Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to nip this in the bud ( LGBTQ views , child )

818 replies

Calmorchaos · 08/07/2025 19:31

I’m after some advice really on how to approach this.

I have always been the type of person to support anyone to be who they are. I’ve never shied away or shielded my children from the world - very much a ‘love is love’ person and always encouraged my children to support those who need it and be inclusive ( in terms of people being bullied , disabilities etc too ) .

My youngest is going into high school ( 11 ) . Over the past few months I’ve noticed a few comments such as “ there are 2 genders “ , “ I don’t support LGBTQ “ . I’ve addressed this in the moment . But recently he found out his new school has an LGBTQ assembly on a monthly basis and he has started saying he doesn’t want to go because “ he doesn’t support it” . I sat down and had a chat with him , I explained to him that it isn’t really his place to choose to not agree with it - it’s not a choice , i explained it as he could say he doesn’t agree with people eating meat as that is a choice he would be making , but someone’s sexuality is their feelings and not a choice.

I am sure comments will allow me to explain more how the conversation went from my side so I won’t drag this post on with that but his comments were unnerving :

  • he believes someone chooses to be gay , they can control it but they choose it
  • we can choose who we fall in love with
  • if a friend of his told him he was gay he would still be friends with them but not as good because they chose to be gay and he doesn’t support it.

I know he is very young and he doesn’t understand and has things to learn. He is the sweetest boy and the way he said these things sounded scripted as though he has heard others say this . I know he is a child and it’s my job that guide him and that’s the advice I’m asking for , how do I address this? I’m not saying I need him to go around advocating I just don’t want these views becoming ingrained and he becomes the reason another student who is struggling, struggles more. I know I may be overreacting but this age and as the years go on is a time that he can be heavily influenced . He’s a quiet, sweet boy and I do believe he could be heavily influenced.

Another concerning thing is that when I asked him where he had heard all this and where it comes from he said his Dad .

OP posts:
Blurrywateryeye · 08/07/2025 20:58

PassingStranger · 08/07/2025 20:55

God which year is he growing up in.

It's 2025
Time everyone realised other people sexuality has got sod all to do with them.

Show quote history

The year where you can’t force people to agree with you. You might not like his opinion, or agree with it. But that’s his opinion.

Blurrywateryeye · 08/07/2025 20:57

Calmorchaos · 08/07/2025 20:18

I am too . He’s not my husband either .

Show quote history

Sorry, I assumed he was your husband. My mistake. What were his views when you were with him?

PassingStranger · 08/07/2025 20:55

Blurrywateryeye · 08/07/2025 20:14

You can’t force anyone to have the same view as you. He’s 11 so more than likely will grow out of it and hopefully will have an open mind. But if he grows up and still has the same opinion, well that is his opinion. You can’t police what others think. I’m more concerned on what views your husband has, that a child is looking up to.

God which year is he growing up in.

It's 2025
Time everyone realised other people sexuality has got sod all to do with them.

Toseland · 08/07/2025 20:52

...I explained to him that it isn’t really his place to choose to not agree with it - it’s not a choice...
Poor lad, it is his place to choose not to agree with it. He doesn't need others forcing him to believe all the rubbish the TQ+ are coming out with!

Original poster
Calmorchaos · 08/07/2025 20:43

minipie · 08/07/2025 20:33

I agree with PP. If your son “doesn’t support” homosexuality that’s a problem. If your son “doesn’t support” ideas such as people can change sex, some people are trapped in the wrong sex body, or the concept of multiple genders then this is a totally legitimate viewpoint.

I have different views to that , but you are right he can form his own opinions in regard to changing sex etc - however , these opinions need to be formed with a full understanding and he does not have that. The views he has are grouped right now together with sexuality being a choice - which could process into homophobic views . They are also coming from outside influences . This is what I want to address.

Im also thinking of the confused teens around who are struggling , regardless of views on whether gender is a choice or not , its hard enough without people spouting this - I want him to be considerate of other peoples feelings .

OP posts:
minipie · 08/07/2025 20:33

I agree with PP. If your son “doesn’t support” homosexuality that’s a problem. If your son “doesn’t support” ideas such as people can change sex, some people are trapped in the wrong sex body, or the concept of multiple genders then this is a totally legitimate viewpoint.

senua · 08/07/2025 20:28

I think that you need to separate out the LGB and the T. They are different things.
However, teach him to listen and learn. He doesn't need to agree with it; just listen, learn and apply critical thinking.

Ereshkigalangcleg · 08/07/2025 20:26

Calmorchaos · 08/07/2025 20:11

Yes , but as I try to explain to him there are people who feel they are trapped in the wrong body and they don’t choose to feel that way, some people disagree , but that is how they feel and it’s not a case of “ I want to be a boy today “ . I absolutely want him to understand that it’s not a case of choosing your gender, it’s feelings that people have and cannot control.

Show quote history

That’s a disputed interpretation on your own part. Just tell him, like religion, that many people have beliefs and he needs to be respectful of people but he doesn’t have to share the beliefs.

Soontobe60 · 08/07/2025 20:26

Calmorchaos · 08/07/2025 20:11

Yes , but as I try to explain to him there are people who feel they are trapped in the wrong body and they don’t choose to feel that way, some people disagree , but that is how they feel and it’s not a case of “ I want to be a boy today “ . I absolutely want him to understand that it’s not a case of choosing your gender, it’s feelings that people have and cannot control.

