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AIBU?

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Original poster

To go on holiday with DD’s, but not DS?

886 replies

Suncloudstars · 08/07/2025 12:28

DS(14) is from a previous relationship and spends approximately 1/3rd of his time with his dad. I also have 2 DD’s (9 and 4) with DP.

The 5 of us went on an amazing long haul holiday for 3 weeks over the Easter holidays.

I would love to book a week away over the school summer holidays - but a cheaper, last minute sort of thing as the other holiday was an expensive one (and the main holiday of the year). however the price for all 5 of us is too much; but we could afford the cost for 2 adults and 2 DD’s.

As well as his usual days each week, DS is spending a full week with his dad over one of the school holiday weeks. His dad had previously told me that he was looking to take him abroad, but I don’t think that is now materialising. There’s still the possibility that they may have a UK break instead.

Would I be unreasonable to book a holiday abroad for myself, DP and 2 DD’s for the same week that DS is going to spend the week with his dad?

It feels slightly wrong to go without him, but I also think that he is with his dad for the week who will be taking him places/potentially going away so he’s still going to be having a good time/having experiences etc.

We can’t afford to go away a different week and take him with us. So it’s the difference between going without him whilst he’s with his dad, and not going at all.

Aibu to think that whilst he’s with his dad, it’s his dads responsibility to take him away/plan things to do with him for the week and to not feel guilty if we take DD’s away?

OP posts:
Original poster
Suncloudstars · 08/07/2025 13:26

beetr00 · 08/07/2025 13:07

is this correct @Suncloudstars?

He is your son.

You can't afford to take him on a second holiday with you.

But you can afford to take his 2 sisters on a second holiday with you.

Are you being unreasonable 🤔

Not the full story though is it…

OP posts:
Franpie · 08/07/2025 13:26

Suncloudstars · 08/07/2025 13:21

But there’s no exclusion if we choose to do something because plans have already been made for DS to go and do something with his dad?

if I said “we want to go and do something as a four, but you’re going to your dads for the week to sit and do nothing” then that’s exclusion.

but it’s not exclusion if he’s already doing something with his dad, and then we’re choosing to do something secondary to that?

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But you’re not being honest. You have purposely chosen that 1 week to go on holiday so that you can exclude him to save money.

My DD has been invited on her friend’s holiday. We have therefore planned our family holiday afterwards so she can come with us. It would be really cruel for us to plan our family holiday whilst she away. I would never do that.

diterictur · 08/07/2025 13:25

Suncloudstars · 08/07/2025 13:21

But there’s no exclusion if we choose to do something because plans have already been made for DS to go and do something with his dad?

if I said “we want to go and do something as a four, but you’re going to your dads for the week to sit and do nothing” then that’s exclusion.

but it’s not exclusion if he’s already doing something with his dad, and then we’re choosing to do something secondary to that?

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Wow.

It's obviously excluding to pick the only week he's not with you to go on holiday.

It would be different if it was say - the week he's with his dad, there's a family wedding your side that he doesn't get to go to, because you didn't pick the wedding date.

But actively choosing to go away when he isn't there, actually because he isn't there is clearly excluding him

vadypops · 08/07/2025 13:25

i think you need to reread your original post . What a horrible thing to do . What if DH decided to take the three kids on holiday and just leave you at home . How would that make you feel ? If you can’t afford it , don’t go ! Or look at other options where you don’t purposely exclude one of your children

Original poster
Suncloudstars · 08/07/2025 13:25

diterictur · 08/07/2025 13:03

But that's what's making it into a competition.

All this talk about him "getting more than them" if he went away twice.

Would you disinherit him if he inherited from his dad's side and your DDs didn't?

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Absolutely not. I don’t think inheritance quite compares to an extra holiday…

OP posts:
Springadorable · 08/07/2025 13:25

Go for it, if you don't value your relationship with him and want him to need counselling in the future. What a dick move.

PhilosophicalCheeseSandwich · 08/07/2025 13:24

You can either afford a family holiday or you can't. It's very unfair to pick a child to leave out so some of you can go abroad. Why is it him? Why not leave your husband at home?

MoreDangerousThanAWomanScorned · 08/07/2025 13:24

Elisheva · 08/07/2025 13:21

Could you leave one of the DDs behind instead? Maybe they could stay with a relative or a friends family?

Or, perhaps the DDs could go away with their dad? It isn't a family holiday and she's only concerned about them missing out, so I'm sure OP won't mind not going? The three of them can probably afford an upgrade without her or her son imposing on them!

dontcomeatme · 08/07/2025 13:24

I get where PP is coming from. But I knew a mam who had a similar situation to you, but she also split with tbe second DP. So 4 kids, 2 different dads. They all spent time with their dads and often 1 dad would take his kids abroad, another dad would take the other 2 camping. Lots of different stuff going on but the mam obviously couldn't make it all equal!

Leypt1 · 08/07/2025 13:23

Suncloudstars · 08/07/2025 13:15

But you’re making an assumption that he feels disadvantaged by not living in a nuclear family? That’s not the case for all children. It’s family specific surely. Yes a lot of children may struggle with coming from separated parents and having half siblings who permanently live with one set of full parents, but that’s not the case for all. DS, for the vast majority of the time, is happy and comfortable with having two families.

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you are engaging in a lot of weird hypotheticals to try and justify your decision...your DS going on holiday with his dad is currently imaginary. You have no idea how your son feels about being in a nuclear family and honestly it's irrelevant

you asked and everyone answered - you're being unreasonable

Starlight1984 · 08/07/2025 13:22

Elisheva · 08/07/2025 13:21

Could you leave one of the DDs behind instead? Maybe they could stay with a relative or a friends family?

