To go on holiday with DD’s, but not DS?

OP: ‘AIBU to only take 2 of my children on holiday because I can’t afford to pay for all 3 of them?’
Whole of MN: ‘Yes, YABU.’
OP: ‘But, but, but…..’

Honestly @Suncloudstars if you cannot see what if unfair about wanting to take the new ones but can’t afford to pay for the old one, then I feel desperately sad for your teen son, who is at a stage in his life where he is probably having to negotiate complex teen hormones and dramas anyway without having to process the idea of his mother deciding she can’t afford to take him away on the family holiday.

I would just ask him, he might not mind.

I don’t really think it’s that much of an issue. He has 2 families. He’s spending a week with his Dad.

It’s not about how many holidays he receives, it’s about how many holidays you provide.

In the scenario you are suggesting, you want to provide 2 holidays for you, your DH and your DDs but only provide 1 holiday for him. That is what is unfair.

Think of it this way, do you spend less on him at Christmas or birthday than your DD’s because his dad and stepmum are also getting him gifts?

Yes. Don't be stupid and cruel. Book a cheaper holiday you can all go on.

fucks sake.

But you said in your OP that they're probably not going abroad now and that even a break in the UK is only a "possibility" (your words).

If you can't afford 3 kids, you can't afford it period.

It doesn't matter if his dad is a millionaire. If all he gets out of your divorce is am extra week in the sun, he's hardly winning the life lottery.

The point is that you should be thinking "I don't want to go without him" not "is this a good enough excuse to excuse my selfish behaviour."

And it goes back to point 1: if you think you're being unfair to the little ones by not taking them abroad, you just can't afford 3 kids (specifically the last one). Why should your eldest dip out to benefit your youngest? Your youngest has 2 happy parents together, so you can't dress it up as fairness because he might go away with dad and that would something "extra" that your little ones don't get.

Because you are all of their mum, and so should treat them all the same, not try and balance it against what else is happening from other people.

If you could only afford a holiday for three would you take just one DD?

His sisters get to live with both mum and dad. He doesn’t. Through no fault of his own.

if you can’t afford to take all 3 children of yours on holiday then don’t go on holiday. You’ll not disintegrate.

its unreasonable and that would stay the same if he was going abroad with his dad.

he is split between 2 homes and has 2 family units, he should be included in both even if it’s inconvenient.

OP you've already said he won't be going abroad with his Dad, so why do you keep trying to discuss that possibility?

If I can’t afford for both my kids to go on holiday then we don’t go. It doesn’t matter what the left out one would be doing whilst we were away.

I don’t always take both my kids away. I have been away with just me and my DS or just me and my DD, but money has never been the reason, more 1 on 1 bonding time.

If you're trying to justify 'fairness' then how many holidays make up for the fact that every other child in the family gets to live with their own two parents and has a single home that they can call their own while he has to go back and forth between families and is alway living with an unrelated adult and kids that have a shared history that he's not part of?

Trying to convince yourself it's 'fair' because he might occasionally get a scrap of bonus holiday is tragic and demonstrates a lack of understanding about how difficult it is to be the step child in a family full of siblings and parents who all get their optimum living arrangements while you are treated like a spare part.

Yabu

Take them all away on a cheaper holiday or don’t go at all

The unfairness is not that your DDs get an extra holiday

The unfairness is that you clearly don't consider him as a fully fledged part of the family unit. You are ready to drop him because you can't afford to take all your dcs away.

Are you serious? You would actually exclude your son from a family holiday like this?

No my answer wouldn't change.

I doubt he thinks of his parents arrangements as the best of both worlds

is this correct @Suncloudstars?

He is your son.

You can't afford to take him on a second holiday with you.

But you can afford to take his 2 sisters on a second holiday with you.

Are you being unreasonable 🤔

I have an older ds with ex and younger dd with a different dad. Sorry, I’d never take dd away without ds unless I specifically asked him if he wanted to come and he said no.

can you get creative with the budget you have to afford all 5? Free child’s place? Maybe a euro camp (there’s a couple in Croatia that look amazing with static caravans with air con), a uk holiday or similar for all 5. You could also get the ferry to France or even an overnight ferry to Spain and get an Airbnb to keep costs down but with all of you.

I suspect you are in the minority!

I wouldn’t - he’ll begin to feel under pressure to say “yes it’s OK” even if it’s not.

But that's what's making it into a competition.

All this talk about him "getting more than them" if he went away twice.

Would you disinherit him if he inherited from his dad's side and your DDs didn't?

Really? I found not living with both parents a bonus rather than in need of a consolation prize

I think this is pertinent, he's getting plenty of travel opportunities with the family. I would still only do it if he was going away with his dad though.