Not wanting grandchildren

I think expecting full time care for your kids from your parents is such a selfish thing to do. My friend's sister does this. Drops her 2 kids over every weekday morning to her parents at 7am and collects at 6.30. That couple don't get a lie in, has to be on, all day every day and it has taken it's toll on her. It's bloody wrong. You see them in Tesco, frazzled older people trying to wrestle a two year old into a trolley and looking frazzled. All day, every day. Selfish, entitled and wrong. A couple of days a week absolutely but anyone who sends their kids to their parents every day, full time needs a good slap.

I’m not saying I wouldn’t DO it, just that I’m not looking forward to it

OP didn't say she wants nothing to do with future grandchildren.

@Neurodiversitydoctor my df absolutely adore my 4dc and can't do enough for them (dm to a lesser extent). They didn't help when they were very young (I didn't need it as SAHM and they were working full time) but they can't do enough now. I think my late db and myself have been a disappointment to them especially dm so they enjoy having such wonderful gc. My dc are aged 17 to 34.

Don’t worry OP. My parents do absolutely nothing for me or my children. They provide no support or interest in my life and only seek to have my support of them and their issues.

It’s one of the many reasons I have no contact with them anymore. So now you’ve done all your parenting - you can be rid of them altogether.

Sadly for my kids, they’ll always be tied to me as I oddly want to be a positive support for them forever

The issue is when grandparents with attitudes to GC like yourself then get upset/take it personally when their children and GC don’t want to spend birthdays/Christmases etc with them. Similarly, don’t be offended when the grandparents on your DC’s husband/wives side DO want to make the effort meaning than the DC grow up being much closer to that side of the family.

It’s all give and take. Grandparents that make more of an effort to spend time with GC and to help out where needed will foster a closer relationship with their DC and DGC and I’m sure will reap the rewards of that.

You can’t have it both ways.

@Milker neither did I - I would help them even if they hadn't provided childcare for me - because I love them and it is nice to help people you love.

You literally said "They think their children are, special circumstances aside, perfectly capable of looking after themselves and any children they might have" if that wasn't supposed to be rude I think you are absolutely kidding yourself.

You can nurture friendships without being close to family.

I wasn't 'insulting you'. I was pointing out that closeness and mutual care among families expresses itself in many ways, and doesn't necessarily include day to day childcare, regardless of anyone's finances.

My parents are 79 and 82 and I help them out, like my siblings. They have never done childcare for my DS, even after we moved to live close to them. My siblings don't have children. It's not some kind of weird quid pro quo of intergenerational obligation.

This is so polar opposite to my mum but equally I get it. We don't take the Mick with her at all, I am self employed for this reason but she helps hugely as husband was often deployed when first one was little. Childcare changes massively help take that pressure off now financially , some abs take the piss with their parents though. One set of grandparents don't do any of that however but I appreciate how involved the other set want to be. I acknowledge how grateful I am to the other set and let's hope the world is a slightly better place if mine choose too have children but we will hopefully find a balance between our life and helping them x

@Milker what a strange way to attempt to insult someone. I am perfectly capable of managing my childcare by myself, we could comfortably afford to pay for nursery if needed.

My parents help me because they love me and my children and they want to, not because me or my husband are incapable, and it is nice to help the people you love - even if it isn't "necessary"

My grandparents could afford to pay for a home help, they are also able to do cleaning, light garden work and get on the bus to do their food shopping, they don't need to because me and all their other grandchildren love them and want to help them.

What a negative perspective you have on having a community and helping others.

I’ve voted unreasonable because I just think you should give yourself a break! It sounds like your kids are barely or not even 18. It would be nuts to be thinking about grandkids. I left home at 18 and didn’t have my first until 30 - my mum had a decade of having fun and doing what she wanted. Now she loves being a grandparent, offers holiday cover due to distance but it’s entirely what she wants to do

You can still have a life. I’ve got 5 grandchildren, all adult now, and I’ve led my own life as well.

Being a gran was just one part of my life.

You can be as involved, or not, as you want to be. 🤷‍♀️

As a grandparent you have the choice to be as involved or not involved as you choose. If you don't want to used for childcare or baby sitting then don't do it.

