Husband's family are stingy while he is so generous

Almost had a situation in my family with in-laws that other children got small gifts on the birthday child’s birthday. I put a stop to that. Ridiculous!

Its a fast way to spoilt, greedy, entitled children.

The birthday child is allowed a day to be special/centre of attention. As long as all the family children are treated the same in their big day that’s all that matters.

£50 to a niece/nephew is also a lot. We set gifts to family at £20. Only DC get gifts (even if the DC are adults - small family)

Reduce the gift giving! For some family members we give a tiny gift and then a contribution for their savings for the future.

Tell the waitstaff you want separate bills at the start.
Stop buying the adults gifts. I’d stop with the kids too but if you want keep that up. I had my kids later than my relatives my age and most of my friends. I spent years buying their kids gifts. When mine eventually came along what did they get from all these people? Nothing.

For the children not to be left out you can buy inexpensive gifts, colouring books, pens, stickers young children have no idea of the cost and a very small present is sufficient. When it comes to splitting the bill your DH's family is doing well considering there are 2 of you and 6 of them !

YANBU there should be split bills to make it fairer.
However, I should think having four children makes eating out etc very expensive and there may be some financial issues that you're both not aware of. It does seem they're taking advantage though 😕

Always, always split the bill- they should pay their share. Buy the children a small gift , provided of course, you get a thank you, even if that’s only a text from one of the parents- if a thank you doesn’t come simply stop
providing presents and if it’s mentioned just say you thought they weren’t interested in receiving them as they were never acknowledged. Stop the one sided adult birthday present buying and suggest that at Christmas the four of you have a secret Santa so you only buy one present each. If you don’t get a present under this system
then never buy a present again. Remind yourselves that it isn’t good for the children to only receive and never show thanks or see their parents reciprocate- they will grow up similarly mean spirited and will have an awful shock when others are not so ridiculously one sidedly generous. It isn’t actually about the money- presents can cost a couple of pounds/ it’s about them having no thought for you whatsoever. Stand firm

I wonder if being too generous is maladjusted, just as bring stingy is. It’s people pleasing and must be in part rooted in having felt a need to keep everyone happy when he was a child. It’s also not entirely considerate to you as it causes you anxiety.
I would have a frank talk with him where you plan a strategy for each scenario involving his family. I’d definitely extricate yourselves from situations where you’re paying for multiple meals for everyone and I’d set a lower budget for the children’s presents.
Remember, that in the future this generosity will go unremarked on and unremembered-it’s just been a waste of your resources.

Sounds similar to DHs dynamics with his Dsis and their family. I think they got used to him being the high flyer with the big income treating them all including his nephews, then I came along. But circumstances change, we had our own DS and we are now near retirement and should not be treating adults who probably have more disposable income than we do. But thing is DH secretly enjoys being the generous uncle and brother, so it comes hard to him to keep his hands in his pockets.

This year is the first year that we have paid a fair share on our holiday rental - previously we have always paid more than what we used and for meals we now tend to go to places that use apps, so everyone can pay for their own. It’s hard to break out of long standing habits, DBil is also weird around eating out and costs and tipping ( used to steal ours and use it towards our share until I got wise to it) so our natural inclination was to smooth things over by just paying for things, but it never seemed to make anyone happier or more grateful and meant we spent more money, so we stopped.

Could you not say that you will contribute X amount for each child's birthday, and if he wants to spoil them further he can top up with his own money?

I don't think you should expect him to reign in gifts for kids that he obviously loves and enjoys giving - but you don't have to pay for this.

We have kids and my brother/sil don't. We very robustly refuse gifts at birthdays and Christmas and tell them just to buy for the kids. I do think little kids appreciate/need gifts more, maybe because birthdays and Christmas just matter more when you're little.
They just sound like they're cheeky, they've sold themselves a story like "they've no kids and 2 incomes, they must be rolling in it, it's their duty to subsidise us". Just hold firm on meals out etc, it'll be awkward but don't cave or tell your husband not to cave! Send a card for the adults and kids don't know the value of toys at that age, they'll love something cheap as much as something expensive. Yes they're CF but your husband needs to hold firm, everyone's got used to this dynamic so it'll be hard to stop it without any awkwardness. If there's something you're saving towards maybe remind him before seeing them "yes let's treat the kids to some smarties each but we can't pay for dinner, it'll impact saving for our trip to xyz/new kitchen etx"

I think it is lovely to be a generous auntie and uncle and am sure you enjoy buying the children presents and treats. I would not cut back on that, but would cut back on presents for adults and make sure the expectation is that all bills are split.

