Not wanting grandchildren

Not every grandparent WANTS to be close to their grandchildren. This is being held up as the Holy Grail - 'well, if you don't look after them and see them all the time, don't be surprised when they don't want to come and visit you'. But then an awful lot of children don't want to go and see Granny, particularly once they are teenagers and have lives of their own. So not being visited by your grandchildren is not necessarily purely the result of not caring for them when they were younger, it's a side-effect of their growing up.

I have zero interest in having any grandchildren, my own parents have no life of their own as they do school runs most days as well as 2/3 full days a week for the younger grandchildren. I should add I moved away before having kids, I have never had, nor would I expect childcare from anyone. My brothers and sister really do take the p1ss though. I am due to retire in a few years and my retirement is for me, I won’t be spending it raising grandchildren

Me and DP have 5 adult kids between us and we would love grandchildren, him probably more than me.

Perhaps move to a one bedroom flat? Seriously, it seems daft to be worrying about something that's not on the horizon.

As soon as they mention having kids, move far away, @Reallyneedsaholiday

I have several grandchildren. I have never given up work/worked part-time to look after them. I have babysat I think twice. I am very fond of them all but I don't enjoy small children much. You do as much as you want and it is not difficult to make clear you are going to be a 'hands off' grandparent.

I'd agree with this. I felt very unsupported by my parents when my children were young (except by my DH, he was lovely though we were both struggling).

Better or more willing support from my own parents would have been nice although I knew it wouldn't be forthcoming. They did soften very slightly when they saw how I struggled and the effects, both physical and mental, that it had on me, but it didn't last.

DH's parents were much more interested, though weren't overbearing. Why couldn't my own parents have been more like that?

My Mum said she didn’t want grandchildren but once they came along, she is an amazing grandmother and has the best bond with them. Crazy that ALL your friends who are grandparents say they’re worse off, tired etc as I don’t know any grandparents who complain like that at all…

From the person who made the comment below, knowing my adult son is disabled.

"your parents may well have prayed you didn’t have children, but sadly didn’t get their way."

And you call me unpleasant. Really?

I'm sorry if someone has already said this, but only just got home from work & my turn to get evening meal & I've only logged in while DH digging some spuds, gathering lettuce & tomatoes for a salad.

I think what you're really saying is that you don't want to do the caring for GCs while parents work, school holidays etc. I totally understand.

A friend of mine cared for her DD's 2 children for 3 days a week (she reduced her working hours & her DH took early retirement in order to do it) for 13 years - she was getting to the end of it when - guess what? Yup DD is PG & assumed her parents would continue with the childcare. They'd bought a motorhome & were looking forward to spending some time together while still young & fit enough. I've advised her to tell her DD that childcare is her problem & they're no longer available for 3 days a week. Her DD's choice to have another child & is CF to expect her parents to spend another 11 or so years caring for a GC. She feel guilted into it.

I am happy to care for our GC when we can, but our children have never expected us to do it. At the beginning of the school year I will give the weeks/days when we're able to help out & we put those dates in our diaries. If GC are sick & their parents need to work, if we can, we will look after them. If not we don't.

There is no expectation that we will care for them, but we do what we can as we love spending time with GCs - such fun.

I suspect once you hold that little one in your arms you will fall in love. Being a grandparent is a totally different relationship to being a parent - and so it should be.

You are being unreasonable only because you don’t want them to have children. You can be a grandparent and not have to be the parent. We have 6 grandkids and see them when we want, which is regularly. We pick one of our GK up from daycare once or twice a week. We occasionally pick up another one who lives 40 minutes away when our daughter needs us to, based on her work schedule. We enjoy seeing them. We have family gatherings and the GK’s enjoy being around us and vice versa. Our kids and spouses all work. They pay for childcare when needed. They pay for summer camps when school is out. We are not their daycare or full time babysitters. It’s actually great being a grandparent because they come and visit, and then leave. Set the guidelines with your kids right away. It’s their responsibility to raise and support their kids if you do not want to.

