To have lost myself in my marriage

He needs help. He is addicted to gaming. I would try to have a very serious chat with him about it. Explain how worried you are. That he spends 4 hours online in the company of violent games every day but only 20 mins in the company of his own children who get one childhood. Don't sound critical. Sound concerned. If he makes sarcastic apologies pretend they sounded genuine. Thank him for the apology and ask what he thinks you should do as a family to improve time together. Ask what sort of dad he wants to be - what memories he'd feel proud they had of him.

He really does sound as if he simply has no idea how to connect emotionally. And if he had a traumatic childhood, he could be carrying a lot of underlying anxiety about how to treat his own children as they grow up. Easier to game and blot out their needs.

Would he be up for being in charge of a couple of new fun rituals to create some good family habits, like making pancakes on Sunday mornings or reading them a bedtime story every night?

OP I’ve read all your posts, and if you feel stifled now I can’t imagine how you’ll feel in 5/10+ years.

You have choices. You keep yourself small and have a little life that’s compatible with your husband’s, which I imagine will leave you resentful and will damage your children as they grow up. Or you live your life to the full, enjoy the outdoors, enjoy time with your children, and probably leave him behind.

I know which I’d choose.

There is nothing quite like the profound loneliness & sadness of being in a relationship with someone who doesn't want to spend time with you.

I've been single for many years now and never felt as lonely as that.

So to summarise your posts:
You have nothing in common and don't have any loving, quality time together.
You feel rejected, lonely and unloved and feel unable to enjoy simple life pleasures as result.
He's selfish and only participates in family life to the (limited) extent it suits him.
He sulks and gets grumpy if you try to insist he joins in and do things as a family
He's effectively abandoned his children as he doesn't want to spend fun Dad time with them (just like he was abandoned?)
He's got a gaming addiction which he puts above you and his children
He's got a drinking problem
He's unkind to you when you raise how you feel
He refuses to change or get help

Honestly, unless you give him an ultimatum about the marriage and he agrees to get some counselling, I'd end it. You really will be happier alone that staying like this. Yes, the kids may eventually not want to see him if he puts the gaming & drinking above their happiness but he's doing that already.

Sorry but I think it is problematic when you have signed up for family life and then play very little part in it. That’s not what a healthy married relationship is all about. Op’s dh is replacing his wife and children with a games consul. When an addiction causes you to neglect your family, it has by definition gone too far. If all you want to do is stay indoors and play video games independently, then of course it’s your right to do that, but don’t get married and don’t procreate first!

Why should he change for her? I’m not saying he sounds amazing but he has his ways and unless he is controlling and stopping her from doing stuff, she can initiate it by joining groups and they can maybe compromise. My daughter is getting to an age where she doesn’t want to do the stuff we like so we allow her that Freedom. She doesn’t have to change what she likes. One of my sons is a home boy but his brother likes going out more. We all compromise and most of the time it works.

There is no need to leave unless he’s abusive, she’s fallen out of love but she says she loves him, and he is a not a bad person. Being bore isn’t necessarily reason for leaving unless they are just too incompatible in other ways
I haven’t read the whole thread so if I’ve missed anything about him being an angry man or unfair to the kids than disregard this post. That will teach me to just read one page

OP, you do have choices, but it is your children I feel very sorry.
This is a deeply unhealthy dynamic with an angry man using his gaming addiction to vent.

That is toxic for your children.
He sounds like a deeply selfish man.

The immediate solution is to make friends and join some groups that give you things to do in the evenings - local walking groups or wild swimming or surfing/bodyboarding. Maybe a gardening club that would entice you to potter in your garden on your own, collecting seeds and cuttings to swap at the next meet up. Invite new friends over for a BBQ. He doesn't have to join in. I occasionally have dinner or get togethers with woman friends in each other's homes and the husbands don't join in. It's pretty normal.

