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AIBU?

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Original poster

Husband's family are stingy while he is so generous

58 replies

koolkatxx · 08/07/2025 15:49

Posting for some perspective because I’m really annoyed and I’m not sure if I’m overreacting.
DH is genuinely such a loving, generous person, especially towards his family. He has a sister who is married with 4 kids. Every time we see them, he buys them gifts, and for birthdays we go all out- for his sister, her husband, and all 4 kids which I am not complaining about at all, they are family and I am happy to do so. They live in a different city, but we still make sure gifts are sent to arrive on their birthdays.
When we’re with them in person, my husband often pays for everyone. It’s usually just me and him (2 people) and then them (6 people). His sister’s husband never offers to pay for us or cover a meal; he just sits there expecting my husband to pay, and sometimes my husband has to awkwardly say, “Shall we split it?”
The thing that really annoys me is that on my husband’s birthday, none of them ever buy him a gift. Not even a small token from the kids. We buy gifts for 6 of them and my husband gets nothing in return. I sometimes get a gift and sometimes I don't. Meanwhile, we spend so much on them during the year, for birthdays, Christmas, random treats, etc. It just feels so one-sided and I feel crap for my husband more than anything to be honest, but he is not one to complain about that.
AIBU to be really annoyed about this? I feel like the least they could do is show some appreciation on his birthday of all days.

OP posts:
Firefly100 · 08/07/2025 16:13

If it is getting to you, I would propose when you see them suggest ordering separately at the start 'to keep things easy'. I'd also raise the topic of presents to agree a way forward - along the lines of 'now we are getting older, birthday presents seem a bit OTT don't they - how about we all only buy for the children in future? Also - what about Xmas? what would work for you? You can still send a card and phone your SIL on her birthday to let her know you are thinking of her

Original poster
koolkatxx · 08/07/2025 16:12

GnomeDePlume · 08/07/2025 16:05

I have stingy people in my family. Their view is that the inviter pays, fair enough, but they never reciprocate.

They are also mean spirited in other ways.

Short arms, deep pockets syndrome

The family I married into are generous in all ways including in spirit.

That's the issue though- even when they invite, they sit back until my husband either pays or asks to split! We spent so much money going to their city to see them and we went out for food most days and they never paid once!

OP posts:
simsbustinoutmimi · 08/07/2025 16:12

Don’t expect them to change.

its possible they may have money issues/ debts they’re not telling you about

To be honest, gifts for both generations of the family does start to get a bit expensive. What happens when the kids have their own kids, will you gift to them too? The way my family does it, is that only the younger generation get a gift, when they’re 18 it stops. Adults just get a card.

I would stick to buying a small thing for the kids (£10 max), and scrap the meals. If you want to see the kids on their birthday, just drop in and visit, or phone them. You don’t have to make a big song and dance about it, if they ask just explain that you can’t afford to pay for everyone.

appreciation isn’t always about the biggest gifts and expensive meals. If he doesn’t even bother with a card I would be a bit upset, but I think rather than confronting them I’d just mirror their behaviour.

GnomeDePlume · 08/07/2025 16:12

pepperaunt · 08/07/2025 16:10

As the Italians say “they have crocodile arms”

That's a good description

pepperaunt · 08/07/2025 16:10

As the Italians say “they have crocodile arms”

GnomeDePlume · 08/07/2025 16:05

I have stingy people in my family. Their view is that the inviter pays, fair enough, but they never reciprocate.

They are also mean spirited in other ways.

Short arms, deep pockets syndrome

The family I married into are generous in all ways including in spirit.

Original poster
koolkatxx · 08/07/2025 16:05

thepariscrimefiles · 08/07/2025 15:54

Are they nice in other ways? Do you enjoy their company? What happened when your husband suggested splitting the bill? Did they contribute?

Yes my husband’s sister is actually really lovely. I get on well with her and so does my husband, and we love the kids, they’re great.
Her husband is a different situation. He has very different opinions and values from us (and from most of the world), and he’s quite outspoken and sometimes a bit rude, so we’re not super close to him, but we’re friendly enough on the surface.
When my husband suggests splitting the bill, his sister’s husband will agree, but it’s almost like he feels forced. He asks loads of questions about how much things cost, who had what, etc. It makes the whole thing quite awkward.

OP posts:
thepariscrimefiles · 08/07/2025 15:54

Are they nice in other ways? Do you enjoy their company? What happened when your husband suggested splitting the bill? Did they contribute?