Not wanting grandchildren

Just to add, it’s a looooong way off for me as my DS is only 7 but if he ever has grandchildren, I can’t imagine I will be too eager to help. Odd baby sitting here and there is fine but using GPs as regular childcare in place of nursery or a childminder is a bit unfair IMO - unless the GP are very happy to mind them. I didn’t mind the baby stage so much but I wouldn’t look after another toddler if you paid me.

I told all my AC when they disclosed that they were trying for babies……” do not expect me to give up my job to raise your children! I will babysit and step up in an emergency but they are your creation and your responsibility “ . I kept my word and have a fabulous relationship with all my AC and grandchildren.

No you are not alone. I am constantly puzzled by Grandparents who lavish more care on their grandchildren than they did on their own children.

I agree whole heartedly with what you are saying.
I also agree that it is something you dare not say out loud .
I had my children young myself .I was 23 when first was born I'm almost 59 .
I have two grandchildren .
They are extremely strong willed and tiring I have never dealt with their 'personality type' before.
I find it extremely hard going .
I mind them 4 days per week after 2 -6 pm
I also have them if their mum and dad have anything to do at weekends .
I do it to help my daughter financially .
I am the only grandma so no one to share the load but it really gets me down I have become their childminder rather than granny.
If their parents fancy a night out that's on me as well.
I just want a break 🫣

Of course YANBU. But you don’t have to provide childcare or whatever if you don’t want to!
If your children start to look like they may be going down that road, find the right time and the right words and explain how you feel so they know not to expect it.
FWIW, the only GP my DS had living in this country is my mom and she never lifted a finger to help with childcare. But then, I never expected her to. And I don’t resent her for it. It was my decision to have a child and I did so knowing full well we wouldn’t get any help.

YANBU.
I am at the other end of the spectrum to you though as I do childcare for my DGCs and I wouldn't miss it for anything. DH and I still fit in time for ourselves and lots of holidays too but for us, we love having them.

I think the decision must be influenced by how much you enjoyed being a parent though as I absolutely loved it all and luckily my DCs lives were pretty normal and we had no real drama with them.

I also think there's a difference between not wanting them and volunteering to become involved. Because of course, it's absolutely not your decision if you have GCs. But you can decide how involved, or uninvolved, you are.

A relative of mine, who didn't have GCs always used to eye roll at my parents who were doting GPs and would get fed up of them talking about the GCs. She said she couldn't think of anything worse. Until her daughter had a child! And then she changed her mind completely, total 360. So don't burn your bridges yet!

I got fed up with friends banging on about their grandchildren until I had one😳
I'm just bloody lucky I guess. Yes, I did step up and have her basically from birth for 2 days/1 night a week, because of severe PN depression, and that was fine.
The 18month to about 5 year old, I had her one day a week, and occasional sleepovers - found that a LOT harder ( there's a reason women have the menopause.....).
But now, at 11 years old, we have the closest of relationships. We have a weekend away, just the two of us, every year, that started when she was 7.
Every school holiday, she has 2 days, 1 night per week with me.
I'm lucky because ive never felt obliged to provide any care ( outside of the first 6 months or so), I do it because I genuinely enjoy her company. I have so much more time, patience and good humour with her because the pressures I had when my children were young have gone.

I had a wonderful relationship with my grandmother, perhaps that shapes our thinking.

Edited to add ; I had no help at all with my children, we lived at the opposite end of the country to family.

My mum uses the grand children as an excuse to turn down her friends. They probably think I’m some kind of tyrant. In reality I see her about once a month and she has only babysat a couple of times in the last 10years.

As long as you haven't and don't promise care and support and then don't deliver, this shouldn't be an issue. Make it clear as time goes on that you don't want to be a hands on grandparent if your children start talking about having kids.

But be aware that if you do have grandchildren and you don't have a close relationship, they will be oblivious to you later on.

I've had aging thrown into sharp focus recently - my cool, young for her years mother has aged massively over the last 2-3 years and now sometimes even struggles to use her tablet and mobile. All of her friends - the ones who lived to be elderly - are suddenly moving away to be closer to their families.

Just to say I'm a mum of 2 young children and I'd never expect my family to help or prioritise us in anyway. They're invited to join us when we do something as a family or there's a celebration, I occasionally ask them for help but always with a caveat of 'no obligations'. I didn't really used to ask for help, but mum has asked me to ask her as she wants to be more involved, so am trying to be less independent 😂

So I definitely think it's possible to be a grandparent with your own life going on and dip in when/if you want to,

I think of my mum as being very involved in DS, she sees him far more than anyone else. She's great with him and they love each other. What does that look like? She babysits for us about once every six weeks. And we go over there for Sunday lunch, or she comes over here, whenever we are all free (max once a month). That's it. That's by far and away the top banana most involved grandparent. My (divorced) dad does nothing whatsoever so you could always be more like him.

