To have lost myself in my marriage

Why did you marry someone with whom you have nothing in common. I don’t understand why an outdoorsy person would get together with a gamer?

I wouldn’t be married to a gamer. Is he 15?

My husband asks what I want to do, sometimes he wants to do stuff himself, or we watch a film together. But he always asks or I ask him. Being married requires communication from both parties. OP get stuff happening soon to make you happy!

Gaming, or another person.
Another person taking over your adult life is worse than gaming still, imo.

I remember the loneliness and unhappiness I felt sat under a tree in a park on a beautiful summer day, with a boyfriend who I could tell was there with me under duress. I had had to almost force him to leave the house, open the curtains, and turn his fucking computer off. We sat in the park and I could tell he was feeling like..."What do we do now? Whats the plan? When can we go back home?" whereas I was the type of person that just liked walking for the sake of it to see what might stumble upon on a summer day, and enjoying the sun and fresh air.

It was one of a number of slowly dawning moments where I realised we were incompatible, and I felt incredibly sad to come to that realisation as I loved him very much (and he was so hot) and there were great things about him, but I knew that deep down if I wanted to spend my weekends doing nice things then I'd have to do it single.

Children? No? Walk away. In the future, you realise it was the right decision.

He wants to do absolutely nothing with you. He wants to sit inside and he wants to game. You really have lost yourself and he doesn't care. I don't know how a man like that managed to woo you in the first place but you deserve and need more from life

Spot on. This is not about going up to her bedroom or buying a second tv
or watching Netflix on her phone ffs. This is about his lack of interest in her, and his selfishness.

Yes join all the clubs and make all the friends - always a good thing - but there’s still something deeply wrong with your marriage if your husband can’t even go on a weekly walk with you or even spend an evening in the garden with you because he’s so focused on gaming. And the thing is he wouldn’t even need to miss a whole night of gaming if he went with you on a walk. He could do an hour walk with you and still have time to sit and game. His refusal to compromise is very telling.

I get OPs point but in my experience people tend to run away from the thread if told to LTB.
Thats why I said she should begin by going on her own or finding friends.
But yes, her husband sounds miserable and awful. Like a teenage boy.

I think OP’s point is that she doesn’t want to do these things alone. She wants to share them with someone . And that is understandable .
Being trapped in a lonely marriage is hell .

That is no way to live within a marriage. He wants to do absolutely nothing with you. He wants to sit inside and he wants to game. You really have lost yourself and he doesn't care. I don't know how a man like that managed to woo you in the first place but you deserve and need more from life. Being single is better than this. Being single with friends and maybe a dog is miles better. You only have this life, let him game his away by himself whilst you re-invent yourself. Forget about buying second TV's, he doesn't care about you and what makes your life happy, that's all that you need to know.

Why should she need to be watching Netflix on her little phone why he hogs the big tv every night?! That sounds very unfair and a bit silly as it doesn’t solve the problem of his selfishness and lack of interest
in spending time with her.

I don’t think OP’s situation is common at all. Her husband just seems to want to game and can’t even be kind enough to step into the garden or go for a walk occasionally with her. If lots of women are tolerating that it’s very sad.

Yes many couples may do their own thing to an extent and OP should find her own clubs/groups, but it seems like these two are living separate lives. She walks to the supermarket every night herself for something to do while her husband is sat gaming. He won’t have a BBQ with her or sit out in the garden sometimes for her sake. That’s sad.

I think this is a bit harsh. There's not really anything wrong with gaming and he's probably socialising with his friends. Loads of people spend most evenings slumped in front if the television, at least this is interactive.

Well definitely join some clubs. My husband and I have different interests and after coming out of baby fog I got a bit resentful that he had things to do, then I found things I like doing and I'm really enjoying life! It's made our relationship better.

Also can you not just get netflix on your phone? We're a family of 4 so there's often someone hogging the tv, so if I've not got any plans in the evening I just sit on the sofa reading or watching something on my phone.

It's really common for women to feel like this but you can't give in to it and you need to take control of the situation.

