To have lost myself in my marriage

I wouldn’t normally suggest making an ultimatum but from your updates op, it’s obvious that your dh has a serious addiction. You need to make your mind up about where your boundaries lie op and how you want to respond to this. Imagine this situation staying the same for another ten years. Would you be happy with that?

Even though it’s not alcohol or gambling, this addiction still impacts hugely on your quality of life and that of your dc. He is failing as a husband and father.

Most addictions are about avoiding some problem. So what is your dh running away from op? Childhood trauma? Family life? Depression? Anxiety?

It’s time to have yet another serious discussion but this time say that you are unhappy (use “I” statements). Tell him that you you will be considering a separation if things don’t improve significantly , say by the time the dc return to school in September, as you can’t see this situation improving. You are fed up of only spending proper couples time together a couple of evenings a month, and always on his terms, and of always coming second to a games consul.

Ask him to rate himself out of ten as a dh and father. Tell him his children are waiting for him to step up and that you are not prepared to sit and watch him become more unhealthy and withdrawn from family life and that you want to live in a different way. Ask him if he thinks he is setting a good example for his dc?

And how about asking him to come on holiday with you and the dc this year and leave all the gaming equipment and tech behind? And if you are not going away this year, you could suggest a gaming amnesty during the school holidays of at least a fortnight?

You can get further help and information here:

https://www.cnwl.nhs.uk/national-centre-gaming-disorders

If he laughing when you bring these issues up op, and when you suggest these sorts of strategies, I am afraid that indicates he is either in denial, arrogant, selfish or a combination of all of those things. He can’t have it both ways and expect you all
be around him and then ignore you! Actions speak louder than words op and he is demonstrating that you and the dc are low down in his list of priorities. And you are not obliged to accept that as the status quo.

Carry on and please yourself, even better if your eldest like to join you. Go for a nice evening barefoot walk on the beach or a bike ride if possible where you are.

You never get the time back with the kids, so give them the life you imagined them having.

You're just going to have to leave OH to the gaming for now until he (hopefully) realises he's missing out.

I'm in a similar boat to you, and need to kick myself up the ass and think, no one else is going to change this if I don't!

Sorry OP, I meant going to another room while he games or going for a walk on the beach by yourself. Does he insist you stay and watch him game?

This.

He's addicted. And he's not interested in kicking it..He's like an alcoholic or a drug addict. You can't change him. You can only change yourself.

Come on...you know this is not a good situation.

There is so much life ahead of you. Imagine you're 70 years old and you look back on your life. Is this how you want to spend it?

Whats the worst case scenario if you split up? Your kids spending time with him while he games when they are in his care? Sounds like they do that anyway.

This sounds really sad. Are you sure you wouldn't be happier not being together?/

He is very selfish.

Playing games on his phone while walking and in a restaurant?! This isn't normal OP.

It sounds like he is addicted to gaming. I think you need to have a cards-on-the-table chat with him and lay out, in clear terms, how much this is affecting you and the family, and that it might be the end of the road for you unless something changes.

Suggest some changes and see if it makes a difference - e.g. ask for say 3 nights a week where you spend time together with his games turned off. Or ask him to commit to not bringing his phone on days out. Suggest you all go to Junior Parkrun with the kids for example on a weekend to get some exercise and take a picnic for lunch after. Visit a gym and sign up together perhaps. His reaction to these suggestions will tell you what you need to know. If he has no interest in changing, it would be end of the road for me. Sounds a miserable, depressing life for both of you at the moment.

BBQs, days out, just leaving the house are a normal part of life. You shouldn’t have to feel like it’s a battle just to go out for the day with your family @blueberrypuppet

Youre not asking him to go on a 50 mile hike and swim the Atlantic Ocean.

You’ve voiced how unhappy it makes you, he doesn’t want to do anything about it.

You have two paths to go down. Accept who he is and get on with it or leave and create your own happy.

I am quite an outdoor person. DH less so. But even he joins me on weekends and holidays and for summer walks.

I mean it does kind of read like you had a perfectly good set up where you lived before, then you all moved to the beach because you wanted to (knowing he doesnt like the beach), so it is partially on you this.

I think the real problem is that you are just lonely as you've moved away from friends & family. Presumably he gamed just as much before, it just wasn't an issue for you as you had other people about.

Oh, I would be so out of there. He sounds like a controlling, lazy, sulky teen.

Sounds awful @blueberrypuppet

Being outside in nature is one of life’s greatest gifts. Don’t get me wrong i absolutely hate exercise and my husband loves it so he does a lot of climbing and biking etc but I love walks and beach time so we make sure to get both in.

Life is far too short to spend it with someone who sits gaming all day like a zombie.

Do you really want to look back on your life in 10-20 years time and see that you’ve wasted it with this man who doesn’t appreciate life?

Have you raised how you feel with him OP? If so, what did he say and if not why not?

Iin the short term, ’d make the most of the evenings and start a few hobbies, wild swimming, walking clubs even the WI might be a good idea?.

long term, doesn’t sound like you and your DH have anything in common and he’s not willing to compromise, so I’d have a long think about what you get out of the relationship. Maybe spend an evening with a councillor to help you decide what to do

He is similar to my DH, but mine just likes watching TV and tinkering with motors in his workshop, although he does walk his dog so does like outside - but prefers the solitude of being on his own.

You need to just accept that's how it is and build your own life. Take the kids out, join some local groups etc... I do all sorts of stuff in the evenings/weekends either on my own or with my kids.

I'll ask DH if he wants to come, then if he says no I just make plans without him.

So the reason you sit and watch him gaming is because he doesn't want you to do anything else?