To go on holiday with DD’s, but not DS?

What obviously doesn’t come across is the lifestyle that he has with us; and the holidays, travel opportunities and experiences that he has with us. He is by no means disadvantaged or excluded in anything that we do as a family.

Your language here is really othering. There's 'us'/'family' and then there's him.

He should be happy for the lifestyle? Listen to yourself.

Put it this way, I’m 37 and I still remember how hurt I felt the time I went on holiday with my mum stepdad and 2 younger siblings and we got on the train to travel there and they all sat at a 4 seat table and left me to sit by myself and we were going the same place! My mum did offer to move but my stepdad interrupted and said no she’ll be fine! I was a teen so I took my backpack and went and sat in a whole different carriage by myself, dramatic perhaps but I was a child! It’s not the only thing that happened along these lines but it can be very easy to leave a child out who has a different parent even if it’s completely unintentional, they may see it differently.

The reason it feels slightly wrong is because it is.

Your poor son. I couldn't do that. Imagine how pushed out he would feel, wait until he's off with his dad and have a 'family' holiday without him. And I don't see how it's unfair on the daughters that he gets to go away with both his families. He didn't ask to be from a broken home. I'm sure his preference would be that his parents were together.

If he does go abroad with his Dad and his family then I don't see a problem with you going away at the same time. But, it really does depend on your DS and his relationship with you and your DDs. I would also speak to him about it and ask him "if you're going away with Dad how would you feel if me DH and DDs go away too?" How do you think he would react? If he is chilled and understanding and accepting of his life situation then I don't see a problem really?

I couldn't bring myself to book it though if I wasn't 100% sure he'd be going away too.

I feel for me the way I’d look at it is part of your family will be missing for a week in the summer holidays and unavailable to go on holiday with you. So you need to move the holiday for when they are free.

Anything other than this including purposefully using the week they are away to go away due to cost would be excluding on purpose. It’s not his fault he is away.

If the only time you could get away was the week your ds was with his dad (because you weren't able to take leave for any of the other weeks in the school holidays for eg) then it wouldn't be unreasonable to go away then.

But from what you've said that's not the case. You'd literally be choosing the only week your ds isn't free to come because you can only afford the kind of holiday you want if you only take 2 children. Of course that will make your ds feel pushed out. Because you are actively choosing to go away for the one week he can't.

I don't get why you can't understand this?

Do his dad, stepmum and half sibling in that side go abroad without him?

Makes no difference whatsoever.

I can't believe you're even considering this.

I think it would be okay to go on holiday without your DS if:

you’ve checked with him and included him in conversations about why (at an age and stage appropriate level)

the holiday you take without him is equivalent to the holiday he has with his dad

you absolutely reinforce he is an important part of your family and you’ll do special things together lots of other times

failing that could you ask his Dad to contribute to a holiday he goes on with you?

being treated equally does not always mean being treated exactly the same.

He's with his dad not extended family, his dad has a right to have him part of the time (and obviously wants to have him) he's not being abandoned with him, why should it be some sort of torture for him to spend quality time with his dad?

But if you went on holiday without him, he WOULD be excluded from something you are doing as a family.

"He has two full families"

Not exactly if you take his sisters on holiday and not him. He's not always there in your family, he is predisposed to grow up feeling like a second class citizen. Whether you can justify it or not, I think there is a material risk that it he will feel it quite deeply.

I am slightly struggling with the idea that it's either no holiday at all or a holiday in europe for 4. There is near infinite variety in holidays available - plenty of other options in other weeks if you tweak the plans. And, more importantly, I don't think he will buy that it is truly your only option either.

It would be very convenient for you and his father if this was the case; I think you may find in adulthood he will have a very different story to tell. I've never yet met an adult child of divorced parents, especially those with half siblings, who wasn't affected by it in some way. Statistics are also not on your side; family breakdown is a recognised Adverse Childhood Experience associated with a range of negative outcomes. I'm not saying parents should never break up, that's sometimes for the best; but they shouldn't delude themselves that it is without consequence for their kids, and should try to mitigate those consequences not exacerbate them.

Of course your being unreasonable. Either you all go, or none of you.

Your DDs get to grow up with both parents living together whilst your DS has to move between houses.

I wouldn’t go away without him even if he does go abroad with his dad but I think it would be a lot worse to go away without him if his dad doesn’t take him abroad.

That would be different, but you said he isn't going abroad with them

In short, yes - it would be a shit thing to do. You already know that otherwise you wouldn't be asking the question.

Why is a trip abroad so much better than a holiday in the UK? And he may go on another holiday with his dad later this year or even a fantastic trip with his dad next year that his sister's won't get to go on. He's actually the one that gets the most holidays with his dad and then with his mum.

Yabvu.
He will remember this when he is older and cast it up to you.

Worth remembering Maya Angelou here. "people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." People are trying to apply 'logic' and 'fairness' to a situation which will all be about feelings - this will make the son feel left out and unwanted by his mum, no matter how much 'extra' he's getting on his dad's side of the tally sheet. Kids from broken families are particularly vulnerable to feelings of abandonment and not belonging, so particular care should be taken to avoid this.

Ok, well let's hope that your plan to exclude him from this holiday doesn't change that. 🤷

This is a absolutely appalling. Why not leave one of your DDs with grandparents and ask them to take her somewhere if it's the same thing? Bloody horrible.

You seem so sure of that. But you're not him, and he's 14. I'd bet quite a lot that he doesn't tell you everything. What would be the point? There's already a new family he has to deal with.