Not wanting grandchildren

You're totally misunderstanding what being a grandparent is OP. You're referring to grandparents that provide childcare. That's only a section of grandparents!

Being a grandparent can be whatever you want from it and make of it. Our kid sees his grandparents a few times per year on one side, every couple months on the other, and that's great for all of us. He knows and loves them but they're very much living their own lives too after years of childrearing.

For the grandparents doing too much and complaining about it, that's on them for not asserting themselves.

Nope.
Neither of mine are showing any interest in having kids (both the right age for it and with long term partners) and it doesn’t bother me at all. DH wants some, I think that’s because he feels he wasn’t mature enough to be a good dad to ours and wants the chance to prove himself!
I’ve had years of worry about my own kids and I don’t relish the thought of having extra people that I love madly and will therefore worry about.
As well as that, the world is going to hell in a handcart right now so I’d rather relax and enjoy my own life.
That said, if any came along I’m sure I’d adore them!

Today's world is no more awful than it has ever been. There is little happening now that hasn't happened before and there is a lot that is great.

However if any of your children did have kids of their own, you'd be fine and only as involved as you'd want to be.

I am 75 and very unlikely to be a grandmother now. When I was younger I imagined I would and quite looked forward to it (though never said much because I don't believe we should push our own hopes and expectations onto our kids), but am not bothered, I've had my life and can enjoy myself well enough now without.

Well frankly it’s not your choice to make.’your children will decide whether or not they want to have kids and it’s got nothing to do with you.

Just be upfront with them and tell them you’re not willing to help with childcare. Plenty of grandparents are not involved. Just don’t expect to have a particularly close relationship with your kids and grandkids into your later years. Many parents are finding out that their parents want little to no part in caring for their grandchildren (which is ironic, given how many of me and my friends were practically raised by grandparents) and so it’s not uncommon. Just don’t switch on the emotional manipulation and demand access to them as you age. A relationship needs to be built first.

I also wouldn’t be worrying about this when it hasn’t even happened.

OP your life is your own. As you say, you've raised your children. You don't have to help with theirs.

I think it would be worth having this discussion with your children if you think they are expecting help from you, so that they can plan accordingly. But you don't have to do anything if you don't want to.

It also doesn't have to be all or nothing - you may find if you ever have grandchildren that you enjoy spending time with them but don't want to do regular childcare. That's fine too.

I do understand this to a certain extent. Our DCs are mid 20s now, moved out in the last year or two. Our caring duties for our elderly parents have come to an end and both DH and I are winding down slightly with our careers (late 50s). We both want to travel and do loads of stuff whilst we are still fit and healthy enough to enjoy it.

I do feel guilt though as my in laws looked after ours 3 days a week for years. However, they had no interest in travel. Everyone is different and maybe I'll feel differently when/if they are here.

You are equating having a grandchild to providing childcare and financial support. Neither me nor any of my close friends have used parents as regular childcare and it's not something we ever expected them to provide (our children have all attended nursery). We don't receive any financial support from parents and again, it would never cross my mind to expect this. Your friends may have decided otherwise but no reason why that's the model of grandparenting you have to follow.

I'd hope that I would want to spend time with my grandkids. I'd also want to support my kids, to help to lighten the burden of juggling work and kids.

My in laws -
Fil hasn't seen dc for 8 years
Mil lives abroad on the other side of the world and only comes over every few years. Only sees us and therefore grandkids when we puck her up or drop off to the airport. Her entire trip is to see her cousins and friends.

My 17 year didn't know dh step mum had and affair and how that's how he met her. My dad 10 doesn't know dhs mums name.
Neither the 13 year old or 20 year old could pick out fil or step mil in a line up. Doesn't know their name.

Not all grandparents are involved. Not all grandparents want any level of relationship with grandkids. And some like us are completely irrelevant strangers by their choice. My kids honestly don't care either

My mother rarely babysat for me - only when it was urgent or a work thing I had to go to, and she was very upfront with me about it. She had a lot of support from her and my Dads families, but it was her choice.