Show quote history

Sadly, your DS is correct if he opposes this thinking. No one is ‘trapped in the wrong body’. No one is born the wrong sex, gender is a social construct, there are only 2 sexes, boys can have long hair and wear dresses but they are still girls etc etc etc.

Original poster
Calmorchaos · 08/07/2025 20:18

Blurrywateryeye · 08/07/2025 20:14

You can’t force anyone to have the same view as you. He’s 11 so more than likely will grow out of it and hopefully will have an open mind. But if he grows up and still has the same opinion, well that is his opinion. You can’t police what others think. I’m more concerned on what views your husband has, that a child is looking up to.

I am too . He’s not my husband either .

OP posts:
Blurrywateryeye · 08/07/2025 20:14

You can’t force anyone to have the same view as you. He’s 11 so more than likely will grow out of it and hopefully will have an open mind. But if he grows up and still has the same opinion, well that is his opinion. You can’t police what others think. I’m more concerned on what views your husband has, that a child is looking up to.

Original poster
Calmorchaos · 08/07/2025 20:11

Ereshkigalangcleg · 08/07/2025 20:06

“LGBTQ” isn’t really a coherent group. Being lesbian, gay or bisexual is about who people are attracted to. Being “T” or “Q” involves a disputed claim about reality. So I absolutely agree you can challenge comments about who other people have relationships with, but you shouldn’t push gender identity ideology on children.

Yes , but as I try to explain to him there are people who feel they are trapped in the wrong body and they don’t choose to feel that way, some people disagree , but that is how they feel and it’s not a case of “ I want to be a boy today “ . I absolutely want him to understand that it’s not a case of choosing your gender, it’s feelings that people have and cannot control.

OP posts:
Original poster
Calmorchaos · 08/07/2025 20:08

Tandora · 08/07/2025 20:00

You don’t need to turn this into another transphobia thread. OP made it clear her son was expressing discriminatory ideas about people being gay.

OP this is really tricky. But I think the fact that this is coming from his dad is key. It’s not what he thinks, necessarily, he’s just copying his dad. I think the best thing to do is to keep talking to him and explaining how and why you see it differently. I think with maturity he will come around x

Show quote history

I do think he doesn’t really understand as the comments show to me that he doesn’t - saying that people choose it is key and going into the idea that we control who we love .

I have said , he is so young and doesn’t understand so he is forming views when he doesn’t understand them and like you say I do think it is copying Dad . I said to him that there will be people who need those assemblies because of their own confusing feelings - that if they were optional they wouldn’t go because people would know they were and they aren’t ready for people to know so by being there , even if it’s not something that interests him, is helping others who need it to be able to go without being in the spotlight. He is a good and kind boy , I do worry .

OP posts:
Ereshkigalangcleg · 08/07/2025 20:06

“LGBTQ” isn’t really a coherent group. Being lesbian, gay or bisexual is about who people are attracted to. Being “T” or “Q” involves a disputed claim about reality. So I absolutely agree you can challenge comments about who other people have relationships with, but you shouldn’t push gender identity ideology on children.

CarrotVan · 08/07/2025 20:05

Tandora · 08/07/2025 20:00

You don’t need to turn this into another transphobia thread. OP made it clear her son was expressing discriminatory ideas about people being gay.

OP this is really tricky. But I think the fact that this is coming from his dad is key. It’s not what he thinks, necessarily, he’s just copying his dad. I think the best thing to do is to keep talking to him and explaining how and why you see it differently. I think with maturity he will come around x

Show quote history

I’m not doing any such thing. The OP mentioned both gender and sexual orientation and they are different topics and different conversations.

Gentle challenge, and support to form his own opinions are key here.

Tandora · 08/07/2025 20:00

CarrotVan · 08/07/2025 19:53

There’s a huge difference between believing in biological reality around sexes and being homophobic. It sounds like his Dad is very influential but more gently challenging conversations with your son about his views would sway him

You don’t need to turn this into another transphobia thread. OP made it clear her son was expressing discriminatory ideas about people being gay.

OP this is really tricky. But I think the fact that this is coming from his dad is key. It’s not what he thinks, necessarily, he’s just copying his dad. I think the best thing to do is to keep talking to him and explaining how and why you see it differently. I think with maturity he will come around x

Original poster
Calmorchaos · 08/07/2025 19:59

CarrotVan · 08/07/2025 19:53

There’s a huge difference between believing in biological reality around sexes and being homophobic. It sounds like his Dad is very influential but more gently challenging conversations with your son about his views would sway him

Yes he is , he idolises his Dad. This worries me too. He loves our son , provides well etc and would do anything for him but he has other views / behaviours too that I don’t want my son to be influenced by and I feel I do have a bit of a battle ahead.

I will be continuing these conversations with my son, gentle but challenging like you say sounds like a good way forward

OP posts:
CarrotVan · 08/07/2025 19:53

There’s a huge difference between believing in biological reality around sexes and being homophobic. It sounds like his Dad is very influential but more gently challenging conversations with your son about his views would sway him

Swipe left for the next trending thread