Parents who admit to extreme gender disappointment makes me shudder

Same!

My mum was desperate for a girl and got me. I’m an introverted tomboy and I have absolutely nothing in common with her. I think it was very confusing for her when I was a child. She was expecting a clone of herself, or at least a child she could mold.

I honestly think if I wasn’t her child she wouldn’t like me at all as a person. She wanted to have girls holidays and shopping trips, and for me to live nearby and give her lots of grandchildren.

I was always quiet and bookish (though I’m happy with this!) and moved away from my home town forever because I wanted a completely different life. I don’t think it occurred to her that I’d be so different to her.

I probably had what you would describe as mild gender disappointment. I didn't know what to do with a girl as I'm not typically girly. We only planned for one child and after previous two losses it was hard to get my head around. However after a week I got over it and loved saying I was having a girl. She's amazing at six and I love the bones of her. Then we felt that we wanted to be more than a three and honestly that time I couldn't have cared less what the gender was. We kept it a surprise as we were that unbothered. Turned out he was a boy but there was no euphoria over it just here's our second child sort of thing.

YANBU

I agree. I have 3 boys (well, 2 are men), and whilst I do sometimes wonder what having a daughter might be like, i would never say I am disappointed. I have 3 amazing sons who are all completely different individuals.

If you have kids you have to expect the unexpected, they could turn out one of a million different ways (gender isn't even a fraction of it), they could be academic, sporty, religious, bookish, shy, theatrical, adventurous.. none of those things is dependent on their gender (or sexuality), and you don't get to pick and choose. Anyone who has a child with expectations on how the child turns out is being hugely selfish and probably shouldn't be a parent. If you can't cope if you don't get the gender you want, how will cope if the child develops a mental or physical disability?

I cried when I found out my second baby was going to be a boy. Not because I had any problems with boys, but because my kids were the same age gap as me and my brother and we fought like cats and dogs - physical, awful fights. I was so worried my kids would be the same. But I got over my tears right away and was completely fine. It was just the initial "shock" of thinking my kids would be a repeat of my brother and me. Luckily, they get along great and always have. And I couldn't love either of them any more than I do!

I am so sorry .
I completely agree with you .

This.

Just to add it sadly always seems to be baby boys that are the bigger 'disappointment'.
My 2 boys were the most gorgeous babies and little boys now young men .
They were very much wanted and their births celebrated , my 3rd baby a girl was wanted too but i would have been just as happy with a 3rd boy.

I fear that the thing that causes such an extreme preference will also manifest in other ways and I don’t think just ending up with the sex of baby you desire means that’s the problem solved.

Agree and I think it can do more damage. There is usually an expectation attached when parents are desperate for one gender. So when the daughter doesn’t want to be a mini-me or stay living nearby or doesn’t ever have her own children, or when the son has zero interest in playing football there’s even more ‘gender disappointment’.

YANBU. I don’t understand why you would get pregnant at all if you feel like this, given that it’s only a 50% chance of getting the sex you want. Maybe people don’t realise they’re going to feel like that until they’re actually pregnant I guess. But yeah, it’s upsetting- especially when it’s documented and shared with the internet.

I agree. I think it makes it seem like they are more interested in having a doll or a puppet to control, rather than producing a unique and beautiful new human being.
I resent deeply the sympathies or dismissive comments I’ve received as a mother of three boys. As the second of my sons was stillborn, I find it especially icky when people are anything other than over the moon at the birth of a healthy living child of either sex.
Imagine carrying your baby’s coffin and then tell me again how “heartbroken” you are that they have a pee pee instead of a fairy.

Verrrry much agree. I work in antenatal care and as much as I keep my opinions to myself and smile.... I absolutely cannot abide when people whinge about the baby being the wrong gender.
It's especially grating when you've just dealt with someone dealing with something tragic like a miscarriage or an abnormality.

Of course it's human nature to think such things. We all have a myriad of thoughts, good , bad, weird... Some of them are best off kept inside your head. A disappointment of your precious childs gender is one of them in my opinion..

Something I’ve seen a few times recently is women posting on here who are happy to be having a little boy but their own mum is disappointed and making a big deal out of it to the point where it’s causing the OP lots of upset.

I think too much normalising and ‘validating’ gender disappointment will lead to more of this. When I see posters say they were so relieved and would have been devastated to not have a daughter, no interest in having a boy I always think of the fact a lot of those little girls will grow up and have only sons and will they have to deal with their own mum being ‘devastated’ for them 🙄

Agreed. I was a little disappointed when I found out I was having a boy for quite a few reasons (nearly all of them selfish). But the second I held him I couldn’t believe I ever felt that way. Surely if you can hold your baby and still feel disappointed then it’s usually more of a MH/PPD situation?

I absolutely judge parents who do this and feel so sorry for these poor unborn babies who years down the line have a very good chance of finding this out .
I wish they would keep their thoughts shared between themselves only and their big mouths shut.
And be very very grateful for the perfect and hopefully healthy baby they get whatever the sex.

She does have a right to a preference, but she is an absolute idiot for being gutted. How ridiculous!

I also find it interesting that for every post we see from people with extreme gender disappointment, there’s going to be roughly the same number of people out there who feel equally as strongly but DID get the sex they wanted so have no reason to post.

I fear that the thing that causes such an extreme preference will also manifest in other ways and I don’t think just ending up with the sex of baby you desire means that’s the problem solved.

I totally agree op. It's awful. I know 2 people who were outwardly devastated to have a boy. As the only mum of 2 boys and no girls in my friendship group I know I'm massively pitied as well which I find odd as I couldn't have cared less what I had!

I never really listened too hard, it was all nonsense about having someone to dress up, share girly times with etc.

I love seeing the relationship that my boys have, no regrets here.

I always think aswell, I'm not a very 'girly' girl, stereotypes are not guarantees for whatever magical connection they think a girl might bring. A child is their own person and the fun of being a parent is in watching them become them in ways you hadn't imagined.

Agreed.

I know someone who was soooo obviously convinced they were having a boy both of their pregnancies and found out day of birth they were daughters. Both times you could tell they were so disappointed after 9 months of mentally preparing for a boy (and having ‘gifted’ friends say they knew it was boy). It was extra sad because it seemed to take the shine off the day their born as you could sense the sadness. If you’re that invested in the gender you need to put coping mechanisms in place!

Ye

My sister In law told me she was 'gutted' that she was having a girl. I lost my first baby, a girl, at 41 weeks. She would be 20 this month. I posted on here at the time and was told I was being unreasonable and sister in law had every right to a preference!!

Couldn’t agree more. After 5 losses I’d just be happy to bring home a baby