Didn’t get promoted and am devastated - please help

Go for the feedback, even though it’s likely to be quite hard to take, you might hear some uncomfortable truths. Possibly the step up in experience was bigger than it might have appeared. Early in your career especially, it can be easy to underestimate how much extra you’re taking on and how different the expectations and responsibilities are. I’d say as a positive sign if your manager is encouraging you to have the feedback conversation that’s generally a good thing. Suggests that they’re looking to help you possibly and that they want to invest a bit of time and effort in you. I know from my experience that getting feedback after an unsuccessful interview is often something you have to push for and even if you do get it, you often just hear a bunch of empty platitudes that don’t really tell you anything. And don’t just rush for another job.

It’s very hard not to take feedback personally

one thing I read decades ago now, which helped me, was that you don’t have to take responsisiblty for the feedback and opinions behind it (not unless there’s a stash of data showing you’ve significant performance issues) , but you do need to take accountability for fixing it.

in other words you don’t have to agreee with what’s said. But focus instead on the so-what’s that need to happen to change that persons (one giving feedback) perceptions.

it also helps massively when you realise that people giving feedback can be asked to support and provide help in fixing that issue. Frankly if they refuse they look like complete wassocks in saying you need to do this, and then refusing to help fix it- and worse if they’re your actual manager

go in with a view you’ll probably apply for something else, but maybe it might help with self awareness that some wretched people view a particualrly aspect of your performance/ behaviour in a certain way

also pin them down to specific examples - what was situation, what was your role they expected of you, what did they perceive you did/did not do, and what was result to business. If they can’t do that you can merely shrug it off with a “they’re a wassock making personal criticism “

for instance I had a bullying boss..one of comments he made was about “people don’t like tone of your voice”…so I ask which people (he was evasive and therefore had no clear evidence), I asked what is was about tone of voice - and pushed and pushed him to be specific saying I needed to know to fix it, until he eventually said it was high pitched or sometimes nasally …so I said I’d write down in my performance document that I needed a voice coach (aka Margaret thatcher) and that I expected him to ensure HR would get funding for it….well off course he backtracked…he was just bullying and making personal attacks. But I did write it down, and refused to take it out and it went on to provide evidence for his bullying. along with numerous other examples of his personal critiques of my character.

you never know, Boss may come up with some sincere and insightful comments that you haven’t realised, and whatever you decide to do that’ll be useful learning for future.

I realise you’re devastated…but I think with changing outlook to taking accountability to change his perception whilst not having to taking it responsisiblty for his opinion, might help you go into meeting with curiousity and some degreee of emotional resilience needed.

I think not attending is not a good idea. If you can’t move jobs immediately they’ll see it as no longer interested in development. You are, you’ve just had a lock in teeth.

There are some really twatty comments all over MN today. Like this one.

I put in huge amounts of effort and some unpaid overtime as I have a genuine passion for what I do.

Honestly, stop doing this. It's bad for your work-life balance. And companies end up expecting it. It's completely a lose-lose situation for you.

Why are you doing unpaid overtime? It is illegal to work for free for a company like it's illegal to be paid less than minimum wage

I put in huge amounts of effort and some unpaid overtime as I have a genuine passion for what I do.

They will very likely want to keep you where you are for this reason, you already go above and beyond, without the seniority and paycheck that demands it.

I was always like you (still am, but now work for myself) and employers WILL take advantage of this, it can potentially lead to advancement, and one of the things it can do if you progress in your knowledge base in all areas and experience is that it makes you indispensable, it's not a bad position to be in, but it may also mean that you never progress because they know your loyalty lies with them.

I'd ask him for the feedback in an email if he would if you really don't want a face to face, it may be useful for the future, but try not to be too disheartened, there may be some skills/advantages that the outside candidates will bring that are absolutely no reflection on you and the job you do.

Maybe because you are doing such a good job, he is worried about having to backfill your current role.

I would arrange to do the feedback session when you've had a few days to get used to not geting the promotion. You'll get more out of it then.
I'd use that info and feedback to help you get a better job externally. Being overlooked at work isn't nice but you channel your energy into geting something better elsewhere.

It’s a competitive process. Internal candidates have advantages and disadvantages (you can’t gild the lily).

Get the feedback it sounds like it’s coming from a good place. But that’s up to you.

Years ago this happened to me, but the reverse, I was taking a step back, so had all the experience they wanted (and possibly more). The person who was disappointed made my life difficult for a time, refused to help me. In the end it was fine. They went on to get a promotion. We’re still friends.

This happened to me recently. Pushed by senior management to apply for the promotion and they made it sound like it was a slam dunk. I didn’t get it. Came a close second. I also was devastated. In my anger I applied for another job elsewhere which was actually a step up, extra money and better perks. Didn’t think I had a chance. I start in 3 weeks 😁

It’s bitter sweet as I love my team but the lack of support in me and my development really made me think about where I wanted to be. My new job has massive progression opportunities too.

