Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How do tou remove an abuser

34 replies

Blodyneighbour · 09/07/2025 00:43

My friend is in an abusive relationship. She is a Tennant of social housing and has moved her partner in about six years ago. Basically, she had him living there pretty quick.
There are no kids involved as they left home when this man moved in.
He isn't on the tenancy agreement.
But my poor friend has been beaten up by this brute on numerous occasion and she did all the right things, she contacted women's aid when he broke her arm last year. He also put her in hospital the year before. (She said she fell over) and had her cheekbone broken.

Well last year when he broke her arm she had domestics come ti see her as she finally admitted he hurt her, so women's aid were intouch.

Now here is what we don't understand, although she was intouch with women's aid, they were telling her to move out of her home!
This is solely her name on the tenancy agreement.
They also gave her advice about when she calls the police to dial a certain number, she also had her house marked.
Anyway, she did have to call the police last month as he cornered her and was kicking her. She did what she was told to do but no one came out to her!
She has now resigned to just getting used to it and women's aid told her they are signing her off as she isn't interested in reporting him.

I'm so worried for her, she never told women's aid she called the police as she thinks its just not important.
This man has tried to choke her twice now. She was referred to marek. But they say she is the one who need to move when its her house!

Me and my partner can't keep having her turn up whenever she is abused.
Help please

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
PollieDarton · 10/09/2025 10:26

Why are the police not removing him from her property? That doesn’t make sense? It’s not his property.

BabyCatFace · 11/07/2025 05:27

Ah there you go
she can be given all the advice in the world but if she doesn't actually want to break up with him it doesn't matter.
Maybe time for you to put some boundaries in?

maddening · 11/07/2025 00:39

Oops sorry saw the update - hopefully she can get her mind straight so.she doesn't let the fucker back in.

maddening · 11/07/2025 00:37

Could she ask the council to move her to a new property and then just leave him by moving to the new property without him - with a good crew a bunch of friends could move her stuff out while he is out at work or the pub.

Original poster
Blodyneighbour · 11/07/2025 00:17

Thank you all so much for your replies
She's here again. She went home the next day and he had taken all his stuff.
She thinks he's gone back to his ex. He took everything but left his mobile phone.
So here I am again, looking after her dog as it won't settle as she's snoring her head off!
And she has been in tears now cos he's left her!

OP posts:
BabyCatFace · 09/07/2025 06:03
  • she can report assaults at any time, there is no time limit.
  • she doesn't need an occupation order if she's not married, he has no right to occupy the property
  • if she flees DV she can apply for housing in a new area and will be accepted, but she may not be able to take the dogs or have the same security of tenancy
  • if she reports his abuse to the police they will arrest him and put bail conditions in place. If he breaches them he will be arrested again. Eventually he will be remanded to custody. This is the route she needs to take if she isn't willing to move out.
parietal · 09/07/2025 05:52

Now that she is safe at your home, can she go back to the police with a list of all the events? If he gets arrested and charged, she can get her home back.

savagedaughter · 09/07/2025 02:37

Blodyneighbour · 09/07/2025 01:08

Thank you.
I told her that too. Also as selfish as it sounds, I just don't want him turning up at my house.

Show quote history

That does NOT sound selfish. Don't put yourself at risk for her, when she is refusing to protect herself. Does he know where you live?

It's not cruel or unkind to accept that some women will not prioritise their safety. If, after all this, she won't take the advice of experts and they have had to give up on her, you might have to as well.

Are you willing to die for her?

Original poster
Blodyneighbour · 09/07/2025 02:32

FuckNugget69 · 09/07/2025 02:24

Me again!

Was this documented? Also how many of her injuries has she received medical attention for?

Show quote history

Two as far as I know. The broken cheekbone she was in hospital for 4 days with an operation. But she said she fell over. The br9ken arm was documented as DV and that's when women's aid got involved.she dod eventually tell them about the previous injury.
But she keeps coming here after he abuses her then goes bavk to him.
So frustrating
Thanks for all the replies everyone

OP posts:
FuckNugget69 · 09/07/2025 02:24

Blodyneighbour · 09/07/2025 01:32

Another thing she said, ,,,she had her cheekbone broken in 2023. And she is worried it's too late to report it. But she really wants to.
I thought there was a two yr period for reporting this sort of thing. So if anyone knows, would be very helpful thanks.

Me again!

Was this documented? Also how many of her injuries has she received medical attention for?

FuckNugget69 · 09/07/2025 02:22

Blodyneighbour · 09/07/2025 01:21

Never hurt the dog. I think if he did she would leave anyway. But he seems to love the dog

Edited
Show quote history

That's a little reassuring to hear.

Although us humans are weird because I think in the situation if my dogs were hurt that would be the final straw. Crazy that we love them more than ourselves

FuckNugget69 · 09/07/2025 02:17

Avalovelace · 09/07/2025 01:20

She needs to get an Occupation Order. The NCDV can advise.

Good point.

Totally slipped my mind.

Although whether it'll prevent who knows but it's always a good idea.

