To have lost myself in my marriage

God what a miserable lonely life. We are insanely busy but DH will always come for a walk with me. Or join me for a meal out. We love traveling and walking together. It’s the joy in our marriage.

Lord he sounds selfish and boring. But you are being a bit of a baby here, join local groups, walking, wild swimming, book club, charity kitchen garden etc….so many ways for you to get out. Or get a dog. And yes, speak to him, tell him he is being a selfish knob and you’d also like use of the lounge and TV on set nights or set up a spare room for his gaming.

Is he really the man for you? He's not really participating in the marriage or adding to your life. I couldn't be with a man like this. He sounds incredibly selfish and is making your life very small. Its not ok to take over the living room all night every night. Is he addicted to gaming? Does he work?

You can turn your spare room into a reading room, join hiking clubs and make lots of friends to reconnect back to your old self. That part is easy, and it’s good you have noticed how much your marriage is impacting you. You sound very self aware.

What you can’t fix is the state of your marriage which is a bigger problem. You are not suited to each other at all. He is a coach potato into gaming, and you are an outdoorsy sporty person - you are not well matched at all.

There is a good chance you are going to grow to despise his shallow life, feel desperately lonely in your marriage and he sounds extremely selfish. He could easily BBQ outside, and find ways to enjoy being by the sea for an hour in the shade or to swim. He just can’t be bothered to make you happy. It’s not a priority for him. His gaming addiction is his priority.

The way you describe your evenings, they sound so empty and lonely. You are not spending any time together at all.

I would leave this marriage in your place, life is too short to feel so lonely and be saddled with someone so boring and selfish. He will make a terrible father op, he is barely an adult himself gaming all of the time. He is a man child and not invested in the marriage at all, not even managing the bare basics such as date nights, cooking together, conversation and watching a film or taking a walk together. I would be out. For sure and I’d never look back. This is no life op.

Your marriage sounds somewhat lonely. He won't do any of the things you like and all the things he like are not couple-y (and, it sounds, not things you want to do either?).

How does he show he loves you? How do you show him you love him?

Surely you used to to do stuff together at some point? Are you both no longer interested in whatever it was you did? Have you talked about this at all?

I'm not sure I'd want to spend the rest of my life in a marriage with someone I was so incompatible with in terms of things we liked. Nor with someone who thought it was okay to completely monopolise the lounge every evening. But some people do lead fairly separate lives but still have strong marriages.

If there is actually a good bond between you, you could consider investing in ways to do your things separately but in the same space. You could build an outdoor seating area, protected a bit from the elements, maybe with a heater to extend the seasons you can use it, with an outdoor TV and comfy chairs so you can sit out while he games next to you, for instance.

You also need to look to other people to help you back into doing the things you enjoy. And perhaps consider if there's anyway you could share some of his interests too.

Get divorced. Find someone who shares some of your passions.

My DH is exactly like this…so I go out and do all the stuff you want to do, either by myself or with friends. You might just be looking for validation rather than solutions but honestly, it’s not that hard. I adore my DH, gaming recluse that he is, but also love the life I have outside our relationship. Don’t get caught in the resentment-filled victim spiral and do something about it. I promise, it will add to your relationship, not detract from it - stop waiting for him to become a different person and stop forcing yourself to be other than you are.

What do you do together? Please don’t let him take all the joy from your life, do the things you love with friends or by yourself. Life is short!

Just do the things you want to do, without him..if you can walk an hour each day to the supermarket, why can't you walk at the beach without your husband?

Have you got a spare room ? If you have then put another TV in it and make it cozy for you to sit in.
Could you get a dog for company on your walks ?
See if there are groups you could join.
I don't know how old you are but you could volunteer at a charity shop.
Or get a wee job ?

What attracted you to your husband?

My DH and I have very different taste when it comes to TV, so if he's watching something I don't fancy on the TV in the lounge, I'll watch something on my laptop with headphones, so we still get to sit together. Might that work for you? I know it doesn't actually solve the main issue, but it might help with this particular aspect.

I agree with PPs that you should just start doing the things you love again, if he doesn't want to join you, that's fine - it's not like you're spending oodles of quality time together now, is it?

So many women lose themselves in their husbands, I have done the same and am clawing back from it. Men don't often do the same. Make some friends, go to the beach alone, volunteer, join groups. Fuck him if he doesn't want to do these things! Do you want to die having lived your life a shut in just because your husband is one?

If you don't have children together I would just leave if he was doing this.
If you have children I would tell him he needed to change or you would leave.
I would in either scenario start doing all those things on my own or in groups.

How did you do these things before when single? Is he stopping you? Why are you reliant on him? I know that it’s nice to do things with your person but you can also experience life separately too. He may even see you flourishing and decide to join you one day

And YY to this.
I’d sack him off and go and do all the things you want to do. Get out there and enjoy your location !

If i waited for my husband to do anything with me and my daughter id be waiting forever. Go out on your own, once you start getting out it becomes easier.

If he wants to game he should be doing it elsewhere. Ie in the bedroom, in a spare room (if you have one) or in the shed.
Why does he get to take over the lounge & main TV?

Is there a reason why you can't go into the garden, bedroom or to the beach alone? Are you suffering from anxiety or fear?

you sound like you have no agency in your own life your husband also sounds like a massive bore. Was he like this before you married?

Get a dog. I'm constantly by the sea, on coast paths walking etc

Well who did you do these things with before you met your husband?

Yes, join clubs, learn new things, volunteer, you’ll meet new people and have a great time! My life improved so much when I stopped waiting for my husband to rescue me. I also do things on my own- I go running, cycling, cinema, music things, hillwalking. Life is what you make it, say yes to things, give things a try! My husband says I’m “in too many clubs”, I say “piss off I'll do what I want!”

Can you drive? Join some groups! Outdoorsy ones. Get some new hobbies and friends

Tell him to go sit in the bedroom… is he scary?