Not wanting grandchildren

Why are you thinking about something that might not happen and is out of your hands anyway.

Depends how much help she got from her own parents with her own DC.

There's no obligation of course, not ever. But I do think it's a bit unfair if your parents helped you out to not expect to be the same sort of grandparent when it's your turn.

OP, None of those things is obligatory. My dm had six children and had the sense to say she wasn't going to help with any grandchildren. She'd done enough.

No money, no baby sitting. She knitted the occasional sweater and that was it.

My kids have only just left home so I’m certainly not ready for gc yet. I’m assuming I’ll change my mind when I’ve had a few years of freedom. But I’m definitely not going to do regular childcare. I’ll do emergency and to give them a break occasionally but I don’t want to be tied down with a regular commitment.

No that's fine. I was just answering your question - you asked "What do you mean, 'you don't get a choice'?" so I was just letting you know what they meant

I can't relate, as personally I can't wait for grandkids. It looks like all the nice bits of parenting to me.

But I do think the way you feel is fair enough, just don't tell your kids.

My MIL told me while we were TTC (she didn't know we were TTC but still) that she "didn't want any more grandchildren". She had three from her DD but none from us yet, plus two other kids yet to have any.
It was hurtful since we hadn't even conceived yet so we certainly hadn't put any responsibility on her! and it made what should have been a happy announcement rather awkward.

@Reallyneedsaholiday thats a choice your friends have made. My grandparents nor my parents for their grandchildren have offered financial support or child care beyond the odd sleepover. Same goes for my in laws.

Prior to having grandchildren my parents made it clear to my siblings they wouldn’t commit to regular childcare, much like you they didn’t want the responsibility or tie. That was their prerogative and has never caused any issues. Admittedly they don’t live close enough to do regular school pick ups but even if they did the situation would be the same.

It’s perfectly possible to have a close bond with grandchildren without the regular babysitting or financial support. All the things you’ve listed are choices, not requirements.

No, of course that goes without saying! I didn't mean that the OP could literally prevent herself from becoming a grandparent. I just meant that she has no obligation to drop her own life in order to provide childcare.

I can't ever imagine not wanting to be involved with my baby's babies.
I've always managed to maintain my interests, career and separate friends, as well as being a parent, so don't feel a strong urge for "my time". That said, noone's going to take the piss out of me, either.

I’ve spent my entire life looking after other people, and I’m just not looking forward to it. I’m not saying I wouldn’t DO it, just that I’m not looking forward to it. Am I alone?

I think most grandparents don't realise it's going to be harder than they thought.
Depends how much you're 'expected' to do. Seems a lot nowadays.

@ExercicenformedeZ unless you are playing Johnny Sniper you can't control whether your children procreate or not

If people genuinely think that grandparents, simply by virtue of having grandchildren, are obliged to devote years to offering free childcare and/or other financial help, I think that's an incredibly damaging and oppressive stereotype.

To me, for example, it's very much the exception, rather than the rule. We had our child in a different country to where our parents lived, as had most of our friends, so 'grandparenting' was very much a matter of arranging regular Skype calls and occasional visits. All childcare was always paid childcare. I'm frequently taken aback by the tone of entitlement on here where people moan about their parents not doing enough, or complaining that it's 'so hard not having local family' (which seems to be code for 'free childcare').

I think the idea that free grandparental childcare on tap is normal is actually pretty coercive.

you cannot force nor stop your DC from having their own DC

OP, YANBU at all. My only caveat is that I hope that you don't then expect your children to drop their lives to run around after you when you become infirm, because that isn't fair either.

What do you mean, 'you don't get a choice'?

I have voted YABU just because it's entirely within your gift how involved (or not) you are with your GC.

If you don't want to provide childcare - don't.
If you want to go travelling - go.

You just need to be clear with your DC so they can plan accordingly

I don’t think it’s a simple choice. If you choose not to do childcare but the other set of grandparents are all in, you seem like the arseholes by default. That’s the consequence.

I think about this quite a bit. I’ve notice people feel nice feelings towards older women in the family if they are homely, doting, cook good meals for everyone and get stuck in with childcare. If they aren’t that, they’re seen as a bit cold.

I am a grandma and adore my grandchildren and step in to help wherever I can . Today I have unexpectedly got my baby grandson because his older sister very unwell today with high temperature.My daughter and SIL are always very appreciative which certainly makes a big difference from my POV .
Absolutely no problem if I cannot help which makes our set up work.

My son is 17 and I can't wait to be a grandparent. I love him, and I'd love to be part of his life in whatever form he feels comfortable with, for as long as he wants me to be. I don't expect him to have children, I don't expect him to ask me to help out with childcare, I don't expect him to stay close enough to me that I could be part of their lives still... He has to make his own life. But if he and his partner wanted me to be part of it, I would be in like a shot.

I own a small business, my job is insanely stressful, my in-laws are getting infirm and needing more of mine and my husband's time - I do feel sandwichy... But there will always be room, time and capacity to support him. I can't imagine not.

I think if you’re so selfish you don’t nurture any relationships in your life then you will end up lonely. That doesn’t mean to say you have to look after other people. But surely spending time with others (friends and family) is the whole point of life?!

No you don’t get a choice if you become a grandparent or not but you do get a choice in how much of your time you use for minding them.

I have 5 children and I never ask my mum to look after them for me. Unless in an emergency. I would rather pay childminders/nursery. My mums done her bit and I wouldn’t use her as free childcare. I also never rely on my mum for money.

As a result my mum absolutely loves the time she spends with them as it’s not expected and it’s on her terms. She will quite often ask to take them out. I think if you see them when you want you will love being a grandparent.

Surely we are each the main character in our own lives. What else could we be?

Just be like my DM and DMIL. Show no interest. They'll get the picture 😂 but then don't expect care in your older years either- that's fair.

So don't be a hands on GP. She's angsting online expecting what? Validation? Talking about her needs and wants when at the end of the day her children might decide to have children without reference to her opinion.

If her children decide to have children it's up to them. It's up to her if she wishes to be involved or not.

My Dad was 70 and my Mum late 60's when my son was born. They made it very clear to me from the start that minding my son whilst I went back to work, was off the table. They didn't mind babysitting him if we went out for the night or during the day occasionally. However, more than that, they didn't want to know. My parents adore my son, and they are amazing grandparents to him (he's 14). After he was born and I'd had a C-section (emergency), they came over twice a week to help me, and continued to do so for years. Essentially, you need to set out expectations and boundaries from the start, so there's no misunderstanding.