Not wanting grandchildren

You reap what you sow IMO. It’s fine to not want to be involved with your grandchildren but you can’t then moan when you don’t have a close relationship with your kids/grandkids and they don’t bother visiting you or keeping in touch.

I think you just have to find that perfect balance. Do enough to be involved with them, but don’t compromise what you want to do either. I have one Dgd. Love her to bits. I see her for a couple of hours every weekend, and have her overnight once a month. Which is perfect for me. I work during the week full time in a job I really like. So it’s a balance that works for me. Not sure I’d want to give up work to be a babysitter every day, as some of my friends have done.

I don’t think what you’re describing is standard my any means, I have two children and have never once asked either set of grandparents to look after them, we’ve always managed with nursery and flexibility from our employers so our children have never been babysat by anyone! The grandparents often ask to have them or look after them so sometimes if it’s feasible then we agree, but we have never been the ones to ask or suggest!

Because my cousin is an utter nightmare, and people walk on eggshells around her so as not to cause her to erupt!

My Auntie wants to "keep the peace"!

Besides, there would be no one else she could palm her children off onto other than my own mum. My own mum did actually try to facilitate me and Auntie having a chat for 10mins in another room, by looking after the three children, this is when they ended up breaking my children's newly bought and unused gift. The children are a nightmare, much like their mother. Everyone rolls their eyes at my cousin, yet no one will stand up to her. Fortunately, I've not seen her in over a decade, as I live in a different country!

I think this is probably a result of the vast increase in the cost of childcare, compounded by huge mortgages. It really does lead to a huge financial gap between those who can get family help and those who can’t. For many the cost of a second child in childcare will take the entire earnings of one parent. Many grandparents, if close enough will offer at least one day a week care as they know the pressure the parents are under. I think that ideally grandparents are for occasional care, in emergencies, to let the parents get out occasionally, for taking the children out and as they get older possibly taking them away. But we don’t live in an ideal world so each have to do what works for us.

But why have you ever been just a wife / mum etc?

Me and DP had DD fairly young, but neither of us have ever been just a spouse, just a parent. We've kept our own lives, own interests, seen our own friends and pursued our own hobbies. And that won't change once we're grandparents either.

Honestly OP, you sound like a martyr, like you've wrapped your whole identity up in your family for years and now you need your freedom. You didn't need to do that then, and you don't need to do that once you become a grandparent either.

Hi mum, is that you?

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So why doesn't your Auntie say no to her DD once in a while if she wants too see you alone so badly?

We don’t have any grandparent childcare, yet both sets of grandparents enjoy spending time with their GC and vice versa. I really don’t understand the outrage you sometimes see on here from people who expect their parents to look after their GC!

Firstly, no guns involved, would be almost impossible for her to obtain a FAL where they live.

Secondly, my Auntie complains that she rarely gets to see me and wants to see me more. However, whenever we arrange to meet she ALWAYS has the children, and the last time I grinned and bared it, they broke a gift I had just bought for my children. Which was not replaced.

Thirdly, my Auntie NEVER gets a break, she is EXHAUSTED from it and run ragged, she WANTS to see me and spend time with me once per year when I am there to visit, but sadly and frustratingly, she is never without these children because of her daughter's demands.

So, instead of calling me entitled, when it's my Auntie who actually is asking to see me because she loves me, perhaps realise that it's her demanding daughter who is the entitled one. My Auntie spends a small fortune on days out for these children and the daughter does not pay for any of it. My cousin has always been a user and a taker, she does it to my own parents too.

Just be honest with your children about this. My mum loves spending time with me and my daughter, but I never expect any money or babysitting from her. Some times we see her once a month, it can be less frequently than that depending when it is good for her.

She is the same as you, spent a lot of her life raising children and doesn't want to raise her grandkids too. I'm happy for our relationship to be on her terms - she gave so much of her life for me already, I can't expect it as an adult too!

You have a choice but I can’t help but find this attitude sad and indicative of the decline of community and duty/responsibility to each other in the U.K.

People can disagree with me and I’m sure this thread will have many who do.

My view is, if your family is loving, safe and stable, you do what you can to support them. I am in my 30s and provide caring support for my grandma, who looked after me once a week as a child. My parents have my children twice a week so I can work full time and save money. I 100% envisage myself supporting them in their older age, and would expect my DC to be involved in offering whatever love/support/time they can in line with their lives, location and work etc. To me, that is the spirit of community, and the family unit.