That isn’t the role of grandparent in our family or friend group. I don’t know anyone IRL who pressures grandparents to provide so much. At most, they might babysit for an occasional date night or help in an emergency. There is definitely no financial component.

If you become a grandparent, tell your children to be better parents than those of your friends and not expect the grandparents to coddle so much.

I have five granddaughters, aged from 6 to 16. I was working full-time until the youngest was three, so my relationship with the oldest four has always been based on doing fun stuff with them (with and without their parents) when I chose to, plus some occasional babysitting.

I chose to provide some childcare for the youngest once I retired, but on terms that worked for both me and her parents. I still do a couple of afternoons after school, and it’s a joy to us both - if it wasn’t, I’d stop. And I still take the others out for days in the holidays, because I enjoy it, but that fits round my other activities.

There isn’t one model of grandparenting.

It’s pretty sad really. My parents could wait to be grandparents, they are very involved in my young DC lives. My DH’s parents less so, as one doesn’t live close and the other only really visits on their birthdays.

Some grandparents are involved, have them for sleepovers regularly etc and some grandparents are less involved. Hopefully your DC marry people with parents who do want grandkids so they get support elsewhere

You can babysit occasionally and give your DC the odd break and still have oodles of time for yourself. There's no need for such dramatism about kids that don't even exist and tasks that haven't even been asked of you. Unnecessarily negative. Set some boundaries as and when it's needed. Literally all takes.
My parents do nothing, and bemoan even the very thought of it despite never being asked. It's not done wonders for our relationship. Don't do that.

My mum always said to me babysitting was for emergencies only, changed her mind when they came along but she was adamant and I respected that.

Growing up I saw my grandparents once in a blue moon. Its not set in stone you have to do childcare or bail them out financially.

It will ultimately be your kids choice to have children and that's on them, not you.

100 this !

It is wrong for grandparents to be put upon and assumed they will step up ! Obviously locality makes a difference. Mine were hours away. Friends of mine have theirs just round the corner (one has parents who dont knock , just waltz in. My idea of HELL)

It is your time now and that is OK / not selfish at all.

Enjoy :)

Your friends need to grow a backbone. I would be absolutely mortified if my mum scaled back on work to the extent of having less finances to look after my children.

I pay for childcare. My parents and in laws so have my kids when I’ve got a wedding or a night out or something but I don’t expect anything often. They spend time with them when they want. I disagree significantly with expecting parents to provide childcare to their grandchildren

just set some boundaries and I’m sure you’ll absolutely love being a grandparent

I see your point op. My daughter still young. My friend minds grandkids she said its def expected now with cost living and once you help one out... I think your 60s is nice a bit of freedom too its well earned

Having grandchildren is a joy. You don’t have to be a childminder for them. End of.

You are not unreasonable at all. I would never expect my parents to look after my child, they have raised their children and should enjoy retirement! I see other people just expecting free childcare from their parents, it is incredibly selfish.

You don’t get a say in whether you have grandchildren but you absolutely do in what your involvement is with them. Neither of my children’s grandparents have done any of the things you have mentioned. DS1 is 7 and my mum has looked after him for 3 days in his life, 2 at her request and one overnight when I had DS2 3 years ago. My in laws have DS1 stay with them once a year again at their request but otherwise all their involvement with the child is when we are there on visits or they visit us.

Its a shame that feeling you'll have all these obligations puts you off GC being in your life. It's possible to have a mid point where you do what you're comfortable with and enjoy. The key is to be crystal clear before pregnancy is even on the cards. Most of the resentment on both sides comes from a lack of shared expectations. Tell your DC what you're prepared to do, and then they can plan their family in full knowledge of that.

You obviously haven't properly read my response. There would be no reason for my parents to pray I didn't have children. Grandparents back then didn't have the involvement that they do now. Grandchildren had very little impact on their lives one way or another. They weren't required to do childcare (it just didn't happen) and they'd only babysit for very special occasions, if you were lucky. Grandparents at the school gate would've been unheard of, unless the child's mother had died. Asking for financial help didn't happen either because very few people had any money to speak of. So considering all of that why on earth would my parents pray I didn't have children? Do you have difficulty reading?

I think that everyone feels differently and that’s ok. I am a very involved grandparent and do a lot of childcare, because this is what I want to do. I also work part time and travel when I can.
so for me it’s perfect, as I like variety in my life and I love spending time with my grandchildren. I accept that other grandparents feel differently and there should definitely be no sense of obligation to help out.