Not wanting grandchildren

We don't have children but my step-sister and her husband do - and she made it quite clear that she expected babysitting on tap as they 'had no other responsibilities'. Her own mother was unavailable as she had moved to another country (the general consensus being that she had moved to avoid her dreadful, grabby daughter).

Unsurprisingly, my parents retreated at speed.

Do what you want. But my mother did the same and never sees her grandkids. They barely know her and certainly dont love her.She sees them twice a year and she’s let me down a lot.

But that's the point, surely?

She wants to make her life around her. She's paid her dues. And why shouldn't she?

No one is obligated to spend their whole life servicing other people.

Why would it shock or offend me? It’s not that interesting. I was just pointing out that your parents may well have prayed you didn’t have children, but sadly didn’t get their way.

When you sign up to have children, you sign up to the strong possibility of having grandchildren

Honestly- I read the OP and simply thought 'It's not all about you'.

I truly don't think any other response is required. It;s just feeding into the Main Character Energy of the OP.

I'm completely with you. If my DD has children (she's only 14 so hopefully not any time soon) I will be excited and will enjoy spending time with them, but I have no desire whatsoever to be an unpaid nanny/housekeeper. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt.

My parents were relatively old parents so by the time my DD was born they were too old to do much practical childcare and lived in a different city but there's no way I would have expected them to be on hand to babysit for me all the time. They would look after her periodically when we stayed with them when DD was a toddler/primary age for a couple of hours but that was it.

I've given up a lot of my life looking after kids already: have no desire to do it in my old age.

Personally, I consider it my life's work to care for my young children right now, and I will again if I ever have grandchildren. Call me boring, I truly don't care 🤣🤣
One thing though, I don't have FB or insta, so won't be posting about any of that.

You don't get to choose if your kids have children or not, but you do get to choose how involved you are and if you want to help look after them or not. Set your boundaries and stick to them.

You are under no obligation to do any childcare whatsoever. You are also under no obligation to spend any time with grandchildren. Just bear in mind that if you don’t spend time with them, not only will you not have much of a relationship with them, you won’t have much of a relationship with your own children either as their lives will be consumed by parenting for many years.

There is also the point that a mutually supportive family can work both ways. My parents and MIL have done lots of childcare over the years. They are getting older now and starting to need a bit of help with things, which myself and DH are fully expecting to take on more as they become less able. Just be aware that if you have minimal involvement now, you might find yourself wanting more of a relationship as you get into your senior years just as your children are getting to the stage of not wanting any ties if their kids have flown the nest.

I haven't discouraged my son from having children. He is now 50 and a schizophrenic (whom I care for full time) so it's highly unlikely to happen. My parents were ambivalent about me having children. I only had the one. It was different back in the 70's when I had my son. Grandparents weren't, generally anyway, so involved in their children's or grandchildren's lives. Very few grandparents would've had to do childcare, it just wasn't a thing. They might babysit now and then if you were lucky so you could go to your husband's works do or something like that. But that was about it. Otherwise the grandkids would see the grandparents around once a month when you visited them for Sunday tea. It was a very different time and not really possible to compare. If I did have a grandchild I would of course love him/her but no, I would not relish doing school runs and childcare at my age and after a rather diffcult life. Sorry if that seems to shock and offend you.

No way! Some people seem to make it their life’s work though, & give up their weekends, & retirement … to care for the grandkids. Actually I’ve known some grandkids who spend more time with their grandparents than parents.

But on the other hand l suspect that some bring up their own kids, marriage is stale, & they need those kids in their life to claim that they have one. I come off FB years ago as I got sick of all the grandkid posts 🥱.

I think it’s so sad that you would make that decision after raising your own children. You don’t have to be regular childcare but surely you want to be a part of their life? Your own flesh and blood? I loved the relationships I had with my grandparents and I’m sad that my DC don’t have the same relationship with one set of grandparents. I find them inherently selfish and if they don’t want a relationship with my DC then I don’t want a relationship with them. They can die lonely 👋🏻

Thank goodness for this thread. @Reallyneedsaholiday I feel exactly the same. I have 2 adult DC - late 20s/almost 30 - both left home almost a decade ago, and DH and I see them every couple of weeks. They are both high flying professionals with university degrees and successful careers, and are both in relationships, and they have very busy social lives, and neither one of them wants children. And I couldn't care less.

Like you, I 'cared' for some 27-28 years (when you include children and elderly, infirm family members,) and I have been free of caring for about 5-6 years. I love it. I love the freedom of not having to think about others, and spending my time nursing and caring for people. (And I am touching 60 and need to take care of myself, and my own health! And yes, put my own needs first.)

I don't care if they never have children. Oddly though, my DH (my DCs dad,) says he is a bit disappointed, as he was looking forward to grandchildren. He's not devastated, but feels an inner sadness. I said, they're not even 30 yet, they may have a child eventually, but truthfully I can't see it.