I love England, and would never want to live elsewhere but I think this is one big area where we fall down as a country and it adds to the lack of connection, contribution to society and commitment that I see in the younger generations I work with.

Well as MN constantly tells us women choose to have children and put up with all the shit that comes along with it, this also includes potentially having grandchildren and potentially not being looked after by your children in your old age.

Or do these arguments about women choosing to have DC and therefore cannot complain about any downsides only apply to people with young DC?

Whats it to you if she dotes on her grandchildren.

Yeah this does my head in too. The daft memes people put up about their grandkids make me like...🙄And some of them post things that suggest they have 'never known love like it,' and it seems they like/love their grandchildren more than they love/loved their own children, which I find a bit weird.

One woman I know posts between 10 and 15 posts a week about her 3 grandchildren. They're called Nora, Luke, and Lily. She calls them, 'Little Applecrumble Nora' and Lukeyboy-BooBoo, and LilyLooLooLicks. It makes me want to tear my eyes out with a screwdriver every time I see these stupid twatty names. She is utterly obsessed with these 3 grandchildren (all 3 to 5 y.o.) and sees them 3-4 times a week. (I unfollowed her recently!)

Her 2 DC (in their early 30s) live within 5-10 minutes walk from her, and they are afraid to move away as she kicks off every time they mention moving, even 2-3 miles away, and I don't think they even dare NOT visit 3-4 times a week.

Perfectly OK to love your grandchildren, and want to see them sometimes, but some people seem obsessed and it's a bit weird. Makes me wonder why. One woman at my brother's workplace had an argument with the manager who wanted her to change her hours slightly. She said 'I can't and I won't. I have my grandson on that day!' Sorry luv, you can't have special treatment because you are your grandson's childminder! 🙄

You get to choose what kind of grandparent you want to be.

my mums mum was really involved, she watched us while my mum worked, she had us after school, I can remember her being really grumpy and shouty

my dads mum was the fun gran, she took us shopping, got my ears pierced(without consulting my mum) was always slipping us money (like a drug dealer, undercover so my mum didn’t know) she camped in the garden with us and played tennis and bowls in the garden, we had picnics in the garden and she took us on holidays. She swore like a trooper too.

my own mum is like my dads mum, she is the fun gran who goes to dance shows, takes them on days out, meets them for lunch whereas my mil only ever saw our children at her home, she’d rarely see them outside , visiting was a bit of a chore, we visited and they watched tv.

I'm not the main character of anything. Life is about relationships and connections. Your nothing without these things. No wonder the worlds fucked. I've 2 teens and I've got so much time...if they have kids I will have had 20 years of my time. How much do you need you old cabbages.

Yes you can absolutely be the main character in your own life. Just don't expect to be the main character in their lives later on down the line !!

Exactly. What a daft comment from @TwiceForLunch 🙄 I don't give a shiny shite what people think of me having the audacity to put myself before other people, for the first time in nearly 30 years (and not be full time childminder and babysitter for any grandchildren!) 😱'Main Character Syndome' indeed. As you say, we are entitled to be the main character in our own lives FGS.

Wow. I'm obviously in the minority here but I would be really upset if I'd told my parents I was having a child and their reaction was like yours. I have 3 children and my mum and dad are always asking me to bring them round because we are a really close family. They also offered to have my son 2 mornings a week so I didn't have to lose all my wages on childcare so I wasn't working to just pay nursery. No pressure from me at all, they really enjoy having him and they prioritise helping me as I'm still their child. I'd do exactly the same for all my kids. I'm not saying you have to provide care 5 days a week but you sound really negative and to be honest bitter? You can go on a cruise etc and not be a part of your grandkids life but don't expect any help or attention or involvement in xmas or birthdays later on when you decide you're now interested.

They're not "useless", it's just a shame you can't trade them in for other grandparents 😂.

Given that increasingly there are a lot of older people who won't get to be grandparents and who would have wanted this, there's definitely a case to be made for setting up some kind of 'volunteer' organisation for would-be grandparents. Children don't have a right to involved grandparents, no, but they gain so much from them. It ought to be possible to swap uninterested grandparents for "grandparents" who want to be involved.