This sounds miserable, i don’t get how adults can let gaming take over their lives. Is this really the person to spend the rest of your life with and potentially bring up kids with?

Yeah It seems some people are missing the point a bit. It’s not really on for her partner to hog the living room like that for his gaming and never bother to do anything she likes. He sounds selfish and uncaring.

There could be at least some compromise, like a weekly walk to the beach or doing something else she likes and watching tv together or just talking in the garden with a tea or wine some evenings instead of gaming - but he seems to have checked out and doesn’t want to spend time with her.

However it’s not so clear why they even got married then? OP hasn’t explained if they were always like this. If he was always like this I’m afraid she knew what she was getting into. And there’s not much she can do to change him at this point.

Or did he lure her in by wining and dining her and pretending to be outgoing and sociable. Would be interesting to know.

Also Op, where is it that you live that he feels he needs to avoid the beach to stay out of the sun? If it’s the UK that’s absurd . Plenty of gloomy days here beachside or not!

I presume his unwillingness to compromise makes you feel lonely and somewhat unhappy.

So he expects you to just sit and watch. If he's doing the antisocial non communal activity, he should br the one doing it in another room. That would drive me to despair.

Make friends, do the things you love with them. Life is too short to waste it like this. He doesn't have to like the same things as you. I'm pale skinned and not the hugest beach lover either but there has to be other things you can do together. If he literally doesn't want to do anything with you then you have a big problem.

Why don't you sit in the garden on your own whilst he is gaming? Sounds like a wonderful way to spend an evening.
You might be martied but you are not joined at the hip. Let him fester inside and get out there!

Find some walking clubs / sea swimming clubs and start making some new friends through those groups. Totally his prerogative not to do those things but your choice to not do them either alone. Start voting with your feet

If you want to watch TV and he wants to use the TV for gaming, then you should take it in turns. I don't really understand why you have completely given up all the things you like instead of doing them by yourself or with other people. It seems like you have subsumed yourself into him and now you resent that. But you did it and you can undo it.

You go for a 2 hour walk to and from the supermarket: you could start by just doing that walk to somewhere interesting like the beach.

@blueberrypuppetsounds like you are married to a teenager and have outgrown this marriage. You know how teenagers don’t want to leave the house as they just want to game instead? Does he give you the ick? There are some ridiculously unkind comments on this thread. Yes, you can do all those things alone, but what’s the point in a husband if you are doing everything alone anyway. You may as well be single and not have him taking up all the room (literally!) I don’t get a sense that he’s ‘there’ or present in your life, at least not whilst plugged in..

Why don't you go to the beach on your own OP?

What did you do together before you got married - did you go on dates, did he show interest in what you like? Did it come as a surprise that he really doesn’t want to do anything?

In your shoes I’d be building a life outside of your marriage. Do the things you want to do, otherwise 40 years will have passed before you know it and your one precious life will have passed you by.

Rescue a dog...company on your walks in the evening and would love the beach am sure. Suggest another set up for the computer in an alternative room. Not your sitting room...rather selfish behaviour every night. Look on fb for walking groups near to your home. If not suggest starting one yourself. There may be others in the same position as you. Good luck.

Just do your own thing.

There's nothing wrong with your husband liking the indoors and gaming. He does need his computer to be somewhere other than your living room though, as it's not fair that you can't watch tv.

Go for a walk. Join a hiking group, running club or wild swimming group (we have all 3 where I live). Get a decent camera and get into landscape photography. Get a weighted vest if you like exercise and do your walks in that. Buy a paddleboard or sea kayak. Get a dog!

I'm out every day doing something active (I have a sedentary job). While DH stays in and games (he has a physical job). We'll watch one programme together each evening, then I get the tv to myself (which I love).

There's no need to lose yourself at all, but you do need to be your own person and not rely on your husband to make it happen.

So…why do you love your husband again..???

You haven’t lost yourself in your marriage, you are being dragged down by a rather pathetic sounding husband. Sorry but sounds like you married the wrong guy.