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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go on holiday with DD’s, but not DS?

886 replies

Suncloudstars · 08/07/2025 12:28

DS(14) is from a previous relationship and spends approximately 1/3rd of his time with his dad. I also have 2 DD’s (9 and 4) with DP.

The 5 of us went on an amazing long haul holiday for 3 weeks over the Easter holidays.

I would love to book a week away over the school summer holidays - but a cheaper, last minute sort of thing as the other holiday was an expensive one (and the main holiday of the year). however the price for all 5 of us is too much; but we could afford the cost for 2 adults and 2 DD’s.

As well as his usual days each week, DS is spending a full week with his dad over one of the school holiday weeks. His dad had previously told me that he was looking to take him abroad, but I don’t think that is now materialising. There’s still the possibility that they may have a UK break instead.

Would I be unreasonable to book a holiday abroad for myself, DP and 2 DD’s for the same week that DS is going to spend the week with his dad?

It feels slightly wrong to go without him, but I also think that he is with his dad for the week who will be taking him places/potentially going away so he’s still going to be having a good time/having experiences etc.

We can’t afford to go away a different week and take him with us. So it’s the difference between going without him whilst he’s with his dad, and not going at all.

Aibu to think that whilst he’s with his dad, it’s his dads responsibility to take him away/plan things to do with him for the week and to not feel guilty if we take DD’s away?

OP posts:
NachoChip · 09/07/2025 16:06

Needspaceforlego · 09/07/2025 15:05

And who would you suggest the DD stays behind with?

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It wasn't a serious suggestion, I don't think any of the children should be excluded.

It was to get the OP to consider why she automatically sees that because she can afford four places not five, that the DS is the one excluded, and what that means. Sadly, to me and I expect to him, it means he's not seen as an equal member of the family. I'm sure OP doesn't love him any less, but it's his position and importance in the family unit and his exclusion will say loud and clear that he's an optional, whereas the two DD's automatically got a place on that holiday.

Needspaceforlego · 09/07/2025 15:35

@Suncloudstars does DS ever get any 121 time with you?

Would it be an option to take him away for a weekend or something just you and him, doing something totally focused on what he wants?

I can totally see your dilemma both age and interests of the kids and the cost of 4 people vs 5 for a hotel.

Fancycheese · 09/07/2025 15:08

Poor kid.

You must know on some level that it’s unfair on your son, otherwise you wouldn’t have even asked. If you’re so convinced you’re in the right, leave your son behind to save money. Enjoy yourself and stop asking strangers on the internet their opinion on your life choices.

Needspaceforlego · 09/07/2025 15:05

NachoChip · 09/07/2025 14:32

But it's not. Because why don't you drop one of the DDs, and take your son?

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And who would you suggest the DD stays behind with?

Hothothothothothotlovingit · 09/07/2025 15:01

You are cutting him out to save money.

crumblingschools · 09/07/2025 15:00

@ThatLoudBear what most people don’t like in these situations is the treatment of the child not how successful the adult is. Most threads like these normally involve not taking the stepchild on holiday (from the wife’s perspective) This one is even more contentious as it is the mum’s own child that is being bumped off the holiday

ThatLoudBear · 09/07/2025 14:55

Suncloudstars · 09/07/2025 10:31

No, I just find it quite amusing how over invested and over dramatic so many strangers on the internet can be over a person they don’t even know.

Remember; there’s a difference between doing and thinking.
And If I’ve asked advice based on a THOUGHT I’ve had (and subsequently made it clear that I obviously hadn’t thought it through properly and wouldn’t intend to go away if he wasn’t), then I can’t be too much of a bad parent. Otherwise I wouldn’t be thinking and questioning my potential parental choices and decisions would I?

I’m not trying to hurt anyone; but again, the same with most posts on here - many grown women like to try and get a bit too personally judgmental and make far too many unkind remarks and comments. So just because I’m the OP, it means I have to sit and take it? I don’t think so.

Have a nice day.

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I think you represent what a lot of people seem to hate on MN:

  • a female who has a blended family
  • a female who appears to have a decent quality of life

God forbid any woman should do well for herself, or shock horror find love after a break up (where children are involved).

NachoChip · 09/07/2025 14:32

Suncloudstars · 08/07/2025 13:28

I think this is very over dramatic.

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But it's not. Because why don't you drop one of the DDs, and take your son?

Sandmaennchen · 09/07/2025 14:26

Suncloudstars · 09/07/2025 13:11

I don’t have a second family. I have one family.

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Then you shouldn’t even be considering the question in the op!

dumbo67 · 09/07/2025 14:25

crumblingschools · 09/07/2025 13:51

@Suncloudstars but by not taking your DS on holiday as he will be with his dad you are creating two families

How?! He will be with his dad anyway. He is part of two families, the op isn’t.

crumblingschools · 09/07/2025 13:51

@Suncloudstars but by not taking your DS on holiday as he will be with his dad you are creating two families

ThatCyanCat · 09/07/2025 13:26

Suncloudstars · 09/07/2025 13:11

I don’t have a second family. I have one family.