My advice, take the feedback and start looking elsewhere.

Tbh I would take this as a learning experience to never get that emotionally invested in a job. No matter how nice the role:your bosses are on a day to day basis, if push came to shove money will always come first, they would get rid of you at the drop of a hat.

I can understand you being disappointed? But it sounds like this goes much deeper - maybe time to assess why that’s so and consider if you’re over invested with you job

It is a tough situation and one I have been in several times (excellent feedback but never got the promotion). I stayed at the same employer and am almost at retirement age now but if I could advise my younger self and indeed you I would suggest you look elsewhere (while continuing to do a great job - you sound like you would anyway). Think about what you want from a job - for me I stayed for the great pension and also flexibility but I definitely could have gone higher if I had made the leap. Go for it and good luck. On a positive note I am about to reap the reward of the pension so at least that bit worked out! X

See him as arranged. Listen to what he says and then put your case to him. If you are thinking of moving on, any criticism on his part will help you decide.

Time to move on, OP. Your manager doesn't appreciate you but another company will. In my experience, it's easier to get promoted by moving on than waiting for something to come up internally, however good you are at your job. Organisations like to keep people who are good at their jobs in those jobs! If it ain't broke, don't fix it etc etc.

@EnidSpyton makes very good points.

You thought/assumed you were going to get the job. You were given that impression, so I don’t blame you.

Since when is encouraging someone to apply the same as giving the impression that the job is a given? It's not.

i'd also suggest looking for another job in the more senior position you applied for, and relaxing a little more in your current role knowing the "above and beyond" part is no longer required from you as it doesn't = promotion.

it will be a real kick in the teeth if they expect you to show the externals how to do the role in any kind of training

as with most careers dont burn your bridges though just quietly try and find somewhere else that will appreciate your talents.

Was it just your manger who interviewed or somebody else too? Were they independent? If so it’s actually harder to promote an internal applicant sometimes, especially somebody in your own team, as you have to be seen to not be bias. It sounds like the other 2 candidates were just stronger than you on the day/in general and if that’s the case your manager couldn’t justify offering you the position.

You will only know though if you actually speak to him and get his feedback.

Some people are more sensitive than others and its difficult being rejected. Don't listen to people shaming you for that. You need to try and ignore your emotions and just carry on and eventually you will get there.

I'd get the feedback from your manager, maybe give it a week. Practice at interviews does make you better. It feels so personally but it isn't. I have to tell myself this as well, you aren't alone.

It took me ages to pass my driving test, I'd fail, get depressed for a few days and I just kept going and in the end passed and I never think about it now.

Just keep going. Look for more positions internally and externally.

You love and are invested in your career. That’s a good thing! You thought/ assumed you were going to get the job. You were given that impression, so I don’t blame you. However, you didn’t. Take it on the chin, realise we are nothing without being able to handle disappointment or rejection. Get used to it. Crack on with your career, listen to the feedback and take it on board. Be a trouper, big smile and work out if you want to stay in the company or not. Managing a team is hard work and maybe the people chosen were more experienced. You sound great and good at your job. Handing rejection, helping yourself through it, is a life skill. Keep going! You’ll be stronger as a result of this.

You have my sympathy @downcast

This happened to me I was doing the job was asked to apply by the senior management (I didn’t really want to) interviewed they left me hanging for 3 weeks before saying no we’ve given it to someone else…there were 2 applicants!

the feedback I received was I wasn’t experienced enough for the role that’s it all they could give me

I was completely blindsided by it and was left feeling under appreciated and it knocked my confidence as I was already doing the job (I got another role within 2 weeks of interviewing) when they asked why I leave if I told them.

I’ve now heard that the person they have hired isn’t performing and they are looking to get rid of them no idea how true that is but that’s what I’ve been told by members of my old team…

I’d accept the feedback meeting.
Listen to feedback and thank them for giving feedback.
It may be the external candidates had a specific qualification or experience that pipped you to post. Would company be willing to support you getting that qualification etc. Could you be involved with some projects to gain experience.
Even if you decide to leave the feedback will be useful for your applications.
Things move on. It may be newbies don’t work out or another role comes up. How you behave will be noted (I’ve seen situation where unsuccessful internal candidates behaviour cemented thoughts correct decision to made - not senior material if behaving like that) Refusing a feedback meeting isn’t professional.

If you can't face criticism, you won't progress.

Go along, put a professional face on and listen to what he has to say. You may well disagree with what he says and wish to look elsewhere, and that's absolutely fine and your decision to make but your desire to avoid critical feedback and your premature dismissal of anything he has to say won't help you get anywhere.

Hmm, my experience with this kind of set up is that there was never a chance of them taking on the internal candidate. They just needed to tick a box and take on the two external candidates they always meant to take on...

I would definitely get the feedback, it could be really useful. Clearly you didn’t do as well as you thought, and you need to gain insight into that, as it will help you next time.

I agree with PP I would start applying for jobs in other organisations.