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AIBU?

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Original poster

To go on holiday with DD’s, but not DS?

886 replies

Suncloudstars · 08/07/2025 12:28

DS(14) is from a previous relationship and spends approximately 1/3rd of his time with his dad. I also have 2 DD’s (9 and 4) with DP.

The 5 of us went on an amazing long haul holiday for 3 weeks over the Easter holidays.

I would love to book a week away over the school summer holidays - but a cheaper, last minute sort of thing as the other holiday was an expensive one (and the main holiday of the year). however the price for all 5 of us is too much; but we could afford the cost for 2 adults and 2 DD’s.

As well as his usual days each week, DS is spending a full week with his dad over one of the school holiday weeks. His dad had previously told me that he was looking to take him abroad, but I don’t think that is now materialising. There’s still the possibility that they may have a UK break instead.

Would I be unreasonable to book a holiday abroad for myself, DP and 2 DD’s for the same week that DS is going to spend the week with his dad?

It feels slightly wrong to go without him, but I also think that he is with his dad for the week who will be taking him places/potentially going away so he’s still going to be having a good time/having experiences etc.

We can’t afford to go away a different week and take him with us. So it’s the difference between going without him whilst he’s with his dad, and not going at all.

Aibu to think that whilst he’s with his dad, it’s his dads responsibility to take him away/plan things to do with him for the week and to not feel guilty if we take DD’s away?

OP posts:
MrsPCR · 08/07/2025 23:15

Omg, when I first read this, I thought the child was OP/mum’s step-son. Which would still be quite harsh but then I re-read and realised this is her son! Omg, I have 3 and can’t imagine telling one you’re not coming because we can’t afford it! How do you choose which child!? You actuallY have 3 children. Even if the third had technically been step, you would still have 3 children!

MyWarmOchreHare · 08/07/2025 23:07

Suncloudstars · 08/07/2025 23:03

Yes I would.

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Fair enough. Would DS be happy with it? I can’t see how a child could know their parent and siblings were choosing to go on holiday without them and not be hurt. I’d have been absolutely gutted.

MyWarmOchreHare · 08/07/2025 23:05

Poetnojo · 08/07/2025 22:33

Reading this thread has been a real eye opener.
Plenty of people on this site are quick to give advice to LTB, I guess it should come with a caveat in future, only LTB if you never intend on having more children in the future and never ever going on holidays without all of them together.

Most people don't holiday with only some of their kids, regardless of whether they’re with the same father.

Original poster
Suncloudstars · 08/07/2025 23:03

MyWarmOchreHare · 08/07/2025 23:02

No. If you ex took his youngest son on holiday and excluded your DS, would you think that that was okay?

Plus, he's not going away with his dad anyway!

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Yes I would.

OP posts:
MyWarmOchreHare · 08/07/2025 23:02

Suncloudstars · 08/07/2025 13:08

But equally, he would be bonding and making memories with his dad and family whilst abroad with them would he not?

He has two full families. He has step parents and half siblings on both sides. If he’s having a wonderful time on holiday with his “dad family”, then why would it be so detrimental to him if his “mum family” was also abroad? He would be making memories with his half brother from his dad’s side, rather than his half sisters from his mum’s side. Equally he does have plenty of beautiful holidays and travel experiences with us. No?

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No. If you ex took his youngest son on holiday and excluded your DS, would you think that that was okay?

Plus, he's not going away with his dad anyway!

Needhelp101 · 08/07/2025 22:58

OP, why do you want to go on holiday without your son?

Original poster
Suncloudstars · 08/07/2025 22:55

I’d just like to add - no one has the perfect life, no one is a perfect person, there is no manual to life, yes statistics are there to perhaps give guidance, but we are all learning. No one knows everything, no one can guarantee how another is or isn’t going to be affected by something. yet so many people are adamant that people are in the wrong, potentially based on their own experiences.

I was asking for guidance and opinions on a thought I had, and then tried to discuss to understand different viewpoints. Thank you to those who were polite. I have taken on board what people have said and it has altered certain viewpoints and made me think about other things.

To those who were rude, judgmental, and continued to make incorrect assumptions - is there any need to make hurtful and incorrect comments about a person that you don’t even know? Being kind doesn’t do any harm.

OP posts:
Needhelp101 · 08/07/2025 22:45

OP, why do you want to go on a 'family' holiday without your son?
And yes, I have two teenagers. I still love to go on holiday with them.

anotherwordforit · 08/07/2025 22:44

dumbo67 · 08/07/2025 22:41

Or perhaps LTB and protect your kids, but also be prepared to damage them irreparably by getting divorced.

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Or just, y’know, not book holidays including all your children except one..

dumbo67 · 08/07/2025 22:41

Poetnojo · 08/07/2025 22:33

Reading this thread has been a real eye opener.
Plenty of people on this site are quick to give advice to LTB, I guess it should come with a caveat in future, only LTB if you never intend on having more children in the future and never ever going on holidays without all of them together.

Or perhaps LTB and protect your kids, but also be prepared to damage them irreparably by getting divorced.

Original poster
Suncloudstars · 08/07/2025 22:34

Poetnojo · 08/07/2025 22:33

Reading this thread has been a real eye opener.
Plenty of people on this site are quick to give advice to LTB, I guess it should come with a caveat in future, only LTB if you never intend on having more children in the future and never ever going on holidays without all of them together.

Isn’t that the truth!

OP posts:
Poetnojo · 08/07/2025 22:33

Reading this thread has been a real eye opener.
Plenty of people on this site are quick to give advice to LTB, I guess it should come with a caveat in future, only LTB if you never intend on having more children in the future and never ever going on holidays without all of them together.