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If you want your son to believe you think that, don't leave him behind when the rest of the family goes away.

Kristy20 · 09/07/2025 13:14

Then you shouldn’t want to leave a member of that one family behind.

Original poster
Suncloudstars · 09/07/2025 13:11

ThatCyanCat · 09/07/2025 12:46

Whatever. Don't go away with your second family and leave your first child behind. That's all that matters.

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I don’t have a second family. I have one family.

OP posts:
dumbo67 · 09/07/2025 12:52

Suncloudstars · 09/07/2025 12:29

There’s a difference between giving a polite, respectful opinion; and one where you’re using your own beliefs and potential experiences, to bash another person personally and make assumptions and judgments about another persons life.

I posted for polite advice; not for the rudeness and rude judgments and assumptions that some have made. There’s a difference.

im surprised that I even have to explain that.

This is exactly the point.

Op asked for views. She got them but for the most part they have been unnecessarily nasty and insulting. The amount of projection, superiority and downright batshittery on here never fails to astound me. It is perfectly possible to give an opinion in a balanced way without resorting to insults and slurs on ops character and parenting.

Some of you are either way too over invested or simply not nice people.

ThatCyanCat · 09/07/2025 12:46

Suncloudstars · 09/07/2025 12:29

There’s a difference between giving a polite, respectful opinion; and one where you’re using your own beliefs and potential experiences, to bash another person personally and make assumptions and judgments about another persons life.

I posted for polite advice; not for the rudeness and rude judgments and assumptions that some have made. There’s a difference.

im surprised that I even have to explain that.

Whatever. Don't go away with your second family and leave your first child behind. That's all that matters.

EternalSunshine0 · 09/07/2025 12:34

ThatCyanCat · 09/07/2025 12:29

Even if the child says now that they understand they are not being excluded

But he would be excluded. If he had been told and made to agree that he wasn't, that would be sheer gaslighting.

Yes, that's why I said it might look different to them in the future.

Original poster
Suncloudstars · 09/07/2025 12:29

There’s a difference between giving a polite, respectful opinion; and one where you’re using your own beliefs and potential experiences, to bash another person personally and make assumptions and judgments about another persons life.

I posted for polite advice; not for the rudeness and rude judgments and assumptions that some have made. There’s a difference.

im surprised that I even have to explain that.

OP posts:
ThatCyanCat · 09/07/2025 12:29

Even if the child says now that they understand they are not being excluded

But he would be excluded. If he had been told and made to agree that he wasn't, that would be sheer gaslighting.

DipsyDee · 09/07/2025 12:25

Suncloudstars · 09/07/2025 10:36

Ah you’re back. No response to my questions that I asked you?

I see you’re back with your “he’s suffered” “marriage breakdown” “mum chose to have more children” (yep so did dad!) “new children” “new husband” comments.

You very much have something against women who are no longer with the parent of their child. Whatever your issue is in regards to this, doesn’t need to be projected onto people you don’t know and know nothing about.

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Then why did you even bother to start a thread if you didn’t want peoples opinions.? It’s quite baffling really

EternalSunshine0 · 09/07/2025 12:24

OP, I was the child growing up in this situation and while I wouldn't personally entertain the idea, I do see your point that you are trying to do the right thing by asking for advice on here and giving it proper thought before going ahead. With regards to whether it is ok if he is away with his dad at the same time, as someone who has been the child in this situation, my personal opinion is still no. Even if the child says now that they understand they are not being excluded etc, it may look and feel different to them when they look back in the future. I wouldn't take that risk for the sake of one holiday, especially when you have multiple others at other times. Not worth it.

dumbo67 · 09/07/2025 12:01

crumblingschools · 09/07/2025 11:36

@dumbo67 there are many posts on MN from posters who hated being part of a blended family, especially if they were the ones being shunted between homes and gaining many siblings

There are also lots from people who are part of blended families or grew up in blended families and coped perfectly well. The ongoing judgement and perception on here that all blended families will result in damaged, unhappy kid is just not true from what I’ve witnessed (and been part of myself) in real life.

crumblingschools · 09/07/2025 11:36

@dumbo67 there are many posts on MN from posters who hated being part of a blended family, especially if they were the ones being shunted between homes and gaining many siblings

Cheesetoastiees · 09/07/2025 11:20

So, so wrong. He’ll remember that you choose to go abroad without him as an adult. I’m sure you can find a holiday for your whole family at another place or time rather than excluding your son. If you want to make him feel not part of the family, then this is a good way to go about it though.

dumbo67 · 09/07/2025 11:12

crumblingschools · 09/07/2025 10:44

I feel sorry for kids who are shunted between families especially when they acquire half/step siblings courtesy of a new partner. Doesn’t matter if it’s the mum or the dad who has created the ‘new’ family.

And if one of these ‘new’ families go on holiday without him which family does the DS belong to

I feel sorry for kids whose parents have such a narrow minded judgmental attitude.

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