Not wanting grandchildren

You can give you DCs as much or as little help as you want with the GCs - just make it clear beforehand.

However, if you decide to do the minimum, you can expect that to colour your DCs attitude if/when you need help in later years. There are many threads about that on Mumsnet - "why should I help my parents when they have spent all their time/money on holidays and done nothing to help us?"

Most people I know do not have grandparent involvement- I am not local to mine and whilst we have a brilliant relationship and they adore DD they aren’t available for any practical help.

Most people I know do not live with grandparents on the doorstep.

I feel the exact same way.

I've spent the last 20 years raising my kids and although they are the light of my life I really want some time to myself at some point in my life. For the last 6 years I have also been caring for my mum who suffers from dementia, I am a yes person and find it hard to say no.

DS's girlfriend has gynae issues and may lose her ovaries at some point in the future and is keen to have kids sooner rather than later, she comes from a massive family and they all have kids early in life. I really don't want to be a gp in my 50's. I have several friends in their 40's or 50's who are grandparents now and they seem to spend so much of their spare time babysitting or picking them up from school. One friend does a 120 mile round trip once a week just to babysit her grandson for the evening, she says if she doesn't do this then she will never see him.

I am hoping that I may have a different opinion in my 60's when I'm retired and no longer caring for elderly parents.

Sure but OP’s main point wasn’t “I don’t want to routinely care for grandchildren” instead it was “I don’t want grandchildren” which she obviously can’t dictate.

You can do whatever you like. You might change your mind when or if grandkids arrive. Will you expect your children to look after you in old age?

She doesn’t have a choice about whether she becomes a grandparent or not, I assume is what the poster meant.

What a stupid remark. Of course she gets a choice whether to look after her grandkids or not! 🤨🤨

Maybe your parents felt the same way about you having children.

I think that’s fine but remember if you are not really involved (I don’t mean regular childcare, but interested, spending time with them etc) then you won’t havd a relationship with them and when you slow down as elderly they may not visit or support your independent living. My MIL has nothing to do with our kids, would only spend time with ghem if I organised it all and was something she was interested in anyway (in terms of outing/activity), and jetsetted off on multiple holidays abroad. That was of course her right, but now my kids are late teens they have no interest in seeing her beyond a couple of quick tea-stops a year as “duty”. It’s really sad, but you reap what you sow.

I was one of those that really didn't want grandchildren..until 2 years ago when my grandson was born..I met him when he was 2 weeks old (I lived 5 hrs drive away)..and fell instantly in love with him. He's the most wonderful little boy and I try to see him every 6/8 weeks, when I go down and stay for a week or so. My daughter and son in law have no family nearby so when I visit I babysit so they can have time to themselves and I get quality time with my grandson. I also help financially with nursery fees as its so expensive. I never thought I would actually love spending time with a toddler but he really has brought great happiness to my life.

I think you are very very unreasonable and selfish, and so is anyone else who has this perspective.

If you are able to help out with your grandchildren I believe you should. Morally.

Your children don't stop needing your help purely because they are adults. I will gladly help my children when they are adults as long as I am able with childcare, and any other support they need.

But I come from a family that cares about each other, and we all support each other. My grandparents provided childcare for me as a little girl, now I clean for them and do their food shopping, garden work etc. as they are well into their 80s
My parents do childcare for me and I am proud we still have such a close relationship they want to help me into my 30s.
My in laws also help regularly and are happy to.

In fact both sets ask to have the children more than we need! They do two days a week each.

As a side note it's only on MN I have ever encountered people that never ever get regular help from grandparents. All the people I know in real life get plenty of help, from eager and willing grandparents.

I'm also not going to entertain the "what about health/distance/work" arguments, if you can't help for what ever reason this obviously doesn't apply to you. But if you can help and choose not to you aren't very nice. Your children need you for life, not just when you deem it appealing.

My mum felt like that when I was in my 20s. Now I'm late 30s and still don't have kids and she never stops bemoaning the fact! be careful what you wish for OP!

You're not alone OP. I'm with you all the way. I'm not retired, I want to keep working, and I'm enjoying my life. I've raised my son (he's nearly 50 now), looked after ill and elderly parents, faced homelessness, watched my DH drop dead in front of me and quite frankly I've had enough. I want to do what I want to do (within reason) and I couldn't face any more complications. No matter how many boundaries you set in life, it's very, very difficult to say "no" to people you love. It's even more difficult, as a woman, not to be branded as the wicked witch of the north.