This is why I refuse to procreate. It opens up a lifetime cycle of caring for others that predominantly and disproportionately affects women. For so many, the only season in life where caring for others truly stops is when they're in a nursing home. Probably rarely visited by those they dedicated their lives caring for.

YANBU, many people feel.the same. I bet you will feel completely different when they come along and you get to know them though!
Assert boundaries from the beginning and just make the time you do spend with them is quality, meaningful time.

I totally get why you aren’t looking forward to it. I’m not either!

But… I do think, if you want the best for your children, being a rock for them when they have their own kids is one of the most effective things you can do to boost their lives overall.

I very clearly remember a comment made to me by my mother when I was 15 (I am almost 59 now). It was "Don't you EVER ask me to look after any children of yours."

It was so very emphatically said that I can remember the comment itself without remembering at all what conversation led up to it. At least I knew where I would stand though - to expect nothing and regard anything I did get as a bonus.

My parents largely stuck by that mantra, though just to be totally fair, did provide very occasional emergency childcare when I was in hospital or something like that (two births of younger children and once a few years later for emergency surgery). Other than that it was a visit a couple of times a year if that but otherwise nothing. The same thing applied to my younger sister.

As a result, my parents' six grandchildren all grew up barely knowing them, which all of them have commented on or asked about on occasions.

My parents were very much those who just wanted to be in their own bubble once my sister and I had left home. Fair enough, we wouldn't ever have wanted them to be default childcarers but we would have liked something more than the all but "disinterest" that we actually got.

My Dad died several years ago now and my mother is on her own at 90. I do wonder now whether she now quietly regrets the way things were allowed to be. My sister and I visit her as often as we can because she is on her own (has carers). She seems more interested in us and her grandchildren now that she is alone than while they were growing up. Which is nice, but I find it a little bit sad that it didn't happen much earlier in their lives.

As someone said earlier in the thread, surely there must be a balance somewhere?? I definitely hope to strike it better than my parents did if I am ever fortunate enough to become a grandparent, though none of my adult children are showing much inclination to have children of their own yet and that's fine too.

I don't want to be a full time childcarer again, but I do want to know my grandchildren and see them as regularly as possible. I will also provide care in an emergency without moaning about it or guilt tripping.

It's not selfish. Maybe nurturing relationships so you don't end up lonely is selfish? Spending time with others is not the whole point of everybody's life. We're all different.

YABU

You are tieing yourself up in knots over something that might never happen.

And even if it does there no guarentee you will live close enough, they will want you to do any of those things, you will be in good enough health to accomodate requests anyway.

Just say, you've done your shift and you don't really want to help raise kids and you are just there for fun stuff.

Just be clear from the outside so the expectation isn't there.

No, you’re not alone. When I finally retire, I want my time to be my own. I don’t mind occasionally babysitting, but I don’t want to be a default childcare option. I just don’t have the energy for it.

You can do both, we are enjoying semi retirement and freedom but see our gc when we can as they are at a distance. We help when we are there but not with regular childcare.

I disagree. Many grandparents today don’t help in the same way that they were supported when they had their own kids.

The millennials are witnessing this and aren’t buying in. The parents who didn’t want to parent also don’t want to grandparent.

Well neither sets of grandparents on either sides of my kids help out. They babysit maybe three times a year and will help out in an emergency. Thats it.

YABU to equate being a grandparent with having to do all those things. Lots of grandparents don’t do any childcare and that’s fine. With more and more people having children older, many grandparents even if they would have liked to help, are not really able to do so as they late seventies or eighties and it would be too much. Equally some younger grandparents are still working or even still have young children of their own to care for. It’s also fine to just say that wouldn’t suit you.

You don’t have to do any of that with grandchildren. I work and travel , I don’t babysit.
I see them when I can. I’m not tied in any way. I help financially a bit because I’m able to currently. When I retire I’ll have less money so won’t be able to.