But overall, it sounds like you are lonely in your marriage because your DH has closed in on himself and you have no company night after night. What did you both enjoy doing together when you were dating and first married? Tell him you feel lonely that he games every evening and ask him not to game at least 2 or 3 evenings a week, so you can do stuff together, even if it is just going for a glass of wine to the local pub on quiz night. If he is not prepared to put effort into the marriage, then however much you reach out for new friendships and interests with others, coming back home to him will feel like an energy drain.

DH is very introverted. He has no friends. None. And doesn't care at all. He never leaves the house, week in, week out, unless it's with me. I go off to visit friends and family, go on holiday with friends or family, go away for work for a week or two a few times a year. If we had nothing in common, this would drive me nuts. But we have loads in common. We often go out together, doing stuff we both really enjoy. He watches TV with me in the evenings and we chat and joke about what's on. He's even agreed to go on some courses with me and we've really enjoyed those together. If you don't even have that, you have to ask him and yourself, where the marriage is heading and if it is worth sticking together.

Sorry but I find this incredibly controlling.

It’s not normal to avoid taking the kids for a day out because your dh wouldn’t be “best pleased”. You don’t need his permission, Just do it op,

In fact by pandering to him, he doesn’t ever get to feel the full consequences of his behaviour, which is feeling abandoned and lonely. Yes those feelings are probably hard for him given his background. But the way forward is not you and your dc conforming to his dysfunction!

Have you heard of coercive control op? Do you know what it looks like? Have a look at this and scroll down to the definition:

https://www.cps.gov.uk/legal-guidance/controlling-or-coercive-behaviour-intimate-or-family-relationship

But he's not, so you either accept it and start doing things on your own, or make the decision to leave him.

He is worse than a teenager - one of mine isn’t that keen on going out but on holiday will stay in the villas while the rest of us do because he cannot dictate what the rest of us do so we compromise

there is no compromise here and trust me as the kids get older it will get worse - you cannot live by these rules and your kids certainly shouldn’t

Don’t want to go alone? Why not? I don’t think you can be codependent about things you love to do, get on and do them. We’re here for a good time, not a long time.

Just another vote to say this is all really really strange. So he wants you and the kids to stay in the house while he games all weekend? That is no way to live.
You need to break his “rules” and start taking the kids out of a weekend and do what you want to do, if he comes with then great but what he’s not going to do is act like a petulant teenager and play on his phone all day, that’s such an ick and no example to be setting to the kids.
I hope this thread is helping you see how much he’s dulling your sparkle and trying to drag you all down into his little sad pit.

Well I think he sounds shit and completely miserable to live with. If it were my dh I’d take the kids out for the whole day and he could come or not, but we wouldn’t be heading home in an hour just because he was there. And my dh is a big football fan and we have one tv. So he watched it on the iPad/ laptop sometimes because I am allowed to watch my tv shows too? Op, you’re miserable because you seem to be trying to keep him in his happy place 100% of the time. Not only does he not care about yours but he also isn’t being a dad to his kids. Mine took our 3 dc all out today while I was at work. How about you think about what him 50% happy looks like and you get to watch some tv and do some day outs with the kids. If your life partner isn’t interested in your happiness then you should be doubly focussed on it.

Mmmm. That does make the situation more complicated. Especially when he doesn’t understand or has never experienced a model of happy family life and doesn’t know what that looks like. It’s so sad because he has everything at his fingertips but he is turning away from it.

Has he shown any glimmer of understanding about what his behaviour is doing to you and your dc though? Does he understand that he is in danger of losing you all as a family?

I think you need to find a way to convey this more seriously.

He obviously needs therapy but if he is not prepared to work through his anger and avoidance that way; you are not obliged to put up with this for another twenty years. Love is a verb, not just a statement on paper. He has to show you some sort of commitment or compromise to make things bearable for you. Yes you signed up for better or worse but you have to consider seriously what an unhappy marriage and an unhappy mother will do to your children.