Franpie · 08/07/2025 22:32

OP, why not ask your DS “if finances allow, would you like to do another short cheap trip abroad over the summer?”

If he says yes, then you know you need to include him and not go at all if it’s too much. If he’s not bothered then you can suggest the 4 of you go away when he’s at his dad’s.

My DS isn’t bothered at all about holidays (other than skiing). He doesn’t like the sun, is a homebody and would much prefer to stay in London with his friends. My DD on the other hand can’t get enough holidays and would be beyond pissed if I went anywhere without her. She maintains a 365 day a year tan!

IanStirlingrocks · 08/07/2025 22:30

Fastingandhungry · 08/07/2025 12:59

A lot of posters are being dramatic

Ha ha I agree with that!
I mean I do get where most are coming from to be fair but at 14 I think asking him what he thinks is the best way to go.
if he’s having a holiday so you have one at the same time then I think that’s ok.
i’m assuming he likes his dad and family and spends time with them voluntarily?
If so, he may not be that bothered about your holiday.
i suppose if you do go without him you need to make sure you do some things just you and him so he doesn’t feel as if you always favour his sisters.

whynotmereally · 08/07/2025 22:25

No it’s highlighting the fact that he’s not a full member of the family. He will be hurt.

Liverpool52 · 08/07/2025 22:24

sarah419 · 08/07/2025 22:19

you either all go or you all don’t go. you’ve already hurt him in breaking up of family, don’t make it worse for him by casting him out.

I'm not sure replying to this Op achieves anything, they clearly wanted vindication and didn't get it.

dumbo67 · 08/07/2025 22:23

sarah419 · 08/07/2025 22:19

you either all go or you all don’t go. you’ve already hurt him in breaking up of family, don’t make it worse for him by casting him out.

Jesus the comments on this thread! You have no idea about the circumstances surrounding the relationship breakdown so stop with the guilt tripping and assumptions about the kids feelings. It’s pathetic.

sarah419 · 08/07/2025 22:19

you either all go or you all don’t go. you’ve already hurt him in breaking up of family, don’t make it worse for him by casting him out.

Original poster
Suncloudstars · 08/07/2025 22:11

namechangeGOT · 08/07/2025 21:59

You’ve not answered this OP and I feel it’s important. If your son is getting good quality, extended time with just you. Not a couple of hours here and there but actual work extended time then that would change my view of ‘absolutely not’ to ‘perhaps yes, if he was to be on holiday with his dad’

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Yes he does.

OP posts:
namechangeGOT · 08/07/2025 21:59

namechangeGOT · 08/07/2025 19:02

OP, what extended 1-1 time does your son get alone with you without stepdad and half siblings being there? His sisters get extended time alone with just mum and dad. Does he get special extended 1-1 time with just Mum?

You’ve not answered this OP and I feel it’s important. If your son is getting good quality, extended time with just you. Not a couple of hours here and there but actual work extended time then that would change my view of ‘absolutely not’ to ‘perhaps yes, if he was to be on holiday with his dad’

Terfarina · 08/07/2025 21:51

However robust your son may be, and of course I don’t know him, 14 is the most vulnerable volatile age and you are already starting to lose them at this age, They don’t need any pushing.

I am currently on holiday with my stepson (25), son (22) and daughter (16). No way in hell would I have taken 2/3 of them away when they were children. Age 18 + it is up to them if they come away with us and luckily they usually want to.

Don’t risk alienating your son and damaging your future relationship.

cc99xo · 08/07/2025 21:43

I’m sorry but I think is an awful thing to do

Original poster
Suncloudstars · 08/07/2025 21:34

Moonnstars · 08/07/2025 21:23

You still haven't replied to the point about leaving the 4 year old and taking DS. Therefore the older children go, and youngest stays with grandparents. How would you feel in that situation?

I don’t need to answer it because it’s not comparable.

comparing going away with a parent (I.e. his dad) is not the same as being left with grandparents.

OP posts:
diterictur · 08/07/2025 21:24

Suncloudstars · 08/07/2025 21:09

I have.

“IF” DS was to go on holiday with his dad, then I didn’t think it would be too much of a bad thing to also take the girls away on a holiday at the same time. So that they don’t miss out; and also because it’s the chance for another holiday. Yes it would be cheaper, but if DS was also enjoying a holiday abroad, I didn’t realise it would be such a bad thing.

everyone’s lifestyle is different and individual; for our lifestyle and relationships, I didn’t think it would be so much of a big deal. I personally don’t think DS would feel excluded; he’s a smart boy and I know that after a chat, he would more than likely see that he’s not being excluded or missing out, IF he was also going on holiday with his dad.

there is no reason to be wanting to go away without him.

we are not a “one family holiday a year” sort of family; so the emphasis on it being one super special time a year is perhaps not the same for us, as it is for some others.

I’ve since discovered most people don’t agree.

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But even this doesn't answer why you want to do this

You are saying "it wouldn't be a bad thing" - not explaining why it would be a good thing?

And they wouldn't miss out if you arranged it for a different week

Woahtherehoney · 08/07/2025 21:23

OP I don’t think there is anything wrong with you going away IF he is going away with his dad at the same time. I think you’ve accepted it wouldn’t be fair to go away if he’s just sitting at his dads house whilst you go away.

what I think you need to be prepared for though is for him to be disappointed even if he goes away with his dad. His sisters will have shared memories with you he didn’t - even if at the time he was somewhere else, that is still a hard emotion to manage especially for a teenager. I’m not at all saying you shouldn’t do it, but be prepared that he may feel slightly resentful or sad. He might not, only you know your DS, but he probably feels a bit different to his siblings all of whom live with both their respective parents whereas he is the one in between.

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