Sounds like my parents.
Just be honest.

From my late teens my parents, who obviously felt strongly about this, told me ‘you don’t have to have kids’ and ‘if you do we aren’t doing childcare’… almost to the point of being dicks about it, but at least I was under no illusions.
They have 1 grandchild (my DD) who they see for a maximum of 2 hours weekly. Even that’s too much for my dad. No overnights or anything else.

I totally understand your reasons. You don’t need to feel bad about it.
Just don’t say you will look after any grandkids when you really don’t want to, that’s worse.
You may also enjoy the company of any grandchildren more when they are older children rather than babies, so don’t rule it out totally.

My mum has done so much for my DC since they were born, ex MIL not so much. They are both adored by my DC.

If my DC were to have children, I would try and do the same, as the village of support I have had has been wonderful and I wouldn't have been able to work otherwise

You can choose how involved you are as a GP and as I said my ex MIL hasn't given any support for childcare but equally as adored.

You have no say on whether you become a grandparent or not. You have every say over what type of grandparent you choose to be.

For some people, it's a love as powerful and overwhelming as the love for their own babies, and they honestly want to do everything they can to be a valued part of the child's life.

For some people it's birthday cards with money in and a visit once or twice a year.

You get to decide where along that spectrum you fit.

How did you feel about parenting? A joy or a slog? (obviouslty both at times, but it tends to tip in one direction or the other).

Grandparents can be as involved, or not involved, as they wish. My children have one set of very involved GPs, and one set they almost never see.

I regularly tell my DC I don't want to be a grandparent (yet) but more as contraceptive advice as they are still older teens!

You may feel very differently if you do end up with grandchildren. I love mine very much and love spending time with them but on the other hand it is nice when they go home.

I think all the examples you have given are very extreme. I’m currently expecting my first and my parents absolutely will not be cutting back their work hours to help with childcare, or putting themselves in a position where they struggle financially. They will visit, they will babysit if they like too, but that’s it. It doesn’t have to be as extreme as you describe.
I have a few friends with young children and their parents aren’t stretching themselves in the way you’ve described either.

I don't think it's that the OP thinks her children would put these demands on her. I've a feeling she's more concerned with the demands she knows she'd put on herself.

I don't think you're alone, OP. I think some grandparents are able to take the position that they won't sacrifice anything for their grandchildren, and there are others for whom the same position is untenable. That doesn't mean some of the latter wouldn't rather they weren't put in that position.

You say you've spent your life caring for others. I can believe it. You just want a rest. That's understandable.

You can determine yourself what kind of grandparent you'll be.

There are martyr grandparents and children who towel advantage of that. But there are also grandparents that have no relationship with grandkids. And then there is everything in between.

I don’t know anyone who’s made the huge sacrifices you describe and I know a lot of families with young kids! All the grandparents I know who do regular childcare are already retired but still in good health and they also make time for plenty of holifays. The grandparents I know who help out financially can also easily afford to do so.

no need at all to get yourself in a position where you’re giving more than you’re able to.

Just your views clear now, OP, so they don’t do something like move near you for childcare on a false expectation. As long as you’re clear in advance then there won’t be any awkward conversations or misunderstandings further down the line when it actually becomes an issue.

This is a you problem. You obviously find it hard to prioritise yourself and set boundaries, you let yourself get pushed around, then resent it massively. Leaving everyone else, not to mention yourself, feeling totally confused. So much kinder all round to set clear intentions and boundaries. You can love your children and grandchildren without feeling like a doormat. Your over-reaction is more likely to result in you missing out.

I think you may be focusing on the wrong aspect of being a grandparent. It's about building a meaningful relationship with them, and that isn't solely reduced to childcare duties. You have no obligations (to have a relationship or to do childcare). It'll be helpful to voice your boundaries lovingly and firmly. What I would say though, is that any relationship requires effort put into it, whatever that looks like, so if you put no effort into the relationship with your potential grandkids (not saying that effort has to be childcare), there will be no meaningful relationship, you're not entitled to one.

Well it’s not something you get to control, if you don’t want to have any involvement in any future grandchildren’s lives then that’s your decision. How you behave will ultimately impact your relationship with your adult children though.

I can’t say your statement about grandparents being “more tied” than when they have young children really makes any sense or is true for the vast majority of grandparents though.