How old are your dc op? I anticipate problems in the teen years if your dh doesn’t step up a lot more. If they are very young then I would probably get out now while you can are able to establish a new and different life for you all. If they are older it becomes more complex.

Do you work op? Are you able to become financially independent?

You know by now that you can’t control him or change your dh. So you can only change your response to him. So there are three (possibly four) choices:

** give him a final ultimatum
** get your ducks in a row and prepare to leave
** stay but forge a different and more separate life for yourself within the confines of an unhappy marriage

Good luck op whichever decision you make! Be aware that putting up with this situation and delaying doing anything about it is also a decision, albeit a passive one.

I’m really sorry that you are facing this 💐

So you're watching him game for hours because it's better than watching TV by yourself?

Ultimately you're going to have to accept that unless you change things up, this is your life. It seems your husband is happy neglecting his wife and children and I have no doubt, you facilitate that as he probably doesn't lift a finger.

If it were me, I'd go for a swim every day, take the children to the beach for ice cream and picnics and get a sun lounger for the garden. You're choosing this life.

People saying “just go things without him” are missing the point somewhat. OP currently is doing things without him but has come to the realisation that her husband is a boring teenager who doesn’t leave the house. I would leave and find someone who wants to spend time with you. Life is too short to waste it staring at a screen and prioritising online relationships over real ones and you deserve to have fun times with someone you love.

How on earth can you stay in this marriage OP? he sounds bloody awful.

This is a really sad existence. Read this back to yourself. What a waste of a life time.

Come on now, @blueberrypuppet - surely you realise you are flogging a dead horse here.

This is the man who is supposed to love you, be kind and considerate to you, be your life partner.

you need to get out of this marriage - as much for your children’s sake as your own.

Can you plan your escape - what’s your work and finance situation?

ETA….. just saw your comment: “His gaming is all anger based, killing people, fighting and he really gets into it and you can feel the aggression seeping out.” - you really, really cannot stay with this man. Surely you must realise that this is a deeply unhealthy environment for your children to grow up in?

I dont understand how you ended up with someone so completely incompatible with you on every level?

As with any addiction, the addict will prioritise their thing over everything else. You, the kids. It sounds as if he has to be wasted with booze if he isn’t gaming. So I see it as you having a choice between:

the status quo

you taking the kids on the activities you would like to do as a family. Ignore him complaining or point out that he doesn’t want to do those things. He can then choose to step into the role he claims to want, or not.

you leaving the marriage completely.

I’d probably favour option 2 for now, then reassess in a while and see if anything has changed. If he starts to show any signs of abuse- taking away your money or access to the outside (car keys etc), swearing at you, giving you the silent treatment- I would revise this and go straight to option 3.

How did you end up marrying him?
This isn’t a life!
I couldn’t bear the life he expects you to live! You’d be better off alone than with him as you’re on your own anyway. His behavior will affect your kids too. He’s holding you back and you’re worth more. Have more respect for yourself!

I no longer go to the beach because he never wants to and I don’t want to go alone

Im confused OP as you initially said the above. Also if you love all outdoorsy things you shouldn’t deny yourself them just because your OH is preoccupied with his own interests. You are your own person and from the sounds of it whilst not an engaged partner he’s not forcing you to stay in at his side either. I think your location sounds amazing and with all due respect it’s on you to find yourself . First step being to carve out a little more independence for yourself. Perhaps a dog would help also.

But he's not stopping you from doing these things. You're stopping yourself because he won't do them, even to the point of not sitting in the garden on your own.

Part of this might be because you feel that by going off and doing these things by yourself, it shows up your differences in the outside world and brings to the light your feelings of isolation and disappointment, and your fears that different interests could ultimately end your marriage.

You have no control over what he does but total control of what you do. Be glad you have a garden. Be glad you are lucky enough to be able to go to the sea. Many people yearn for these things and never have them. Stop imprisoning yourself and go and do some of the things the first poster suggested. You can only benefit from them.