I know you can be a carer for your grandchildren as much - or as little - as you like, but I know my 2 will be mithering me to babysit/childmind, because of their busy lives and the cost of childcare. Even though they are fairly high earners, the cost of childcare is horrific, and they will prefer not to pay it. I don't want to say 'no' but I will have to, because apart from the odd afternoon here and there, I don't want to be looking after babies/small children. Literally CBA. I've got my own life. And it will be me, not their dad doing it. It's never the men!

I know a number of 55-75 year old women - as I said always the women 🙄 - who are knackered, worn out, weary, and perma shattered because of being full time childminders/nannies for their small/infant grandchildren. LOL, fuck that for a game of soldiers.

I mean, of course when they come along I will love them. But I am still not going to be a full time childminder for them, or a 1-3 times a week babysitter. Nope!

I love this!
We don't get any help because both my in-laws and my own parents live abroad (in different countries from each other) and we both work full time - it is fucking hard! If one day my kids have children, I'd love to help them as much as I can and as much as they need. I do not want them to have to struggle as much as us (it's nobody's fault, it's just the way it is).

I wasn't a Gran until I was almost 70. I had my DCs in my early-mid 30s and my first and only (so far) grandchild has come along recently.

They live too far away to be a hands-on Gran and I regret that very much.
I'd like to be more involved.

My sadness is that I will probably not be around to see my Grandchild(ren) marry, have kids and be settled as adults.

What you feel @Reallyneedsaholiday is your choice.

I think it’s a valid feeling. You can be like my parents who openly said “we have done our time and don’t want look after any grandchildren” and they stuck to that. They see their grand children around 4 times a year and go on multiple holidays instead.

I am not going to lie it’s really affected our relationship though, I would love for them to be more involved (not childcare) but feeling they actually want to spend time with my children.

There’s probably a balance somewhere

You are not alone! I do not want grandchildren at all. I love my DC but children bring worries along with the joy and I don't like being tied down. I see my friends giving up hobbies, holidays, outings etc because of grandparent duties and I don't want that to happen to me. Obviously, I would if I had to and I might even enjoy it, but I'd rather not.

I’m hoping for at least half a decade with no childcare in my life whatsoever. Then I’ll be ready!

I actually love little kids and I’m very good with them but I spent my childhood in charge of my little siblings, had my own children at a very young age, provided childcare for friends and family.. I’d like just a few years to decompress and just exist as me, whoever that is.

Well it might not even be an option to be involved in any furute grandchildren’s life or care. Your children could move miles away and you see the, twice a year if you are lucky.

How you feel is how you feel - it’s not compulsory to be a hands on grandma.
I’d start mentioning it now Way before any grand children are here.

It’s not ‘selfish’. You have raised your own children you’re not obligated raise theirs too

I put YABU because no one is forced to do childcare as a grandparent, the option to say yes or no is there.

My mum wasn't particularly looking forward to me having a kid. Not that she didn't want me to, but she was neutral and I had no expectations of her wanting to be particularly involved.

These days I think my eldest child has replaced me at the top of the 'people my mum loves the most' tree 😂

I find this quite sad. I live 6 hours away from my mum so childcare never been an issue but still involved in that we see her for holidays, visits etc.

My MIL did provide childcare and is utterly amazing. But it's only ever been two days a week and now they are at school is a couple of hours a week at most.

They can go on holiday whenever they like as I'd take leave or make other arrangements.

They see friends and do other things but say they enjoy the rhythm of the week in seeing them.

My kids are still in primary school but I'd love to be a granny.

I don't feel I have sacrificed my whole life to motherhood though. Other than the toddler years they have always been in own rooms, slept through, I have a decent job, I can go out if I want to etc.

I wonder if this is a sign that modern motherhood is taking too much. I'm not a fan or the martyrdom model which seems popular.

I voted that YANBU - but you need to be ready for the consequences.

My mum felt like you. When my sister and I announced we were pregnant (within a fortnight of each other), she sold her house and moved to France. Stayed there for 16 years, doing her own thing.

Now her grandkids are late teens/young adults and she's back. She is constantly bemoaning the fact she has no relationship with them, or us. Now she's older, she wants to be an integral part of our lives, she wants the Sunday lunches and spa days, and the role of grandma.

But she's done fuck all to earn it, we've all built lives without her, her grandkids hardly know her, the idea of her sitting at the head of the table as some kind of matriarch feels risible and we'll rock/paper/scissors over who has to look after her when she's a bit older - which is very much on her mind.

I'm being very blunt, but just make sure you will ALWAYS feel like this, before absenting yourself from the nitty gritty hands on bits of your grandkids lives. If you like the idea of family get togethers when you're in your 60s and 70s, and someone welcoming you to the Christmas Dinner table as an integral part of the family, inside the jokes, rather than the bolt on looking on - I'd keep a toe in the water... ;-)