My children have 3 sets of grandparents as my parents separated when I was young. My mum still works and live 3-4 her drive away so she just sees us and the kids when they visit and haven't babysat ever on the 5 years kids have been alive.

My dad also works and just visits the kids when he wants, never asked him to babysit and probably wouldn't tbh as not sure he would cope with both alone.

My partner's parents are both retired but they never offered childcare and we never asked, they have babysat for us a couple of times but literally just sat here and watched TV while kids in bed as we sort them before we have gone out.

Yes we don't have much time away from the kids but they are young, and it will come as they get older. We have had my sil babysit the two times we have been out in the day time.

Basically what I'm getting at is just do what you are comfortable with, don't offer if not committed, as hard to take it back after. Just do the fun bits and hand them back when had enough.

If you don't want to get involved in childcare make that clear when they are born.
It is not compulsory.
DW and I do very little for our DGS. Nobody minds.

Yeah this does my head in too. The daft memes people put up about their grandkids make me like...🙄And some of them post things that suggest they have 'never known love like it,' and it seems they like/love their grandchildren more than they love/loved their own children, which I find a bit weird.

DS (DGC1 on both sides) is 21 both grandmothers absolutely dote on him and support him far more with far fewer expectations ( think housing, taking him out for meals, finacial support through University) than they did for their own children. I think they might admit they love him more or maybe in just a different sort of less transactional way.

You don't have to do any of those things..

But why? You don't have to look after them unless you want to!

In the 70s it was unlikely that a woman who was a grandmother went out to work, so she would be available to 'help out'. That's not the case now, since we have all become cogs in the economic machine. Your children are your responsibility. Set up a babysitting circle run on points, look at your work/life balance and see if you need one parent to be part-time or to work shorter weeks. Employ someone to clean your house.

I’m 60, and none of my adult children, but in particular my daughter, seem ready for children yet.
I really WANT to be a grandma; I am so envious of my friends who already have grandchildren, but, I also want my kids to have a better life than I have. My daughter is in a good career, and is on an upward path and I’m so pleased for her…. But I guess I’ll just have to wait…..I just don’t want to be too old to help out when she and my son in law DO decide to have children ( which they have said they want at some point)!

I’m with you. I have 3 kids and I’m really hoping they don’t have 3 each!

It isn't so much that it's transactional, just that by the time you are of an age to need care, your children may feel much the same way that you do, that they want to have time to themselves and not be tied down by caring for you. Would you accept that, or would you feel hard done by? If the latter, then I think that you are being hypocritical.

its entirely up to you how much you are involved with your grandchildren and how much you wish to support your children. You can set boundaries.

I'm from the generation where we were palmed off each summer/school holiday to our grandparents, now our parents don’t wish to be involved with their grandchildren.

You don’t need to be involved or support your children as you enjoy living your life, but don’t expect us to provide care and support to you when you may need it in the future.

from the generation who miss their grandparents and are recovering from generational trauma caused by their own parents.

I think you have a right to vent and not want the responsibility to look after any more children. But your kids are their own people and will make their own choices regarding family.
Like many others said, you have no obligation towards your kids to look after your future grandchildren. I raised my kids with almost no help from my parents as I moved to another country. My mum looked after my eldest a handful of times , my eldest is 21 now. And seen my youngest also a handful of times due to her getting old and frail.
We managed on our own just my husband and I. Our parents got to be grandparents without the burden of really looking after their grandchildren as a job or responsibility. Many families raise their own children without involving their parents in childcare.
Of course you should take time off and enjoy your time kids free. I plan to do the same.
But you can't really impose yourself in choices your adult children make regarding family.

My mum has always been a handsome on nan whilst my husbands mum has always been a visit a few times a year nan. Whilst she lives slightly closer than my mum at 5 minutes in the car compared to mine about 10 minutes away. They each have their own style. We have never expected help from either. Ironically the mil helps out with our nice and nephew an hour away much more than with our children. Mind you ours are now almost adults.

So she could just say no if she really didn't want to do it. You're not Aunties priority, which is quite normal.