Would you want to know about an affair?

Your guess is wrong @halfpennypocketwatch.

Have you ever been cheated on? I'm guessing no. The reality is very different to the theory. Life is a house of cards and when it comes tumbling down believe me it is easier if you have all the facts and are able to control the fall.

And that’s just it @Allisgoodtoday, you can’t understand that other people are different and feel different things. You have no idea what’s going on in other people’s lives. They might have an open marriage or they might be turning a blind eye but you go crashing in to a situation that you know nothing about and is nothing to do with you. Then having salved your conscience you just walk away from the wreckage.

I would definitely want to know. I can't understand how someone would be furious to be told? Are there really people who would rather continue in blissful ignorance, possibly endangering their health, finances etc. in the process?

To my mind, no-one can make a choice without the knowledge to do so. It would be up to me what I did about it, whether I decided to continue with the marriage, or leave or whatever. That's a true choice; without full knowledge of the situation is no choice at all.

There seem to be different standards on MN depending on whether it’s a manor woman doing the cheating.

OP: I’ve found out my friend’s DH is cheating - do I tell her?

MN: Yes of course, she deserves to know,

On the other hand:

OP: My friend is cheating on her DH, do I tell him?

MN: No, it’s none of your business,keep out of it.

I would want to know.
I think if it's someone close, definitely tell them. Or if there's proof.
Otherwise they're unlikely to believe you.

I would be furious about being told at all. I really wouldn’t want to know. I’d be really angry that someone felt entitled to upend my life. Your insistence on deciding what’s best for me is the height of arrogance. It’s an inherently selfish act - “I couldn’t live with myself”. It’s not about you and it’s not your place to play God with other people’s lives.

But they aren't really your friend if you can keep a secret from them. It seems quite selfish to want the friendship more than you want the friend to have the truth

I'm prepared to risk a friendship to do the right thing.

I did the same and lost a few friends explaining why their MLM was such a bad idea. Most came back a year or so later quite sheepish. Those that didn't, well if they can't see I did it to be kind then that's on them

My experience is you can lose a friend. There's also a danger you are wrong. As I said, it depends on the friend and how reasonable a person they are as to whether they will understand that you are only telling them with the best intentions. Sometimes their reaction can't be predicted.

I could live with that. I couldn't live with myself if I stayed quiet

I'd tell because I absolutely would want to know for the sake of my financial security and sexual health.

There's never a good time or a good way to find out that information and passing it on is horrible especially without evidence.

Yes, hated the fact I was the last one to know. That deceit was horrible.

I would 100% want to know.
An old boyfriend had a work place affair for 6 months, several of his friends knew and no one told me. I was beyond humiliated (happy ending though for me as I wouldn't have met my now husband otherwise)

However "shoot the messenger" is a very real thing and no one wants to be responsible for breaking apart a marriage and potentially a family.

I'd still tell. But I can also see why some wouldn't.

I agree no one knows what goes on behind closed doors, so if I ever told someone it would be in a completely non-judgemental way ("Here is the evidence. Do with this what you please, and I won't bring it up again with you or tell anyone else what I know").

In reality most people don't have loads of evidence though. They may have suspicions but actual concrete evidence? I don't think it's about judgement, a lot of people just don't like people knowing so much about their life, it's an exposure in a way.
I also think there is so much nuance.

My H cheated on me. Lots of people knew and no one told me. It pretty much broke me that no one cared enough to bother. I made big life decisions which I would not have made had I known I was married to a bastard.

I think that quite a few people get a bit of a kick out of someone else's marriage imploding. It makes them feel a little bit superior, and pleased with themselves. They don't tell because that would be hard and they'd have to put themselves out a tiny bit. Much easier to not bother and them spout crap reasons defending themselves.

I would always tell because I've walked the other this and it is absolutely the right thing to do. It isn't nice and you may not receive effusive thanks but you'll be handing someone a life line. What they do with that life line is up to them, but at least they'll have it.

It would not surprise me at all if a few hover. You see the same names. They’re often nasty types too.

Id want to know, by the way.

I think it depends who the person is. A good friend - then yes, you should probably tell them.

But for example, I know a guy I work with who cheats on his partner. I don't know her and if I told her - with zero proof - I'm sure he'd say I was lying/vindictive and there's no way she'd believe me. So I'm not going to message a random woman saying I know your partner and he cheats, even if she deserves to know

I absolutely wouldn’t want to know and think it’s arrogant to assume everyone would. I’d be bloody furious if someone told me.

Yes I’d want to know. The thought of people around me or who know me knowing when I don’t and I continue to think we’re a happy normal family makes me sick to my stomach.

🤣🤣it was a typo but a very funny one.

Yes I’d want to know.