Would you want to know about an affair?

Honestly, I would want to know. I’m quite good at picking up lack of sincerity or bad vibes in others and I tend to worry that I caused it (probably neurodiversity causing overthinking), so I would want to be put out of my misery if it were my partner.

I would usually tell someone else as I think it is the compassionate thing to do unless there are reasons to suggest there would be danger to one of the parties or I knew that a blind eye had been turned in the past or that there were exceptional circumstances (child seriously ill for example) to at least delay etc. I would not cope very well with the secrecy and deception long term so I would see being the messenger as the lesser of two evils - I don’t think I’d be able to be friendly with someone, hear about things with their partner and not say something, so it’s not a selfless act on my part to volunteer the information. I’d stress in telling them whether I had concrete proof or not and that I wouldn’t judge them whatever they decided to do with the information, but I would be prepared to lose that person as a friend because sometimes that’s how life goes. You could lose them as a friend if you don’t tell them
and they suspect later that you knew, so I think you have to accept that it just sucks to have the information tbh.

To those who say they wouldn’t tell a friend because they’d worry that the friend would fall out with them, I can promise you that they’re more likely to fall out with you when they discover that you knew and hid it from them.

I also would absolutely want to know so I can't quite believe how unpopular that opinion is!

I’ve been cheated on by an ex. Truly horrific. However he was also an awful person.

Honestly, if my husband had a fling/ONS/similar, I wouldn’t want to know. I cannot imagine it in a million years, he’s the most devoted husband and father you could ever imagine. But in a hypothetical scenario - no. Because it wouldn’t undo the fact he is an amazing father, amazing husband, I couldn’t/wouldn’t leave that and destroy our child’s life for a mistake. It would just transfer a load of pain onto me which I would have to live with forever. A proper ‘affair’ I would want to know and I would leave, but I don’t think many people could be genuinely oblivious to one of these unless living almost separate lives anyway. You’d have to be turning a blind eye to some strange behaviours and that in itself is indicative of a choice to not confront it…(which is what I did with my ex).

Having been in this situation myself I would 💯% want to know, I was told everything and my H obviously minimised it all.. no question, even if the messenger got shot in the foot I’d speak up. In fact if more did these cheating tw*ts might think twice - doubt it but hey, ever the optimist!

I would never ever tell anyone about an affair. Sometimes you have no idea what goes on behind closed doors. I also don’t want to be part of someone’s story for the rest of time. You’ll never forget the time so and so told you your DH was shagging someone else. It may possibly be the worse news they ever receive. Why the fuck would you want to be the one delivering that? Because it would help them long term? Maybe, but like I said, life is complicated. I know three men I would genuinely be delighted to hear they were getting some happiness in life, because their wives are pretty dreadful human beings.

I also wouldn’t want anyone to tell me - I would just be mortified, I’d rather find out myself than other people knowing the ins and outs of my marriage before me.

I can’t help but think the do-gooders that inform Amy of Mike’s affair with Sophie are revelling in it a bit. I would rather bury my head in the sand and not get involved.

I would want to know.

One of my friends was the OW once (the affair was a long distance affair while friend was working away) I had no way of knowing who the wife was…so I did the next best thing. I told my friend exactly what I thought of her knowingly being the OW and told her to end it.

well I think it’s a good idea to get your dicks in a row!! that made me laugh so much, thank you x

I would like to know. If I knew someone was cheating I would go to them and say ‘you have put me in this position, tell your spouse or I will tell them’ this happened me before and that worked well.

I would want to know and anybody (man or woman) should be held accountable for being unfaithful to their partner. I was cheated on by my ex when I was pregnant with a baby I miscarried a week before finding out about the affair. It was with his manager who also was in a long term relationship with 3 or 4 kids, to my knowledge to this day he doesn't know which is shit because he got held accountable for it, but she didn't and she should have been just as much as him. I couldn't tell him because I didn't know how to contact him. All our mates knew, I dropped them all as soon as I found out they knew, whilst I understand they was put in a difficult position they still chose to hide their affair whilst actively telling me how much he loved me when all along he and her was humiliating me and her partner.

So you are more concerned about yourself than the person being cheated on?

And you are ok knowing that they are potentially being exposed to STDs.

The OP asked why people don't tell & I gave an explanation. But yes generally I put myself above other people particularly strangers, is that controversial? Not wanting to blow up someone's life doesn't mean you are ok with anything. Why would you think that?

“What's happened to the principle of treating others how we wish to be treated?” Well if a person would not want to know themselves it’s fair to say why they wouldn't want to tell another person if they knew their spouse was having an affair. It seems that you can’t really understand why someone would keep this a secret.

I would only want someone I'm very close with to tell me. I wouldn't believe a randomer and id be suspicious if an acquaintance was telling me. Plus if I believe them, I'll probably have a very emotional reaction which I couldn't do in front of someone I don't know. Tbh I'd want my mam.

So you are more concerned about yourself than the person being cheated on? And you are ok knowing that they are potentially being exposed to STDs.

Absolutely I would want to know.

I have told a male friend when I found out his wife was having an affair. He didn’t shoot the messenger, he was very grateful.

I have thought about this but I feel like if I do it anonymously:

1. It's less believable. I'd be suspicious of an anonymous account messaging me.
2. No idea if I'm the first girl he's cheated with, but on the off-chance that I am, I wouldn't be that anonymous. Even if I messaged her anonymously, if she confronted him, he'd know it was me which could put me back in a risky position.

@Mrsttcno1 exactly

I do think it’s mostly men but women are catching up, I know of quite a few, they are more subtle with it. My mum knew of loads when she was a housewife raising kids.
I think men will always have the majority though because their dick thinks for them.

Tell her! She needs to know.

Do it anonymously as one of your friends

The problem comes when people think they want to know, a friend finds out and tells them, and they then realise actually they didn’t want to know or don’t care because they can’t afford to leave or don’t want to suffer financially, have young kids, maybe they have a nice life comfortable together with a nice house/holidays etc, they realise actually they’d rather have a cheating partner than no partner at all… the list goes on, they decide to stay. But a friend knows, so they’re embarrassed to be staying and playing happy families. Hence the friend gets the abuse & gets cut off because I’d be embarrassed if my friend told me my husband was cheating and then was watching us swan off on holiday and all loved up.

I would want to know. Also, in my experience men cheat and then lie and dodge the truth so telling the wife probably just confirms the suspicions she already had.

I don't understand the people that stop talking to their friends because the told them about an affair.

It's not rocket science. And some people prefer to turn a blind eye.

There was a thread recently about this and I was pleased to see the majority said they’d tell.

I would definitely want to be told , life is to short to be spending it with someone that has no respect for you

I would want to know. I don't understand the people that stop talking to their friends because the told them about an affair. To me they are looking out for you, and they aren't the ones that are cheating on you the DH is. I'd rather one of my friends tell me as devastating as that would be than everyone knowing about an affair and people being afraid to tell me. I would stop being someone's friend for that reason unless they had a good reason for letting me walk around looking like blissful idiot.

Haha, I had a giggle at this too… really hoping the poster had a line of men she wanted to sleep with ready when she divorced her husband! 🤣