To have lost myself in my marriage

I’m just going to put this out there but what kind of memories of childhood would you like for your kids? All the stuff they do as kids is what the will reproduce for their own kids.
My kids will remember our daily walks - everyone was an adventure. Our weekends at the beach just hanging out with the dogs. Swimming & riding the ponies, having friends over.
Pretty much all my memories from childhood are outside. Pretty much all their memories are the same.

I wouldn’t want gaming in my bedroom either…

All I’d say is, like others, to get on with making friends and doing things you enjoy. People can stay married and do separate things, and waiting for him to be a different person is a hiding to nothing.

Tbh I’d be looking for a way to make an evening space in the house that doesn’t involve some fucking huge screen and violent swearing. Is a conservatory an option?

Returning to the bedroom, how’s your sex life? Men do have a tendency to check out if sex is not happening. But if it’s good, this may be more fundamentally ok than it sounds.

I assume you missed this bit…

He mostly plays war games with guns and killing which is not good with children around.

There is NO WAY on god’s earth that I would allow this sort of gaming in my living room.

Just no.

Whether sub consciously or not, he’s controlling you if you feel you have no choice but to go along with what he wants, which really is to check out of the world and spend his time in an online world with no demands of him, even if that means minimal connection time with his family. This is likely because addicts can be incredibly selfish when it comes to getting what they want. Your children deserve better than that though and you need to be careful you’re not teaching them that relationships mean suppressing their own wishes to make someone else happy. As a starting point I’d recommend you complete the freedom programme online, to better understand any abuse that might be a feature of your relationship. Then I’d simply start living and ignoring his protestations about that. Start this weekend. Tell him your plans and when he complains say “We’re not putting your gaming addiction above the rest of our needs anymore”. Start doing this frequently, using the same line again and again and leaving him behind. This may cause him to evaluate his choices but if not at least your lives are not on hold. It may also convince you that he’s not capable of change, and doesn’t want to, and that therefore seeking a divorce wouldn’t be unreasonable.

I love sailing solo, so I do. He sails with me sometimes. Don't stop doing what you love, go to the beach, join a swimming / kayaking/walking group whatever.......Just take a step forwards.....any direction

Great, both parents can then be addicted to violent killing games, while the kids hang around waiting for a nice family day.

As an aside gaming is much more active brain activity than watching tv and usually includes problem solving and socialisation.

TV is passive. It’s is not “better” than gaming. You could always try one of his games and play together.

And some people don’t enjoy wandering about town for hours. I find it tedious personally and I love a walk.

he needs to move his gaming set up to the bedroom. That should be a non negotiable. But honestly he sounds like an I for person who brings the vibe down to any outdoor activities. So you’re better off leaving him inside and having a good time without him. Rather than him loaning alongside.

It’s not his fault you don’t do things alone. Why are you waiting for someone who doesn’t like things in order for you to do them.

go and make friends and be you own person.

join a walking group in your local Area and practice some small talk topic before you go. Join a volunteer clean up group for your local area as those types generally love a chat and are locally minded.

stop waiting for your husband to have a rich inner life.
there are a multitude of ways to watch things that aren’t on the tv if you don’t want to sit in a different room, laptop, iPad, phone.

you don’t have to be doing the same things together. It does seem like you’ve lost the ability to do things alone and thus are SELF limiting. Unless your DH is actively stopping you, it’s nothing to do with him.

there is one activity type thing myself and DH might do together. Otherwise we do our things alone or with other because we have different interests. Or because we have friendships we want to put effort into outside of our relationship with each other.

Your poor kids. His behaviour is not ok. You need to tell him so and ask him to get some help.

Umm if he wants to game how about he has a setup elsewhere so he’s not hogging the lounge?! Or you alternate one night watching a series together and one night you go out.

I don’t think I could be married to someone this selfish.

But if you must stay, then please get out there and make some friends - is there a swimming club near you; or book club, volunteering etc?