FuckNugget69 · 09/07/2025 02:16

One random thing that literally just popped into my head.

If she flees SHE NEEDS TO TURN HER LOCATION OFF ON HER PHONE

Sorry to shout. But something people don't think about and abusers will often be sly and use tracking apps without the woman's knowledge.

Original poster
Blodyneighbour · 09/07/2025 01:32

Another thing she said, ,,,she had her cheekbone broken in 2023. And she is worried it's too late to report it. But she really wants to.
I thought there was a two yr period for reporting this sort of thing. So if anyone knows, would be very helpful thanks.

OP posts:
Original poster
Blodyneighbour · 09/07/2025 01:21

FuckNugget69 · 09/07/2025 01:10

Not at all selfish. Just very wise.

To your knowledge has he ever hurt the dog? If so that's also another huge red flag for domestic homicide.

I know some refuges can provide for pets too if that's also a concern.

I understand the worry about tenancy but her life is far more important. Housing can be replaced. She cannot.

Show quote history

Never hurt the dog. I think if he did she would leave anyway. But he seems to love the dog

OP posts:
Avalovelace · 09/07/2025 01:20

She needs to get an Occupation Order. The NCDV can advise.

Original poster
Blodyneighbour · 09/07/2025 01:18

Thank you for all your replies. She is now sleeping in my spare room as she fled when he told her her she was a fucking ugly cunt and no one would ever want her and he was going to fuck things up.

Her dog is here too.

OP posts:
MiloMinderbinder925 · 09/07/2025 01:16

Blodyneighbour · 09/07/2025 01:08

Thank you.
I told her that too. Also as selfish as it sounds, I just don't want him turning up at my house.

Show quote history

She can have the dog fostered and speak to her HA regarding domestic abuse. If she has a housing officer they'd be able to advise.

Many women in abusive relationships are in complete denial and WA can't help her if she won't act. Sounds like they had a refuge space ready. She needs to leave tonight.

FuckNugget69 · 09/07/2025 01:13

I've just realised I've probably just outed myself.

But if it helps someone it's worth it.

So tell her she absolutely needs to take action... Even just for me 😂

Sorry. I have a weird sense of humour!

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 09/07/2025 01:12

I think there are ways to get orders to keep him away, but she would need evidence. It sounds like she has plenty though. Rights of Women might be a good shout.

FuckNugget69 · 09/07/2025 01:10

Blodyneighbour · 09/07/2025 01:08

Thank you.
I told her that too. Also as selfish as it sounds, I just don't want him turning up at my house.

Show quote history

Not at all selfish. Just very wise.

To your knowledge has he ever hurt the dog? If so that's also another huge red flag for domestic homicide.

I know some refuges can provide for pets too if that's also a concern.

I understand the worry about tenancy but her life is far more important. Housing can be replaced. She cannot.

Original poster
Blodyneighbour · 09/07/2025 01:08

MiloMinderbinder925 · 09/07/2025 01:03

OK. What this means is she's been assessed as very high risk of homicide. She can't be kept safe and I'm assuming she doesn't want to make a statement so there's not much the police can do.

She could get a non molestation order for example, but it's unlikely to deter him and could escalate the situation. If it were me, I'd run for my life.

Show quote history

Thank you.
I told her that too. Also as selfish as it sounds, I just don't want him turning up at my house.

OP posts:
FuckNugget69 · 09/07/2025 01:07

MiloMinderbinder925 · 09/07/2025 01:03

OK. What this means is she's been assessed as very high risk of homicide. She can't be kept safe and I'm assuming she doesn't want to make a statement so there's not much the police can do.

She could get a non molestation order for example, but it's unlikely to deter him and could escalate the situation. If it were me, I'd run for my life.

Show quote history

Just coming to say the same. The choking absolutely counts her as a sever risk for domestic homicide.

I know that's scary to hear as her friend but it's a fact.

She is VERY high risk and she absolutely needs to get out of there before it's too late.

Tell her to pack a bag with her absolute essentials (medication, passport and other such important items, ideally clothing and toiletries) I'd prioritise the medication above all else as the rest can be replaced or provided easily.

If needs be just get the fuck out of there and to a place of safety. Call WA and they'll arrange to get her to a refuge quickly and safely.

I'm not being dramatic but the risks are very real.

Original poster
Blodyneighbour · 09/07/2025 01:05

FuckNugget69 · 09/07/2025 01:01

So to be very blunt and clear (apologies this really isn't a judgmental post at all) if I'm understanding she's been told to flee because of imminent risk but is refusing as it's her tenancy?

I completely understand why she doesn't want to (and by rights why should she?!) but it sounds as though agencies are offering help but she's effectively refusing by not fleeing?

It would seem that is her only option and if she won't do it I'm not sure what else can be done in all honesty.

If she presses charges is there a chance he will be held on remand so at least she may be placed into emergency housing by her LA?

If not then as I see it her only option is to flee. As shitty as that choice is!

I really hope she can get some sort of resolution. It's an awful situation

Thank you. Yes she has been told to flee but worried about her tenancy

OP posts: