My husband is pushing our daughter away I don’t know what to do

Your DH is out of order. He can’t tell you or DD what to do. It’s understandable she doesn’t want to see her dad but you need to establish a way of seeing her.

It is actually considered abuse. I have been a voluteer at a women's shelter for years now and during my training this was discussed. It's seen as a threat to whoever is present when you do it and I would say that for the vast majority of domestic abuse victims I have spoken to the abusive behavior started with the man destroying things around them or deliberately hurting themselves. It then took anything from a few weeks to many years before they started directing their violence towards their spouse.

It is definitely a very bright red flag and the most cunning of the abusers are able to wait years before they turn on their spouse. Just long enough for them to be invested in them and isolated from loved ones.

I disagree. I've been present when two different male friends have punched a wall in frustration. One is my best friend of 20 years, dvd the kindest of people. Neither of them would hurt a fly. Their frustration was entirely at themselves, and while something like that is hard to witness, I don't think that the action could be called abuse in either case.

I can see that it would be in some situations, particularly if it was a 'see what you made me do?' thing in an already complex and difficult relationship, but that's not what I'm picking up here.

Your husband isn’t helping here is he.
The ‘not under my roof’ attitude always just drives people closer together.
Keep in close contact with your daughter so she knows she’s got a safe space to run to if she needs to.
Punching anything is never a story that ends well.

I get the feeling he’s a perfectionist and struggles to emotionally regulate when it comes to himself.

What happens if your daughter gets pregnant? His children will be an extension of himself. If they fail to live up to his standards and he is unable to stop his rages and physical violence towards himself, what do you think his attitude to them will be?

Great point!

hey op
Sounds like both men are controlling and abusive, your daughter has found someone just like her dad, because that’s what was “normal” for her growing up, you like him and find him sweet because he reminds you of your husband and you’re willing to explain and excuse away some massive red flags.
Both controlling men are now trying to control your daughter, hopefully your daughter sees through this and can start developing healthy relationships.

Interesting you aren’t addressing any of the comments about how controlling your husband is. He is forcing you to lose contact with your daughter. He is forcing his daughter to stay away from the family home. That she won’t come without his approval is very telling.

If my husband decided my daughter could not be around him with her boyfriend, it would be him who would be staying out of the family home. Permanently.

My sister lived with someone who actually abused her.

At the time I really wanted my parents to react like your husband, but they didn't - they maintained contact with my sister and her partner as a couple and treated him with civility. And in the end it was this that saved my sister, when she eventually realised that her life wouldn't be worth living if she stayed with her partner she was able to turn to my parents for help. Had they 'blackballed' her partner, my sister would have become so much more isolated and at risk.

Your husband isn't an idiot, OP, he's scared for his daughter and doesn't know what to do, and is doubling down on doing this in the hope that he snaps her out of it. Maybe you could come up with a better way to support her, and maybe your DH would be less confrontational about this if he felt supported by you or felt like you could see what he sees. TBH I think you should be more worried about the boyfriend than you are. Your DH has the measure of him and is trying to protect his daughter, he's just going about it the wrong way. Not everyone is an expert on domestic violence.

Punching an item... It's all the same thing.

Both men sound awful. The boyfriend losing control and being violent is not ok, even if the violence isn’t directed at your daughter (yet). Your husband preventing you from speaking to her is also really concerning and controlling . Who is he to determine what you do?

I’d tell your husband that you will continue to see and speak to her. It’s more important than ever if you’re concerned about the boyfriend. If he can’t handle that you may need to reconsider your own relationship.

Unusually for me I'm inclined to believe that that he is only losing his temper at himself - abusers would be more likely to not do anything like that in front of other people. He does however sound at best very emotionally intense. Without wishing to stereotype a whole massive nation, it doesn't surprise me that he is Russian, culturally it makes sense to me.

Your DH is being a dick though - if as he suspects your DD is in an abusive relationship, pushing her away is fucking childish and an own goal that will push her towards her partner and away from her family who could help her see sense and get her out. He's essentially prioritising his own comfort over what's best to protect his daughter, so he needs to give back any father of the year trophies he was given in the past.

In your shoes I'd focus on doing my best to meet my daughter on her terms. Arrange to meet up with them at a coffee shop, I'd even pay for a hotel for the the night whenever they are nearby to be honest, anything to keep a relationship with DD.

Here is the issue, my husband hates her boyfriend. He is fiery, prone to maybe raising his voice, he has got angry and hurt himself (not really like self harm more like punching something). He’s never hurt our daughter and she is totally in love with him.

But punching things - walls, I assume, or similar - is classed as domestic violence, so I can see her father's pov.

Your husband is an idiot. He needs to be more present for her and more available rather than pushing her away and creating weird rules. He is trying to control the situation and failing. If your DD is in an abusive relationship, you particularly need to be on hand. Better he’s in eye shot and ear shot so you can see what he’s up to and gage danger levels or coercive control. By the sounds of it however your DH is the one with the control issues.

Go see your DD and her partner without your DH. Book a cottage and have your own holiday together. Enjoy being with your DD and get to know the partner. Better the devil you know what’s going on.

Your DH is controlling and selfish.

He needs to manage his discomfort and dislike of the boyfriend for the sake of your dd.

What does he think his rules are going to achieve? It sounds like the rules are only in place for his own self comfort.

Can't he see he is pushing her away? All so he doesn't have to try and deal with his own emotions.

Op if you want to help your DD you need to do whatever it takes to stay in contact with her.

Punching things is a massive red flag. It's often the first stage of aggressive behaviour that escalates. The problem you have though is that your husband is waving as many red flags with his controlling behaviour, to your daughter and to you.
In terms of what to do I think your priorities need to be keeping yourselves safe and keeping the lines of communication open between you and your daughter. Let her know that despite the men in your lives she is always safe with you.

Why are they moving cities every 2-3 weeks? Are they on the run?

Steroids were my first thought too OP.

I think I would have a serious conversation with your DH, and tell him that making her boyfriend feel disliked, and unwelcome, is just pushing her into his arms, leaving her isolated, and feeling that she can't turn to Mum and Dad, if and when something does go wrong.

Far better to kill him with kindness, bend over backwards to make him feel welcome, and then if things do go wrong, you'll be in the loop, and ready to help your daughter pick up the pieces.

At the end of the day, she is 24 years old, and as an adult, has to make her own mistakes, the same way that you and your DH did. Sadly, we can't wrap our kids in cotton wool for ever, much as we might like to, BUT what we can do, is be there for them if and when they need us.