To think that not all trauma deserves sympathy?

Definitely. I’ve known many with trauma, and if they use it to behave negatively towards me eg aggressive or cold etc then I know the explanation but I don’t put up with the behaviour. There’s nearly always an explanation why someone behaves badly but it doesn’t excuse it, they need to learn to not be like that.

Your title does not reflect the premise of your question. Yes, all trauma deserves my sympathy, and no, it does not excuse behaviour.

I went through much of my early life with people mispronouncing my name, and added to that I had an unusual surname which some people couldn't get their heads around. I actually changed the spelling of my name by dead poll to get people to call me the correct name. I never realised I was supposed to be suffering from some kind of trauma from it all.

I think it depends what weaponising looks like- everyone deals with things differently and some people don’t cope or manage as well as others. It’s easy to say we all go through shit but some people wade through it, some march stoically on while others fall and need someone to start pulling them through

I think all trauma deserves sympathy, but doesn’t excuse passing that trauma onto someone else. E.g If someone has a traumatic childhood I would feel sympathy. But if they then went on to abuse their children or start committing crimes against others I wouldn't think that’s a reason to excuse their behaviour.

If they really are using it as an excuse, I agree. However, in some cases, such as PTSD, people don't even have control over all of their behaviour. I would definitely give them some grace for that. In general though, while we should feel compassion for somebody's trauma, it doesn't mean we have to like the person or let them get away with being horrible. For example, I can feel a bit of compassion for Trump because he had a cruel, monstrous father. However, I still hate Trump's guts. I do have a soft heart, but at the same time I don't tolerate scumbags and can go absolutely ballistic on them if they are abusive and evil.
Hope that makes sense.

I've trauma from the death of my twin sons 20 months ago shortly after birth. One of my little boys was stillborn and our other little twin son died in our arms five days later after all further treatment options were gone and we removed life support. I fight constant flashbacks to test week but I'm getting there, recently had my rainbow baby so that's complex in itself.

I never really doubt people saying they have trauma though but its probably because you wouldn't know it looking at me unless you knew my story. So I tend to believe you dont know what people have gone through in comparison to what they actually tell you. I agree though it doesn't excuse bad behaviour

Well done. That’s an amazing achievement. Your comments make me feel better that someone can understand their behaviour wasn’t ok despite them being an addict.

My DH is a recovering alcoholic and he doesn’t accept that he treated me horribly before he was in recovery. He had PTSD from going to war in 2003 (has been treated be a veterans charity to help him recover) and he also uses this as an excuse for awful past behaviour. He’s never accepted that he was in the wrong.

Yanbu. I lost three sons due to being stillborn, my grandad, my mother in law, my youngest son nearly died in front of my eyes from a misdiagnosis and then diagonsed with a disease that tries to kill him daily, my other child has a learning disability and currently going through a horrific time medically all in the space of a couple of years and i still dont behave shitty to other people.
Theres no excuse in the world to treat people like dirt. (Unless theyve done something terrible.)
Sick of people using their trauma as a way to behave badly.

Some people are clearly dealing with trauma. I also think “trauma” as a widened concept and convincing everybody they have some, has also been ill-adopted by and become a great money spinner for low-rent therapists and those who peddle self-help books and coaching courses and wellbeing activities.

I have an acquaintance who made a decision in young adulthood to tell people her name was spelled a different way than it is on her birth certificate, because so many people pronounced it incorrectly. She’s now decided to change it back - but also wangs on at length on social media about having realised and having to come to terms with the impact of the trauma that society gave her by forcing her to deny her identity and personhood with its ignorance.

Absolutely good for her that she’s now decided to spell her name how she wants and in a way she feels reflects who she is. The rest is just bonkers.

This really, not all trauma can be healed not everyone knows where to go has the headspace to seek help, it is complex .

I personally have medical trauma it is a form of ptsd I cope fine usually but I will never be healed.

I’ve been very fortunate to have had a trauma free life, but have a few friends and family who haven’t. On the whole the act normally but occasionally their experiences reflect their reactions to situations. I always try to respect why they react as such. Incidentally we are talking about still births, DV, 7/7 and serving in the armed forces and Fire brigade.

For me trauma is surviving the war or experiencing somebody being killed in front of you, or having gone through torture. But now 'trauma' seems to refer to everyday things that most of us seem to have gone through at some point in our lives. Like a bad job, a bad boss, a bad boyfriend, a dog has died, getting fired, somewhat lacking childhood, etc. There is just so much of it nowadays described as trauma that are just normal human life experiences that the word's meaning itself has devalued.

I do think trauma deserves some empathy and understanding although if a person is lashing out at you consistently and it is affecting you then you don't have to accept it.

Absolutely this

Trauma can explain why people act and respond in certain ways, but it is also their responsibility to receive help so that they don't then continue the cycle and cause trauma to others.

I think you underestimate the help available to people, particularly good trauma informed help.

Personally I think the people who use trauma as an excuse to be a twat to others, often have the most minimal 'traumatic' experiences. I find people who have experienced really serious kinds of trauma, rarely use it as an excuse for anything.

You can have sympathy for someone's predicament or trauma without excusing them from bad behaviour.

But trauma and bad behaviour are totally separate things. All trauma does deserve sympathy.

If something happens to someone else that you wouldn't want to happen to you then it's only decent human nature to feel sympathy and empathy.

Yeah totally agree. The OP is conflating two separate ideas.

I think you, and other people who are responding to you, don’t really understand the meaning of trauma. Having something bad happen to you does not always equal trauma - it is unfortunate that it gets minimised.

I think there’s a difference between being sympathetic and letting people excuse terrible behaviour with trauma. I think all trauma deserves compassion and sympathy, but that sympathy can and should have a limit when trauma is being used as an excuse for hurting others.

All trauma deserves sympathy.

It doesn't excusing causing harm to others, either emotionally, physically, financially or sexually.

Trauma can explain why people act and respond in certain ways, but it is also their responsibility to receive help so that they don't then continue the cycle and cause trauma to others.

Your title is misleading to what you are actually saying, I think.

Absolutely agree OP.
Someone in my extended family is like this. Yes, they have had some very difficult times and I wouldn't want to swap lives, but this is used as an excuse for all kinds of appalling behaviour and my sympathy evaporated quite a long time ago. Other people in our wider family have been through and are still going through some tough times too but this one person's trauma is always more important than everyone else's. Not only are they demanding and self pitying but they refuse to take responsibility for their own part in their problems and learn nothing from the past. If they say jump everyone is expected to say how high and to say it instantly or there's an outburt of personal insults and a toddler like meltdown where we get told that nobody's life is as hard as theirs. No "excuse" for failing to drop everything and run to their aid is acceptable and even if you do help it's never enough.
I had lots of sympathy in the beginning but 7 or 8 years down the line when the person has made no progress, shows no willingness to accept any help that requires them to address underlying problems or change themselves it's gone. Yes, "they've been through a lot" but that doesn't mean that every friend and relation has to centre their lives around them. I am absolutely finished with being kind!

I agree. It also isn’t a licence to entirely dominate all conversations. If two people are meeting, they must each be able to speak for a third of the time with the remaining third up for grabs. Someone who doesn’t obey this rule will get avoided after a while.