Exactly. My husband likes biking, hiking, tennis and swimming. I join him a couple of times a week when I feel like it. I’m more of an arty person - always out at the opera, ballet, theatre, exhibitions et cetera. He joins me for the easy-on-the-ear operas and the odd Nutcracker. I have a wide circle of friends whilst he is more of a loner, so I go out with my pals several times a week while he watches movies at home. But we are always in tune - we talk and discuss stuff all the time, and our long daily walk is our time to connect. Everyone is happy.

I am struggling to believe that you've allowed him to take over the enormous TV screen every evening with his mindless gaming.

Tell him you want to watch telly for a change. Be assertive.

OP, I hear you. I have a DH who hardly ever wants to go anywhere, luckily I love going places by myself. Just wish he wanted to go out places more often as well!
If he likes to spend time with you, why is that always reliant on you staying in though? How would he react if you for example went out for days by yourself? Have to say I don't understand why you won't sit outside by yourself if he won't.

It sounds like you and the kids live a separate life and your H participates when he wants. It sounds hard to deal with, sorry OP. I think it is lovely to be by the sea and you just take time for yourself to enjoy it and the walks sound great.

Sorry if it had been noted and I missed it, but does your H work? How does he communicate with his work colleagues, as in, is he more social and like the man you married or is he also quite closed into himself?

I am like you, I like being busy, out and about outside, no way could I be with a person like that. My husband isn't quite as outdoorsy as me but still enjoys coming on day trips and seeing the kids have fun outside. He hates sand but will come to the beach as the kids love it. Your husband sounds very selfish and it doesn't seem you have much in common.

Get him another tv for gaming and claim back the one in the lounge

He should change for her and his children because his actions are causing a negative impact on their lives. If he was a decent man he would suss this out.

If there are no kids then being bored is a good reason for leaving. You only have one life, spending it with someone you aren’t enjoying living with is a waste if it isn’t towards a goal (like providing kids with a better childhood).

But they do have kids. And he should change for them as he’s currently, from OP’s description, a piss poor father.

I think you choices are to either end the relationship now or create your own independent life and once that’s established then leave. If it were me I’d do the latter.

So what do you want to do with your life?

I think this ^ is an excellent point.

Also, you don’t have to say here op, but how is your financial situation in terms of parity of earnings between you? i sometimes think men who are main earners feel they can get away with shite behaviour at home because they have “done their bit” earning a good income, or at least are the main earner?

I have no problem going anywhere on my own I just wish my husband would be more companionable so I didn’t have to @blueberrypuppet

but you said you won’t sit in the garden or bedroom on your own ?
I think you have two choices , he’s not going to change. So you either stay the same or leave.

You’ve had a lot of good responses above but I want to highlight one aspect:

There are four of you in the house, including two fairly young kids, and he dominates the lounge with a TV on which he plays violent games that aren’t suitable for the kids.

Along with this is his lack of interest in doing anything with the kids, his preoccupation with his phone whenever he’s out with them, the fact you are reluctant to take them on decent days out because he won’t really participate and he wouldn’t be impressed if you went without him…

What impact is this having on the kids? I think a previous poster made a fair point about you having a bit of responsibility for the situation having chased your dream without looking at the reality of your life with your DH. And if the issue were just you feeling lonely that would be a strongish argument for you putting in effort and adjustment to make this work. But some of what you’re saying now sounds dire for your children. Even if you’d stayed in your old town with your friends and family, this would not be a good environment for them.

“There’s no need to leave unless he’s abusive”…

So the only valid reason a woman can leave a man is abuse, is it? And what qualifies as abuse, in your opinion? My god.

I agree. The only caveat is - like OP, I'd seriously worry that the DC would be neglected when they had to spend weekends with their gaming addicted couch-potato dad. Could be better to stay together, create a really full life for herself and her DC and leave him as soon as the children are old enough to choose where to spend their time and who with.