😂

Haemagoblin · 08/07/2025 13:22

Suncloudstars · 08/07/2025 12:52

So if he’s getting an extra holiday, and having 2 abroad holidays this year, but DD’s only get one whilst DS goes abroad with his dad & co, is that then not unfair on DD’s?

if he was to go abroad with his dad & family, at the same time that we went with DD’s, then he’s not being excluded or missing out is he? Everyone is getting a second holiday, and he’s having a nice time with his dad.

I’m just struggling to understand why it would be wrong for us to go abroad if he was also going abroad at the same time.

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No it's not unfair on your DDs - it's his compensation for the fact his parents couldn't keep his family together. And not only that but that his mum had brought started a new family when he was only two years old, and then dad has done the same. So not only does he not get to live with both his parents, he has to watch half siblings on both sides get everything he never will.

There is no way you can slice this where he is actually ahead. Coming from a broken home he is already at a massive disadvantage, and you should both be working overtime to make him feel included, not trying to find ways to leave him out.

Elisheva · 08/07/2025 13:21

Could you leave one of the DDs behind instead? Maybe they could stay with a relative or a friends family?

Original poster
Suncloudstars · 08/07/2025 13:21

MsTamborineMan · 08/07/2025 13:01

Because he will feel excluded.

I mean your DDs have both their parents together, they get to see both their parents most days. You can't measure fairness in blended families based on number of holidays or number of activities. It would still be fair on your Dds because they haven't been excluded from any family holiday

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But there’s no exclusion if we choose to do something because plans have already been made for DS to go and do something with his dad?

if I said “we want to go and do something as a four, but you’re going to your dads for the week to sit and do nothing” then that’s exclusion.

but it’s not exclusion if he’s already doing something with his dad, and then we’re choosing to do something secondary to that?

OP posts:
IShouldNotCoco · 08/07/2025 13:21

No you can’t whilst he’s still only 14. It’s not as if he has the means to pay for his own holiday at this age.

Don’t do it.

Starlight1984 · 08/07/2025 13:21

maudelovesharold · 08/07/2025 13:20

9 and 4 year olds won’t be that bothered about whether they’re going abroad again or not. Or whether their brother is, come to that. If you don’t want to stay at home the week when your ds is away, then do some days out with them. They’ll be just as happy, snd it’ll be much cheaper!

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This. I imagine you have other family and friends who go abroad when you don't so I don't see how it's any different!

MissMarianHalcombe · 08/07/2025 13:21

something similar happened to my DH as a child. His DM & his SF took their child (DH’s half sibling)& DH’s younger full sibling on holiday without him. It hurt him deeply & he still occasionally reflects on how he was often treated differently. There clearly is a bigger story but he has been impacted his whole life. He doesn’t consider himself abused or mistreated but he’s always felt left out. No surprise he left home at 18 and we live 200 miles away. He’s 61 this year.

whitewineandsun · 08/07/2025 13:20

Be,prepared for him to resent the hell out of all of you.

beetr00 · 08/07/2025 13:20

@Suncloudstars you really don't get it.

You are trying to justify your decision to exclude your son from your second family holiday.

It would be interesting to see if you'll come back in 10 years and tell us how that worked out for you.

maudelovesharold · 08/07/2025 13:20

Suncloudstars · 08/07/2025 13:01

There’s zero competition. I’m referring more to fairness to DD’s if he goes abroad whilst we sit at home.

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9 and 4 year olds won’t be that bothered about whether they’re going abroad again or not. Or whether their brother is, come to that. If you don’t want to stay at home the week when your ds is away, then do some days out with them. They’ll be just as happy, snd it’ll be much cheaper!

sweeneytoddsrazor · 08/07/2025 13:19

You have 3 children you should treat them all equally

Your ex has x number of children he should treat them all equally

WasThatACorner · 08/07/2025 13:19

Suncloudstars · 08/07/2025 12:54

Everything’s a learning process, so I’m just trying to gauge the general consensus. Because I know of people who think it’s okay to do this; and also know of others who say they wouldn’t do this.

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I think it sounds fine, it would be nice for you to maybe do a little night away just you and DS as well.

I have been on holidays, days out, meals out etc with 1, 2 or all 3 of my boys. It evens out and works for us as everyone gets to spend their time away doing what they enjoy. Plus, spending time as a whole family is different to 1-2-1 or just the people who share X interest.

Starlight1984 · 08/07/2025 13:19

Suncloudstars · 08/07/2025 13:01

There’s zero competition. I’m referring more to fairness to DD’s if he goes abroad whilst we sit at home.

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I think you're just making excuses now. There is no way a 9 year old can't understand that her older brother goes to his dad's house and does different stuff there. And I can't imagine any 4 year old who would be bothered or even know what's going on!

You've said you had a 3 week holiday to Asia not so long ago so I don't think you need to worry about anything being "fair" on your DDs. I would worry more about things being fair for your DS.

aredcar · 08/07/2025 13:17

It doesn’t matter what his dad is doing

YOU need to treat all 3 of YOUR children equally. That means inviting all three of them on family holidays with you, not leaving one of them out.

that’s it in a nutshell. If you can’t see that, then that’s a concern

Original poster
Suncloudstars · 08/07/2025 13:17

UsingAMansNameInAWomensWorld · 08/07/2025 12:59

There's a difference between him getting an "extra" holiday with his dad that his step sisters don't get and you deliberately excluding him from a family holiday because he's an inconvenience to you

An inconvenience to me? Wow. Bit excessive and dramatic when you don’t know me, DS or the family 🤣

OP posts:

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