TW - SA. To think that infidelity is rape

Eh?

Who said anything about it being someone you’ve just met? What about when it’s a husband you’ve been with for decades when you discover a deception?

Then maybe don’t sleep you’ve just met and it won’t happen 🤦🏻‍♀️ you should realise men will tell you anything to get you into bed? So that should be a crime? Really? So a woman that jumps into bed with every man she meets it’s their fault? Devastating? Can’t be that devastating when she continues to keep doing it sex doesn’t equal a relationship, so you think a man should be arrested for not making her his girlfriend after sex?

I’d assume it would be if you slept together after the cheating without knowing he cheated. Otherwise it would make nonsense saying well I wouldn’t have slept with you five years ago if I knew you’d cheat now. That’s too far.

I can see where she is coming from to an extent. Maybe not rape, but as PP have said - another crime of sex by deception would make sense, as it can have devastating consequences.

And how far into the future does it extend? "I only consent if you never cheat on me in the future..." Can it become rape retroactively?

I don't think technically this is right actually because it would imply some level of control over the other person's body. For example, what about if person 1 said to person 2 - "I don't want to have sex with anyone who masterbates", does that mean if person 2 has a secret wank and then has sex with person 1, it is rape?

It's also just not legally correct at all.

I don’t agree this is rape and really where do you draw the line? My sister use to say if a man sleeps with her after telling her he wants a relationship then she finds out it was a lie and he just wanted to get her into bed then she feels that it’s rape, I think you will get a lot of people claiming any kind of deception is rape.

It’s unhealthy thinking, seeking condemnatory outcomes.

Oh, now, you see you made a presumptive value judgment.

But to bite your bait, yes, I think just as poorly of women who shag about and then shag their partner. Ok?

Oh, now, you see you made a presumptive value judgment.

But to bite your bait, yes, I think just as poorly of women who shag about and then shag their partner. Ok?

I agree with this.

Obviously it is deceptive and a horrible thing to do to someone but it is not rape in the legal definition - and not do I think we should be pushing for it to be.

Sex by deception being rape just opens up a can of worms, especially if it’s deception by omission rather than outright lying. Are we meant to tell everyone we ever sleep with every potential detail that could influence their decision to sleep with us? How do you know what would influence one person and not another? Aren’t people entitled to privacy? Especially if those details are in your past (e.g. virgin or not, raped previously, once had a drug problem and is now past it). Obviously there are caveats for safety (getting tested etc) but if the person has been responsible aren’t we all entitled to move on from our past and have a fresh start?

I also think it’s very dangerous to legislate on morality in these ways. Historically laws are only ever really applied to the lower class and the rich/powerful can get away with whatever they want. Anti-adultery laws and punishments are never applied to the rich man who cheats on his wife. But they are used to punish the woman who was raped, but she can’t prove it was rape, so in the courts eyes she was just unfaithful.

Of course I’m not saying it’s not horrible and in some cases traumatic to be cheated on and lied to. But to legislate on morality in this way with so many grey areas is dangerous and I think would inevitably end up hurting more innocent people and women. Cheaters deserve social consequences but I think legal ones are a step too far.

Yeah. Like just say someone only wanted to sleep with millionaires. Their sexual partner claimed to be one, but actually only had a modest income. They had sex.

It's deceptive but not rape.

Presumably the same level as the dumbass women that cheat and then sleep with their husbands/partners. Or do you think only men cheat?

I really think you have a point OP, and Ive never thought about it before. If stealthing is considered rape in law, and you could be charged for it (doubtful in reality), I don't see why consent by deception couldn't be considered rape.

I remember when my exDH pretended he wasn't sleeping with other women to reconcile with me and I slept with him several times. I was absolutely devastated when I found out, and definately would not have consented. I felt really violated. I think thats as bad as stealthing.

My rather pedant mind does wonder how this works in reverse where a female partner is having an affair behind her male partners back ?

If he's passed on an STI to you it can be illegal to intentionally or recklessly transmit a sexually transmitted infection (STI) in the UK. The law focuses on intentional or reckless transmission, particularly of HIV, but also applies to other STIs.

What would happen if both partners were having an affair? Would the 2 "rapes" cancel each other out or would they both be guilty?

Absolutely

As per user name. I’m not sure I’ve ever got over my experience of this. It was violating in the circumstances - the day before he knew he was going to leave me and our young children and wilfully take our lives apart, bit by bit.

That wasn’t consent.

What a disgusting and insulting post to people that have actually been raped.

And to people who have been cheated on.

You have a warped mind and need to seek help.

Having been both raped and cheated on, no. I don’t think it’s rape personally, or even remotely close to the sense of violation and fear as each other.

Exactly this 👏

In my case, I’d argue that my ex was actively cheating at the time because he would come home immediately after having unprotected sex with another woman, and have sex with me. Sorry if TMI but he was literally introducing another woman’s bodily fluids into my vagina without my knowledge. That felt like an assault to me. I think it gave him some kind of power trip. I apologise if anyone finds that offensive but it is how I felt.

Yabu. And offensive.

I wouldn’t consent to have sex with a man who had had 50 previous partners. Who did drugs. Who has slept with other men. Who doesn’t see his kids.

by your definition most people don’t disclose everything about themselves before they have sex so in fact you could argue that 99% of first sex is rape.