I hope I could be a much more involved grandmother if I'm lucky enough to have grandkids. I wouldn't do full time, but a couple of afternoons a week, the odd weekend, couple of weeks in the school holidays etc. This is what my parents got, and I would have loved it if they'd done the same, but my mum didn't want to.

There's a happy medium.

Just make it clear to your children that they need to figure out chilcare BEFORE having kids because you want to rest and just do the occasional babysitting. Which is absolutely fine. I think it's the nursery fees that push parents to solicit gp, they are way too high. But, you have to figure it out or just not have children.

Why don't you worry about that when and if it happens, eh?

Exactly. People can't say that they will enjoy their retirement without wanting any responsibility to family, and then demand that said family step up when they become old and infirm. I'm not making a moral judgement, just a practical one. By the time these older people are old enough to need help, their own kids might well be reaching retirement age and not really feel like changing bedpans etc.

This is nonsense. My daughter has a brilliant and close relationship with her grandparents, none of them looked after her regularly.

Millenials will do the same as we all did - whatever works for them individually.

YABU - not because you don't want to take on responsibilities - but because you seem to think that's the only way?

You don't HAVE to do anything but it doesn't mean your children should or shouldn't have children. They'll do what they want to do, and you just be as involved or not as you like.

If you choose to get involved and do lots, that's your decision.

Yep, it will also likely make people less likely to support elderly parents like they do today.

There is defo a shift, as many of us were cared for by our grandparents and see our own parents not making the same effort.

I think probably each to their own, but I have had a very similar experience to you.

We had kids late so the grandparents were past working age so maybe that made it easier, but my mum had my kids once a week plus did babysitting and MIL had them once a week too (also did the occasional babysitting), although less sleepovers as they got older. If MIL was away on a break, then obviously I just had to cover that day and there were times she had to cancel which was obviously fine.

We are a very close family, though, and pop around to both sets at least once a week, sometimes more often and see each other for all birthdays and Christmas etc.

I'd like to think I'll offer the same but would make it clear that it would probably only be once per week (plus babysitting) and not to be tied down if I suddenly wanted to go on a 2-3 week holiday somewhere.

It's not your choice or decision as to whether your offspring have children. It is your choice how much you interact or how involved in their lives they become. You don't have to do any of the things you think would be such a burden. Crack on with your own life.

I only had one living grandparent and she showed no interest in me at all. (Probably because I was a girl and she did like the boys.) But anyway it made no difference to me.

I however and a very hands on and involved Granny and can't imagine not having anything to do with Grandsons.

Possibly. I don't know if I agree with that or not, as people's circumstances can change. I get what you're saying, though. What I do 100% think is that grandparents who don't help at all with grandkids cannot expect any help as elders, either practical or financial.

I’m a working parent. I still spend a lot of time looking after my child.

I have not seen this, I notice more that grandparents are already taking a huge step back.

Of course, there are some very involved grandparents, but they aren't usual in my circle sadly.

I think its sad because they do have less of a bond with their grandchildren than previous generations.

I expect the millennial generation will step up once its our turn to be grandparents as we understand what its like to not have any childcare support.

You're not being unreasonable not to want them particularly, but as pp have said, you wouldn't have to do "duties" if you didn't want to. My mother has been abundantly clear about the fact that she doesn't want grandchildren, even though we live 300 miles away from her and she wouldn't be expected to do anything. It's therefore a bit hurtful to me that she's said that when we've had fertility struggles, but hey, luckily for her it doesn't look like we're going to manage to have children.

Why do you think so many grandparents move abroad.

You don’t get a choice but you do get a choice in how involved you are. Set your boundaries from early on and stick to them.

I barely knew my Grandma on my Dads side as she made it clear she wasn’t interested and that was fine by us all. She was nice enough but was really just my Dad’s Mum. I never felt either way about her nor had much relationship with her.

My Grandma on my Mums side is my best friend.

Your children can have children, but you don't have to be a grandparent.

I've made it plain to my kids that I will be a 'doting granny' but I'm not going to compromise my hard-won independence by promptly shackling myself to another generation, whose procreation I had no choice in.

I'll love them and visit them but I'm not giving all my free time (I'll be working through retirement) to caring for them.