Kids can’t be expected to buy reciprocal presents fir adults, but their parents can be expected to let them know when auntie & uncle’s birthdays are and IME kids love doing a drawing / writing a poem / making a card - things that cost nothing but kids won’t do if they don’t know.

I've never understood the Idea of buying other kids a gift so they don't feel left out when a sibling has a birthday. They SHOULD feel left out - it's not their day! They get their chance on their birthday.
I don't think your problem is your in-laws, it's your husband! He clearly likes splashing the cash being the favourite uncle and I doubt that you will be able to change him. If someone enjoys spending on others you will have a hard time stopping them.
I understand because I love gift giving, friends will say you really should cut down but I love finding just the right gift, regardless of the price. I always say I am not bothered about getting gifts back, a nice card is sufficient, and I mean it 100%, I get far more enjoyment out of shopping for others than I do from receiving gifts. If your hubby's love language is gift giving you will find it hard to get him to stop!

His sister isn’t that lovely if she doesn’t offer to share the bill, doesn’t buy her brother a gift when she’s spending so much and orders 2 expensive cocktails knowing she’s not paying! Wtaf! I don’t how you can enjoy dinners with then especially the husband, so embarrassing that there’s 6 of them and he has to be forced to pay his share. I’d order and pay separately from now on. Tbh your husband has a big part to play in it too, £50 for a birthday gift is far too much and buying the others is crazy

That makes it easier for you to stop buying the non-birthday presents. If he doesn't agree to stop this custom, he can contribute more from his account.

Surely they are loaded only someone extremely wealthy would have 4 children in this day and age.

I agree. It’s actually ruining the birthday child’s birthday a bit. Not cool.

You spend way too much on them and are very thoughtful however buying the other children gifts takes away the magic of the birthday child. It’s the birthday child’s special day and they shouldn’t have to share it.

Agree, looking at this from the other side they aren't forcing you to do anything, your husband is choosing to do this. You can only change your own behaviour not theirs so just stop.

I agree it's lovely to care about and treat Nephew's and Nieces but that doesn't need to mean toys every visit. It can be more low key for example if you are all at the park he could get them ice creams from the ice cream van and that would equally bring your husband the pleasure of treating them.

Sorry, I know I'll be the odd one, but maybe it's just that he really loves his family and the kids. We see my family once a year and also buy gifts for everyone (clothes and chocolates for kids and it's kind of a cultural thing) and a big gift on a special occassion. I know that my DH sends some money to his family, too, but it doesn't bother me in the slightest as we share similar values - our families are very important to us and I know they would support us in tough times. I think what your DH does with his family is his business as long as it doesn't have any impact on your finances. What about your family? Maybe you're resentful as you don't feel the same towards your family and you are not close to them?

It’s all very one-sided and it must be hurtful to see your husband’s generosity go unreciprocated, especially on something as basic as his birthday.

It’s completely fair to scale back, especially when the thoughtfulness isn’t being matched. There’s nothing wrong with setting boundaries, and spending less doesn’t make you any less kind or caring.

Honestly, just stop it. What is the point of birthdays if everyone gets a present? You are teaching them nothing OP. Just buy less. It feels like you are trying to buy love from them.

£20 in a card would be a good birthday present for the birthday child because they can choose what they want and it's not so visible that it would be hard for the other kids to cope. For 4 kids that's £80 each year and job done. Just say you are getting concerned about the environment so you are just going to give the birthday child money to choose what they want.

If your husband would rather give £30/£40/£50 as long as it's the same for each child then it's very straight forward and the other children will know or can be told that they get theirs when it is their birthday. At least they can spend it on what they actually want or save it towards something that they want.

I wouldn't assume that the parents love having lots of new toys to find space for every time you visit. They might prefer the change.

Just to say, when I didn’t have kids I loved to be an auntie and loved buying presents for nieces and nephews. It’s an important family member for kids. Maybe your husband is enjoying investing in his nieces and nephews and enjoys buying nice presents for them, that’s why he is being generous with presents.
i think it’s a good thing to scale it back, but he might want to pay some extra into a savings account for them. For example if going forward it’s £15 presents and no left out presents at birthdays, he could put £5 or something into an account for them instead (and don’t tell them). As the years go by the amount will increase as he tops it up when he can then he could give them a lump sum to go to college with or put towards a nice item/holiday or something when they are grown up.
They would probably appreciate that more and he would still be investing in his nieces and nephews. It’s really nice for them to have an uncle that is generous and cares for them.
I still love doing what I can for my nieces and nephews 😀

Do you put more in savings than him? If so I'd no longer have a joint pot.

I'd only contribute £10 to each birthday child's gift, it's up to him if he spends more.