Husband's family are stingy while he is so generous

Id stop buying for them and always split the bill

Agree with @Winter2020 completely. They may have other financial priorities and that is up to them. The meals out need to stop or you and your dh decide you are not going to be angry they never pitch up to take their turn to pay. Also the buying loads of toys seems very OTT. Your husband's and your company should be enough for the nephews and nieces.... the two cocktails thing is ridiculous! That would really wind me up when they have no intention of paying or making it awkward :( Your husband needs to be more confident that his presence is enough and only spend what you collectively are happy to spend, knowing it is not going to be reciprocated x

I get more joy from giving than receiving, maybe that's where he gets his joy, he could roll it back if he wanted, but has chosen not to.

They a takers, plain and simple. There's plenty like them. The only thing you can control is how much you let them take from you.

I'd be cutting out gifts for the adults for starters.

It feels like your husband is overly generous and your getting annoyed they are not matching it.
Just stop with all the paying for things, you're two separate family units going out for a meal, there's no reason for him to insist on paying for everyone.
My BIL and SIL noticeably order more when they know they aren't paying for a meal, it's shocking and I would never offer to even pay half with them.

This. Calling it ‘generosity’ is reframing stupidity as a virtue.

It isn’t.

On the plus side your husband sounds a very kind man but this is getting ridiculous.

He buys presents whenever he sees them... if it is one kids birthday he buys presents for all the kids... he buys presents for adults that don't buy presents for him year in year out.

To be honest I don't blame his brother for not buying presents - your husband should just stop. Our environment is straining under all the unwanted tat that we buy for each other.

Meals out for a family with 4 kids sounds expensive - and that's not for a moment suggesting that you should pay but it sounds like you visited them and kept eating out. I think for everyone's budget you should see if you can find alternatives. E.g. could you suggest one if you are staying with them you take turns organising dinner - e.g. supermarket pizzas and salad or whatever.

There is generous versus stingy but there is also flush versus skint. And there is also financial priorities. It seems to me like your husbands generosity has been over generosity setting him in a role of the bountiful splurger. I'm not sure the solution is to expect a father of 4 kids to pay for everyone in restaurants I think the solution is to reign it in.

They don’t appreciate what you’re choosing to spend on them or recognize it as the generosity it is, but taking it as something owed to them.

They’re taking the piss, but you’re allowing them to. Your husband especially. They’re not going to change because why would they? They’re benefiting. The onus is on you and your husband to end this dynamic. If your husband wants to continue then he can do it with his own money.

also I skipped over the bit where he buys not- feeling-left -out gifts for the other kids. That’s insane. Your husband is probs subsidising these kids pocket money that their father won’t give them

if he refuses then I would separate your finances. It’s his family after all.

I'd be knocking the gifts right on the head now and stop paying for everything.

Stop buying them gifts and stop paying for meals. If I went out with them again I'd make a point to only pay for what we had.

Token gift for kids- they don't all need a gift on siblings birthday- that's absolutely crazy and why some kids are spoiled brats these days!!

Stop being doormats!! You're obviously understandably fed up of it and of family money being spent like this.

Then this is a DH problem which you need to sort out with him if you no longer want household finances to be spent this way. If he wants to play the Big Man with his wallet and go around treating everybody to meals and gifts, and won’t say to anyone that he’s hurt he never gets a birthday present, that’s for him to own. You can insist that he doesn’t use any joint money to do it, and express to him that you think he’s being daft to spend so much.

£50 from extended family is absolutely ridiculous, let alone £100. For your own child, maybe. For nieces and nephews, no way. I’m shocked their parents even let them accept that much .

either a gift OR money (if over 10, usually money) is the best way to go. I have never given or received more than £20 for my birthday from aunties/uncles, and that I considered generous.

once they’re turned 18 they either will have a job, or be entitled to money, and a card should suffice. With a fiver for a drink in it if you’re feeling generous!

That's worse and must make you feel you are only invited for your wallet.

Just stop covering their meals and agree that the bill will be split with each family paying their share. I wouldn’t expect a couple with four children to necessarily have the money to be covering anyone else’s meals, and whilst your DH might like to be seen as the generous one, it’s unnecessary.

Buy smaller birthday gifts for the DC and stop with nonsense like buying gifts for all the children when it’s not their birthday or “just because” gifts when you visit. It’s just unnecessary spending which you’ve chosen to do but is totally unneeded.

Every time we see them, he buys them gifts, and for birthdays we go all out

That should have stopped some time ago.

Are you obviously much better off than they are? I think sometimes people feel a sense of entitlement towards wealthy relatives, as though they owe them in some way. Not that it's ok, I just wondered if that's how they see it.

politely decline if they invite you again.