely to ever have any, you yourself don't like grandchildren, so what's the dilemma?

You can say no. My family will watch my kids in an emergency but they have never been childcare and I wouldn't expect them to as their my kids and im more then capable of raising them. My parents have also never helped me financially again I would never expect them to as im an adult.

Not about having grandchildren, but you DO have a choice about how involved you want to be.

You don't have to provide free childcare. You can see them as much or as little as you'd like. Just be aware that if you don't see them often, they could be closer to their other grandparents, which I know some people find quite hurtful.

But ultimately this is your relationship to navigate, if and when it happens.

If your children choose to have children, the childcare arrangements are 100% up to them. They will have to hire childminders or use nurseries. They shouldn't (and probably wouldn't!) have kids with the expectation of you providing childcare.

Equally, you may find that by the time they're here (if ever!) you want to do it! And that's fine too :).

Don't worry about future decisions, because it's future you who needs to deal with it, and future you will be different to current you!

My children never asked or expected me to carers for their children, and I never offered. I did have them overnight for a couple of days holiday - but at my instigation. There's absolutely no need to turn yourself into a unpaid nanny unless you want to.
I've been surprised by how much pleasure my GCs have brought me. Keep an open mind.

I want my children to make the right decision for them. I can’t imagine wishing my lineage come to a grinding halt because I don’t want to watch some kids for a couple of hours a week for a few short years. A grandchild’s existence is surely of more value than your Wednesday afternoon.

I’ve got 2 DD’s & none of the grandparents provide childcare or financial assistance. YANBU, I think there is too much expectation on grandparents in the scenarios you are describing tbh!

Were you a stay at home parent op?
I think if you’ve spent a lot of time caring for your kids this is understandable

Goodness, I really don’t think it’s necessary to make any of those sacrifices if your children decide to become parents. It should be a blessing that you are having a new family member (if and when the time comes) not a burden. It seems like you think your own children would expect a huge amount of you and that’s something maybe you need to manage better by discussing it with them? I will say, I’m the only one of my friends who isn’t having either childcare provided or paid for by GPs. We’re all in our 20s with jobs, mortgages etc but me and DH are the only ones who are fully self-sufficient financially. Yes, nursery fees ARE expensive, but it’s a choice to become a parent and it shouldn’t be at someone else’s expense that you have a baby. I do think there is some truth in what your friends say but you don’t have to the same. My parents and IL’s have managed it and still have a lovely relationship with my child.